Trump Gets Spanked By North Korean Dictator, Apparently Likes It

Yesterday North Korea announced that, in light of America's failure to lift "brutal and inhumane" sanctions, the country will no longer be bound by any previous commitments to reduce nuclear and missile testing. Two years into their torrid love affair, the Dotard and Little Rocket Man are back to square one. Except now we've legitimated the North Korean dictator with a visit by the US president and canceled joint military exercises with South Korea so ... square negative 38?

Hey, remember that har-har-hilarious time last February when Donald Trump lurched out to the Rose Garden to announce that he'd been nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize by his good friend Shinzo Abe, Japan's prime minister?

"He said: 'I have nominated you, respectfully, on behalf of Japan. I am asking them to give you the Nobel Peace Prize.' I said, 'Thank you,'" Trump bragged. But he seems to have left out one teeny, tiny detail. He must have forgotten to mention that the White House asked the Japanese government to nominate Trump after President Arty McDeals "successfully" managed to convince North Korea to give up its nukes. (Spoiler Alert ...)

President Abe enjoying a scintillating policy discussion with TrumpGiphy

In June 2018, Trump and Kim Jong Un met in Singapore, after which Trump claimed they "fell in love" and the North Korean dictator agreed to surrender the nuclear weapons that have guaranteed the safety of his gulag state and allowed him to extort foreign aid for a generation now. There were just one or two piddling details left to work out, but Donald Trump knew that his own animal magnetism had succeeded where all others had failed, and he demanded that the Nobel Committee take notice.

Just a month later, talks hit a snag when Secretary of State Mike Pompeo showed up in Pyongyang to negotiate the terms of the denuclearization deal, only to find himself parked in an endless series of formal banquets. Luckily, Pompeo showed 'em who's boss. Bloomberg reports:

By the morning of his second day, Pompeo had enough. Instead of the elaborate breakfast prepared for him, he ate toast and slices of processed cheese.


Since then,Trump became the first sitting American president to visit North Korea when he briefly crossed into their side of the DMZ in June 2019, the US canceled joint military exercises with the South Koreans in November as an "act of goodwill" in order to "keep the door open" for denuclearization talks with North Korea, and Trump demonstrated the depth of US support for our South Korean allies by ... trying to shake them down for an additional $3.9 billion annually, a five-fold increase, to pay for the privilege of keeping our troops in their country.

In exchange for which, the Kim regime re-commenced in May firing short range ballistic missiles into the Sea of Japan. Which Donald Trump conceded "may be a United Nations violation," but didn't deem a violation of any US denuclearization agreement.

The missile testing kept up unabated throughout the rest of the year, and by December, the North Korean government was hinting darkly about a "Christmas gift" for Trump.

"Maybe it's a nice present. Maybe it's a present where he sends me a beautiful vase, as opposed to a missile test," Trump enthused on Christmas Eve. Then two weeks ago, Trump put his feelings on paper in a special birthday letter to Kim, sent through South Korean intermediaries. Because no one can resist his manly charms!

Except! Apparently Kim Jong Un doesn't want to hold Trump's scaly hand any more than Melania does. Yesterday North Korean special envoy Ju Yong Chol announced, "As it became clear now that the U.S. remains unchanged in its ambition to block the development of the DPRK and stifle its political system, we found no reason to be unilaterally bound any longer by the commitment that the other party fails to honor."

Denouncing the US sanctions regime, Ju warned that "North Korea may be compelled to seek a new path." Whether that new path includes testing long-range missiles, and/or nuclear warheads is unclear. Anyway, please clap for this rousing success for Mr. "I Alone Can Fix It." Nobel committee members, TAKE NOTE!

[Reuters / Bloomberg / Atlantic]

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Liz Dye

Liz Dye lives in Baltimore with her wonderful husband and a houseful of teenagers. When she isn't being mad about a thing on the internet, she's hiding in plain sight in the carpool line. She's the one wearing yoga pants glaring at her phone.


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