The pageantry! The signs! All is well!

Donald Trump finally noticed reality yesterday, just a little tiny bit, and announced the cancellation of the Republican National Convention that had been scheduled for Jacksonville, Florida, in August. That's after he had previously moved most of the superspreader convention from Charlotte, North Carolina, after the state wouldn't allow him to hold a week-long event with no social distancing or face masks. But now, with COVID-19 cases overwhelming Florida, Trump said, "It's not the right time." You know, for the good of America, or because Trump worried that a huge but largely empty convention hall would look terrible on TV. Sometimes not even the mayor of Amity can convince people to go swimming in shark-infested waters. Here's Trump's weird announcement, where even as he cancelled the event, he kept selling how wonderful the beautiful virusfest would have been.

Trump explains why he is canceling Jacksonville RNC activities youtu.be

The drawings look absolutely beautiful [...] a tremendous list of speakers; thousands of people wanting to be there — and I mean, in some cases, desperately be there. They wanted to attend. People making travel arrangements all over the country; they wanted to be there. The pageantry, the signs, the excitement were really, really top of the line.

Alas, it was not to be, because Trump's first concern, always, is making sure the American People are safe. Which is why he's managed the crisis so brilliantly and America is doing better than all those countries that actually controlled the pandemic, but don't have freedom.

I looked at my team, and I said, "The timing for this event is not right. It's just not right with what's happened recently — the flare up in Florida — to have a big convention. It's not the right time."

It's really something that, for me — I have to protect the American people. That's what I've always done. That's what I always will do. That's what I'm about.

We now see why Trump no longer includes public health officials standing behind him for these "coronavirus briefings." Even though he was nowhere near the building, Anthony Fauci's eye-rolling triggered seismometers at the US Geological Service.

In a move we all recognize by now, Trump insisted his advisors were practically begging him to let the convention go ahead as planned! But he simply cares too much about America, you see. And about those commie anarchists, too! You know he's telling the absolute truth, because people in his story say "sir."

They said, "Sir, we can make this work very easily. We have great enthusiasm. Incredible enthusiasm. Even the polls say about the most enthusiasm they've seen. We can do this safely, and we can do it responsibly."

And I said, "There's nothing more important in our country than keeping our people safe, whether that's from the China virus or the radical-left mob that you see in Portland".

Digression Mode was engaged for a bit, but eventually Trump returned to the teleprompter and explained that a few parts of the convention, like the Gathering of the Sacrificial Delegates, would still go on in Charlotte, and the rest would be "some other things with tele-rallies and online — the week that we're discussing, which will be really good."

Trump even hinted that he might do some casual shapeshifting, promising, "I'll still do a convention speech in a different form," possibly that of a large and moving Torg.


The New York Times decorously described Trump's vision for the alternaconvention as "an ill-defined sketch of an August week that Mr. Trump once envisioned drawing huge crowds and energizing his struggling bid for a second term." It didn't even note that many Shuvs and Zuuls will know what it is to roast in the depths of the Slor that day, I can tell you!

Out here in mere Realityland, there were all sorts of people sending up warning flares. Big GOP names like Sen. Chuck Grassley announced their plans to let other folks have room to move around at the convention, and big donors said they really weren't all that jazzed about contributing money to an event that might A) be cancelled like it now has been; or 2) lead to a whole new cluster of infections. No, not even if they had their names inscribed on a handsome brass-finish plaque affixed to the side of a ventilator. The local sheriff said Jacksonville simply wasn't ready, and some RNC officials were reduced to suggesting it might be fun to hold the whole thing outdoors, in Florida, in August.

Yeah, those were the people telling him it would be JUST GREAT. Also, officials with the Jacksonville convention committee, says the Times, are "still assessing whether donors would be able to get their money back but assumed they would not be able to do so in full." Too bad, so sad.

Anyhoo, the convention will now take place online, and it'll be the greatest thing ever, and we're sure there are several rightwing idiots already vying to share their skills in digitally putting Trump's face on characters in action movies for the weeklong spectacle, the end.

[CNN / NYT / White House transcript]

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Doktor Zoom

Doktor Zoom's real name is Marty Kelley, and he lives in the wilds of Boise, Idaho. He is not a medical doctor, but does have a real PhD in Rhetoric. You should definitely donate some money to this little mommyblog where he has finally found acceptance and cat pictures. He is on maternity leave until 2033. Here is his Twitter, also. His quest to avoid prolixity is not going so great.

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