Donald Trump 'All About Quality,' Says Donald Trump's Book


How does thin-skinned teevee star Donald Trump spend his time when he's not disfiguring skylines and signing prenups? As he recentlytold the world, he "has written many bestsellers," so presumably he spends a fair amount of time engaged in "word usage." We've conducted a literary investigation to determine what this word usage is like. Turns out Donald has written books on all kinds of subjects: a "guide" to getting rich, a treatise on golf and, best of all, a manual on how to Think BIG and Kick Ass in Business and Life.

Considering his main source of income, you'd think Trump would write a book about his vision of architecture, or at least a how-to manual about building soulless, inhuman glass-and-steel obelisks everywhere from Fifth Avenue to the Bosphorus. We suppose that will have to be left to some future architecture critic or historian.

Anyway: Think BIG and Kick Ass in Business and Life. This 2007 book was written as an advice manual for people who need that extra push to start thinking BIG and kicking ass. Donald loves Bigness in all its forms! Well, not China or OPEC, which are really big but sinister. That's okay, though, because Donald will SO kick China's ass when he becomes president and cut out the OPEC middleman by confiscating Iraq's oil (something that has never been attempted in human history).

Donald didn't "write" Think BIG in a strict and literal sense; the book is actually a transcription of various talks and Q-and-A sessions he's done over the years. Time to sample some of the great man's word usage? Yes.

Donald on real estate:

My main thing is real estate. I love the suits, I love the ties, I love the shirts, but my big thing is real estate...I'm building all over the world right now and that's the thing I love the most. ...people know that when they are buying one of my buildings, it is a great building. I'm all about quality. It doesn't have to be the highest building, but it has to be the best quality building. I'm all about quality.

Donald's tips on When to Buy:

I don't want to buy in a hot market. I want to go into a dead shit market. This is the time to start thinking about buying. I really made a lot of money. I really understand real estate...

Sure to cause problems for patriotic voters is this worrying passage:

Every country in the world is in Cuba right now, except the United States. Castro is old and sick. I looked at him the other day on television. I said, "Man! That guy is tough. He doesn't die!" Cuba's going to be an amazing story in the coming years. I think it's time we start thinking a little bit differently about Cuba, because certainly every other country is.

But what about American Exceptionalism, boss? Also: Surely your reviewer isn't the only one to detect a note of admiration for the old dictator in the "That guy is tough" line? Does Donald Trump want to gay-marry Fidel Castro or just live with him in the inevitable-in-the-near-future Trump Tower development in Havana? Or is this simply CONCLUSIVE PROOF that Donald Trump's comb-over was born in Cuba?

Trump has used words in many other bestsellers, but we haven't the energy to review all of them right now. Perhaps when his Presidential campaign really gets going.

Think BIG and Kick Ass in Business and Life by Donald Trump and Bill Zanker (?), HarperBusiness, 384 pages, $17.79

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