Trump Declares Victory In All Trade Wars, HEREBY ORDERS Stock Market To Rise

This is no way to run a railroad. Even when he's overseas, humiliating us all at the G7 meeting in France, President Thirsty Bitch found time to fan the flames of a Chinese trade war, while simultaneously taking credit for ending the trade war by signing all the agreements! That train is never late.

On Friday, China announced it was doubling tariffs from five to 10 percent on $75 billion of American imports, such as soybeans, beef, pork and crude oil, starting in September. Duties on American vehicles and car parts will increase from five to 25 percent on December 15. That's in addition to its already planned ban on all agricultural imports from US America.

Naturally, White House trade adviser Peter Navarro was dispatched to CNN to discuss what sounded like it could be his browser history, saying, "They signal once again to the American public that China wants to buckle our knee so that they can keep having their way with us." And Donald Trump tweeted out that Chinese President Xi Jinping is an enemy of America, perhaps an even greater enemy than Jay Powell, the man Trump himself appointed to run the Federal Reserve. So, you know that Xi is a bad hombre!

But at least the Presiderp was nice enough to wait until the markets closed on Friday to barf out ... whatever this nonsense is.

You hear that, "Our great American companies?" Herr Orange Hair hereby orders you to relocate your factories home! By the power of Article II, Grabthar's Hammer, and Greyskull!


That's nice. Three weeks ago Trump imposed tariffs that the Chinese were most definitely going to pay. Then he saved Christmas for American families by canceling those tariffs. Now he's reimposing them and threatening to invoke a national emergency to order American corporations to operate on war footing and relocate their businesses home. Because the economy is the best it's ever been, except for Jay Powell and the Fake News Media that wants a recession. NBC was nice enough to transcribe him derping out his "rationale" yesterday:

I could declare a national emergency, I think when they steal and take out and intellectual property theft anywhere from $300 billion to $500 billion a year and when we have a total lost of almost a trillion dollars a year for many years," Trump said, adding that he had no plan right now to call for a national emergency.

Actually we are getting along very well with China right now, we are talking. I think they want to make a deal much more than I do. I'm getting a lot of money in tariffs its coming in by the billions. We've never gotten 10 cents from China, so we will see what happens.

Extremely stable, much genius.

Asked if he had second thoughts about escalating the trade war with China, Trump replied, "I have second thoughts about everything," which sent his aides scrambling to deny that His Highness regrets conducting diplomacy like some sort of WWE 'roid rage rasslin' match.

"His answer has been greatly misinterpreted. President Trump responded in the affirmative - because he regrets not raising the tariffs higher," said White House spokesliar Stephanie "Marginally Better Than The Huckster" Grisham. Treasury Secretary Steven Mnuchin chimed in, saying, "The deficit is getting bigger and the president is determined that we have free and fair and reciprocal trade." And by "free trade," he means unilaterally ordering US businesses to divest from the country that produces items most cheaply.

Trump even trotted out poor Japanese Prime Minister Shinzo Abe in a pathetic attempt to make China jealous of his hot new girlfriend.

Except Japan doesn't go all the way on the first date, and strenuously denied that they let Donald Trump put his tiny hands up their shirt to persuade them to take China's rejected corn.

"We are not calling it an agreement in principle. We are calling it a conference of views on the core elements. There is more work left to be done by the bureaucrats than just legal scrubbing," the Washington Post quotes Japanese Foreign Ministry Spokesman Takeshi Osuga saying.

But wait, maybe an amazing new trade deal with China is just around the corner after all! Seriously, Charlie Brown, for real this time. On Monday, conveniently just before the American markets opened, Trump announced that he'd "gotten two calls and very, very good calls" from Chinese trade representatives. "Very productive calls. They mean business. They want to be able to make a deal."

Asked about the substance of those calls, whether it was bland pablum about China preferring "calm negotiations" or something more substantive, Mnuchin was more circumspect, saying, "There were discussions that went back and forth, let's leave it at that."

So, a big, fat nothin' then. Particularly since Chinese Foreign Ministry Spokesman Geng Shuang DOES NOT KNOW HER either: "Regarding the phone call in the weekend, I am not aware of that," he said on Monday, adding, "We hope the U.S. can return to reason as soon as possible, and create conditions for consultations based on mutual respect." That is ... hardly the white flag of surrender. But that didn't stop Arty McDeals from strutting out in front of the cameras to brag about having vanquished his Asian foes, preparing the ground for when he inevitably declares victory and goes home with whatever crumbs the Chinese are willing to give him in the leadup to an election.

He's also taking credit for the yuuuuuuge deal he's going to sign with Prime Minister Boris Johnson once Britain crashes out of the European Union and the bigly deal he's just on the cusp of negotiating with France -- which is remaining in the EU and can't negotiate bilateral side deals.

But anyway, trade wars are good and easy to win.

[Politico / NBC / WaPo]

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Liz Dye

Liz Dye lives in Baltimore with her wonderful husband and a houseful of teenagers. When she isn't being mad about a thing on the internet, she's hiding in plain sight in the carpool line. She's the one wearing yoga pants glaring at her phone.


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