It's almost here, everyone, it's almost here! The moment we have all been waiting for (kind of!) comes Thursday night, when the top ten Republican candidates, as chosen by Fox News Science, will show us their junk on live television! Donald Trump is the frontrunner, because a significant percentage of the Republican base is even dumber than the other percentages of the Republican base, and are impressed by loud men who act like they're overcompensating for small penises and small minds. They're like, "Awwww, reminds me of Daddy, PBUH." Except they probably don't say "PBUH," because that's Muslin.

Of course, there are actually 17 Republican candidates, which means that the ones whose names Fox chief Roger Ailes DIDN'T see when he went to the fortune teller lady to have his skidmarks read don't get to do the actual debate, but instead have to do their own loser "debate" where they will "debate" their "ideas" at an hour when "nobody is watching television."

You probably have so many questions about the debate, so we will answer them now, as best as we can:

Who gets to go to there?

Here is the list of candidates, in order of how gay Republican voters are for them:

  1. Donald "Trump!" Trump
  2. Jeb! Bush
  3. Scott Walker
  4. Mike "Sex Boobies" Huckabee
  5. Ben Carson
  6. Ted Cruz, AKA Christ's Most Chosenest Candidate
  7. Marco Rubio
  8. Rand Paul
  9. Chris Christie
  10. John Kasich

Who is John Kasich?


[contextly_sidebar id="W8hL7uIdIULolMaGGb6W7SGGhRIyoSp7"]

Will there be any Messicans there?

What, are you trying to get Donald trump RAPED?

Isn't that whole "only 10 candidates get to participate" thing kind of bullshit?

Oh totally! We could tell you all about it, but here is your Rachel Maddow, who will explain to you how Fox basically broke its own rules, and should eat a bag of dicks and then feel the rest of the day like there's one piece of dick stuck back there, that's impossible to cough up:

Rick Santorum is bitching up a HOLY FUCK storm, isn't he?

Oh yeah. Get a load of this butthurt:

Santorum spokesman Matt Beynon called it “incredibly flawed,” based on national polls that are “meaningless” this early in the campaign.

“The idea that they have left out the runner-up for the 2012 nomination (Santorum), the former 4-term Governor of Texas (Perry), the Governor of Louisiana (Jindal), the first female Fortune 50 CEO (Fiorina), and the 3-term Senator from South Carolina (Graham) due to polling 7 months before a single vote is cast is preposterous,” Beynon said in a statement.

Quick fact-check. Being "the runner-up for the 2012 nomination" is NOT A THING, ACTUALLY. There is no "runner-up," as if somehow, if Mitt Romney had posed for Penthouse in his younger days and word got out, Rick Santorum would have gone on to lose the 2012 election to Barack Obama in Romney's place. Ahem, no.

Also, Carly Fiorina is a nobody in room of nobodies, except for the part about how the other nobodies didn't run Hewlett-Packard into the ground, which makes them better nobodies than her.

[contextly_sidebar id="iCklOfaZQcxR4JoYKUGAYDbibAX6D5Mk"]

So what's the full list of total loser candidates whom no one loves, not Fox News, not Wonkette, not Republican primary voters, not Jesus, not America, and who have to do the sad "All By Myself" debate around the same time "Wheel Of Fortune" is on?

That would be, in no particular order, because how really DO you rank losers?

  1. Carly Fiorina
  2. Rick Perry
  3. Rick Santorum
  4. Bobby Jindal
  5. Lindsey Graham
  6. George Pataki
  7. Jim Gilmore

Jim WHO?

It's not important.

Are the loser candidates OK with being on the Loser Hour with the other losers?

Aside from Santorum, giving it the old college try.

When is the debate on?

Check your local listings, Christ, must we do all the work? Actually, fine, we will tell you. The Puppy Bowl for the loser candidates is at 5 PM ET Thursday, and the actual debate for the "grown-ups" is at 9 PM ET. You will have time in between to get very drunk on pot!

Will there be live-blogging?

Duh, are you new here?

See you all Thursday night!

[Politico / USA Today]

Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.

Donate with CC

Republicans are devouring each other's carcasses, and we are here for it! Especially when one of those Republicans is King Kris of the Kansas Votefucker Klan ... errr, Clan! It's been a week since Kansans cast their votes in the gubernatorial primary, and the GOP looks to be rolling up its sleeves for a slugfest.

