What in the world is the Old Dotard on about now? Oh, Canadian Shoe Smugglers? Fair enough.


There was a story two days ago in a major newspaper talking about people living in Canada coming into the United States and smuggling things back into Canada because the tariffs are so massive. The tariffs to get common items back into Canada are so high that they have to smuggle 'em in. They buy shoes, then they wear 'em. They scuff 'em up. They make 'em sound old or look old. No, we're treated horribly.

Dude, your shoes sound old!

As usual, there's a tiny kernel of truth to what he's saying. But it's sort of like a coffee bean that was swallowed by a civet cat -- you have to sort through a whole litter box of catshit to find it. Only you can sell the coffee bean for $100/lb. And Trump's insights aren't worth a cup of covfefe!

In fact, many Canadians who live near the border do avoid Canadian taxes by shopping in America and hiding their purchases from the border agents when they return home. As Toronto Star's Daniel Dale reports,

Crossing the border to shop in the U.S. and then sneaking an item or two past customs on the way back is a time-honoured Canadian pastime. On Twitter, several Canadians immediately confessed to making furtive attempts to make their new shoes look well-worn.

Only in this example, the government that's "treated horribly" is Canada's, not ours. As Corey Lewandowski would say, WOMP WOMP. Because Canada's Value Added Tax (VAT) adds between 13 and 15% to the price of shoes and everything else -- that's how civilized countries pay for universal healthcare and decent schools. So the tariffs that Canadians are avoiding with their little cross-border smuggling raids are their own. It's not the IRS who's getting stiffed; it's Canada's federal and provincial taxing authorities. Which Trump would have understood if he'd thought about it for 30 seconds, but, you know ... he is Donald Trump.

In fact, NAFTA, aka "the worst trade deal ever," would have eliminated tariffs on shoes made in North America. But here on Planet Earth, the vast majority of shoes in American stores are made in China. So Canadian tariffs on Chinese sneakers have zero impact on the American economy. Unless, of course, Canadians buy their shoes in America and make them "sound old" on the drive home, in which case American retailers are the beneficiaries.

But wait, there's more! Because Daniel Dale found the "story in a major newspaper" Trump was babbling about. It's an opinion piece in the New York Post, wherein a nice white lady named Isabel Vincent LOLs about all the stuff she's smuggled across the border.

When I moved to New York a decade ago, my family and friends in Canada turned me into their cross-border mule.

It was never drugs, alcohol or cigarettes that I was asked to smuggle across the border to avoid paying a hefty tariff or Canada Customs duty.

LUV 2 admit 2 crimes when you know the American government only gives a shit about misdemeanor border crossing by brown people! And while Ms. Vincent blames "the myriad and dizzying array of tariffs and taxes that Canada charges its citizens on goods they buy in the U.S.," her own examples make it clear that the tax avoided is almost entirely VAT.

My brother has become a master. He once had a rowing machine shipped to my colleague's tiny Union Square studio apartment, where it languished for days until he made the 10-hour drive each way to haul it back to Ontario in his truck.

He never fully explained how he hid the equipment from Canada Customs officials when he had to drive across the border. But had he shipped it directly to Canada he would have paid exponentially more than the $2,000 sticker price. In fact, it would have cost him an extra $360.08 in federal and provincial taxes, and $169.05 in Canada Customs duty.

Cool story, bro! Sure the tariff on exercise equipment was removed in 2013, but okay, fine. Your brother spent 20 hours in a car and broke the law to rip the Canadian government off for an 8.5% tariff and $360 in regular taxes. Check out those wily Canadians taking advantage of the US by ... defrauding their own government!

Last week, he told me about his next purchase — an industrial vacuum cleaner that picks up sawdust. He is planning the drive to Rochester, NY, to pick it up.

Pssst Isabel, one white lady to another! Confessing your intent to commit crime is like the most obnoxious, white privilege bullshit ever. And the fact that people who look like us get away with it every day is not an excuse. There are babies getting thrown into jail at the southern border, FFS!

TL, DR? The President is a damn fool who can't read. White people need to stop being assholes. Canadian shoe smugglers are ripping off their own government, not ours. AND ALMOST ALL OF THIS WOULD HAVE BEEN SOLVED BY THE TRANS-PACIFIC PARTNERSHIP (TPP), IF THAT MORON HADN'T PULLED OUT OF IT.

Who else feels nauseous from all this shit-coffee?

Follow your FDF on Twitter!

Please click here to fund our catshit explorations! The whole thing stinks to high heaven!

[Toronto Star / NY Post]

Liz Dye

Liz Dye lives in Baltimore with her wonderful husband and a houseful of teenagers. When she isn't being mad about a thing on the internet, she's hiding in plain sight in the carpool line. She's the one wearing yoga pants glaring at her phone.

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