Donald Trump And Justin Trudeau Hold A Presser: An 'Alternative' Transcript

Justin, you gotta be careful playing this sucker. It tilts real easy.

Donald Trump and Canadian Prime Minister Justin "No You Can't All Move Up Here" Trudeau had a largely content-free joint "press conference" Monday, and there was not a lot of news generated; beforehand, they had apparently talked about women in business or something. Nobody even made a big deal out of the fact that Trudeau kept speaking in tongues, moved by the Holy Spirit, in a language unknown to man, yet simultaneously translated by a lady's voice into English (we are informed this was "French"). The tough questions were asked by Canadian reporters; Donald Trump chose to take softball questions about trade and "what is your greatest challenge" from a local rightwing teevee station and from Tucker Carlson's The Daily Caller. Here is our summary:

Question: Is trade with Canada good?

Trump: Trade good! Keystone XL Pipeline good!

Trudeau: Infrastructure development good, but also you need to protect the environment.

Question: President Trump, can Americans really feel safe if the Canadian Prime Minister is hugging refugees? Is the northern border secure?

Trump: I won by a huge margin! We're getting rid of the hardcore criminal aliens, the really bad ones, and everyone's very happy about that. [Ed. note: none of that is true. The sweeps have also picked up a 50-year-old house painter who immigration officers found while looking for someone else and an Arizona woman whose crime was using a fake ID when applying for a job a decade ago. Hardened criminals.]

Trudeau: We can take in refugees without danger because we screen them, and we're confident our security is good. We are not pussies like this Trump person [Ed note: implied].

Question: Mr. Trump, What's our most important national security issue? [Ed note: apart from you holding security meetings in the dining room of your own club...] And Mr. Trudeau, how big a dunderhead do you think Trump is with his ban on refugees?

Trump: Everyone loves our stance on security. We're getting the most praise. We're the best.

Trudeau: We've lived next to these clowns forever, so we're used to them being jerks sometimes. I won't lecture another country on how to govern themselves. I'm doing good back in Canada-land, so yeah.

Question: Will renegotiating NAFTA leave Canadians jobless, and Mr. Trump, are you going to screw over Canada?

Trudeau: Trade good! Good jobs for Canadians, and good jobs for Americans! We like America, and we know you make mistakes like this bozo here.

Trump: Trade good! Canada not bad like Mexico! Mexico unfair! Canada fair! I made all the jobs stay in America! I am the best! Should I mention Carrier again? No? I guess I will not! Everyone will be happy! That is all! Goodbye! No questions about Russia and Mike Flynn!

Question (shouted as Trump and Trudeau left): Mr. President, does Mike Flynn still have your confidence?

Trump: [stony stare, silence, exit]

If you're a glutton for punishment, here's the video! Actual presser starts about 45:30:


Doktor Zoom

Doktor Zoom's real name is Marty Kelley, and he lives in the wilds of Boise, Idaho. He is not a medical doctor, but does have a real PhD in Rhetoric. You should definitely donate some money to this little mommyblog where he has finally found acceptance and cat pictures. He is on maternity leave until 2033. Here is his Twitter, also. His quest to avoid prolixity is not going so great.


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