As we type, Kobach leads by 298 votes out of more than 314,000 cast -- a whopping 0.00095 percent, if you round up! The Kansas GOP begged Donald Trump to stay out of the race and leave the field clear for sitting governor Jeff Colyer, who took over when Sam Brownback wandered off to bring Jesus to the Hottentots on behalf of the US government. Safe bet that Colyer would be gearing up for the general election now if President Twitterthumbs hadn't flapped his yap. So thanks for that, Donny!

No, really, THANKS!

Remember the hanging chad debacle in Florida? Now picture it in a landlocked state with more cows than people. It's like fantasy island for Devin Nunes, ALLEGEDLY.

Oh, but we are to kid!

After first insisting he wasn't going to recuse from the counting, Secretary of State Kris Kobach (one and the same!) wrote Colyer a fabulously bitchy letter agreeing to hand off the tabulation to his deputy, Eric Rucker. Colyer had made the shocking suggestion that Kobach delegate responsibility to the Kansas attorney general, rather than his own political appointee, and Kobach was stretched out on the settee with a fit of the vapors at the gross impropriety of it all!

I will not breach the public trust and arbitrarily assign my responsibilities to another office that is not granted such authority by the laws of Kansas.

After several anguished paragraphs, Kobach closed by remonstrating that Colyer was betraying his office by destroying the faith of Kansans in the sacred integrity of their electoral process.

As governor of Kansas, your unrestrained rhetoric has the potential to undermine the public's confidence in the election process. May I suggest that you trust the people of Kansas have made the right decision at the polls and that our election officials will properly determine the result as they do in every election.

Said the guy whose entire adult life has been dedicated to whipping up panic about millions of imaginary illegal alien voters.

So now these two princes can kick the crap out of each other WITH VOTES, specifically, provisional ballots cast by unaffiliated voters under the supervision of poorly trained poll workers. Kansas holds closed primaries, meaning only registered Republicans can vote to select the GOP candidate, BUT an unaffiliated voter can cast a vote by checking a box identifying as a Democrat or a Republican at the polling place. This was news to some poll workers, who mistakenly directed over one thousand unaffiliated voters to use provisional ballots without checking the box indicating party preference. Whoops!

So, will those provisional ballots be counted based on voter intent? Or tossed based on strict interpretation of the statute? And does Kansas law mandate tossing mail-in ballots that arrive without a postmark on Wednesday, since there's no forensic proof that they were mailed before midnight on Tuesday? And how disgusted will the Kansas electorate be when one of these assholes emerges from the melée holding the other one's scalp? And how many millions of dollars are going to be spent on litigating the Republican primary while this nice lady Laura Kelly, the Democratic minority whip of the Kansas Senate, is out campaigning for November?

Even before this debacle, Kobach looked significantly weaker against Kelly than Colyer, with self-funded Libertarian Jeff Orman threatening to throw a wrench in the works. The Wichita Eagle reports on a Remington Research Poll conducted in July:

In a Kelly-Orman-Kobach race, the poll puts Kelly and Kobach effectively in a dead heat — 36 percent for Kelly and 35 percent for Kobach, with Kelly's lead within the margin of error. Orman has 12 percent.

Colyer leads in a three-way race with Kelly and Orman, according to the poll. In that scenario, Colyer receives 38 percent of the vote, while Kelly gets 28 percent and Orman receives 10 percent.

Which is ONE POLL, in a deeply red state, but ... Kobach is a crap candidate who's likely to emerge from this fight with two black eyes and a pissed off base. If there's anyone who can blow this election, it's Kris Kobach.

Keep fighting, Kris! You can do it! (And now we need a shower.)

And YOU need an OPEN THREAD!

Follow your FDF on Twitter!

Money us, PLEASE! Throw a tip in the jar, or click here to keep your Wonkette snarking forever.

[Kobach letter / Wichita Eagle / Mother Jones / Kansas City Star]

Donate with CC

While most people spent this weekend telling Nazi punks to fuck off, a couple 11-year-olds were in Las Vegas hacking into voting machines. Why? BECAUSE IT'S FUN!

Keep reading... Show less
Donate with CC

How often would you like to donate?

Select an amount (USD)

  • Saturday, Aug 11th ....... Seattle, WA
    Discovery Park, 4-7pm
  • Sunday, Aug 12th ....... Bellingham, WA
    Sunnyland Park, 2-5pm
  • Sunday, Aug 19th ....... Spokane, WA
    Audubon Park, 2-5pm

Read More

©2018 by Commie Girl Industries, Inc