Donald Trump Has A Dream: His Gross Face On Mount Rushmore

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A few weeks after President Klan Robe declared war on more than half of America at his Mount Rushmore hate rally, South Dakota Gov. Kristi Noem visited the White House to reassure poor old Mike Pence that she's not after his job. Pence is garbage but Noem isn't much better. Wonkette has already officially declared her "a crank, a fool" with "no filling in her kolaches" and "several tater tots short of a hot dish." That was in April. She's only gotten dumber since then.

According to the New York Times, there's no indication Trump wants to replace Pence, who he's called a “friend." That's hardly reassuring because Trump has no friends. He might as well call Pence a “hairdryer." The article does make clear that Noem has spent a lot of time buttering up Trump.

[L]ast month, when the president arrived in the Black Hills for the star-spangled spectacle he had pined for, Ms. Noem made the most of it.

Introducing Mr. Trump against the floodlit backdrop of his carved predecessors, the governor played to the president's craving for adulation by noting that in just three days more than 125,000 people had signed up for only 7,500 seats; she likened him to Theodore Roosevelt, a leader who "braves the dangers of the arena"; and she mimicked the president's rhetoric by scorning protesters who she said were seeking to discredit the country's founders.

Ain't that pathetic? Both the article's prose and Noem's shameless ass-kissing. She reportedly gifted Trump "a four-foot replica of Mount Rushmore that included a fifth presidential likeness: his."


Trump had previously asked about vandalizing Mount Rushmore when he first met Noem, then a state rep, at the Oval Office. He apparently wanted to emulate the “all is lost/civilization is doomed" moment in every alien invasion movie.

From the Argus Leader:

NOEM: [Trump] said, "Kristi, come on over here. Shake my hand." I shook his hand.

Just want to stop here to point out that Noem can't tell a story for shit.

After the thrilling handshaking revelation, Noem said she asked Trump to come visit South Dakota and reminded the sitting US president and theoretical high school graduate that her state is where Mount Rushmore is located.

NOEM: And he goes, "Do you know it's my dream to have my face on Mount Rushmore?" ... I started laughing. He wasn't laughing, so he was totally serious.

LOL! The president has delusions of grandeur and isn't mentally fit to hold his office. Unfortunately, the Republican Party and the American media prefer to just think he's “quirky."

I suppose if you do laugh in the president's face, you'd want to later make it up to him with a gift that caters to his inflated sense of self-importance. That's what Emily Post would suggest.

Fortunately, it's not possible to deface Mount Rushmore with Trump's stupid head. There's no secure surface left to support a fragile white man's ego. There might look like there's space next to George Washington but that area is as stable as our democracy. It also might shock Trump to learn this, but Black people and women over 40 exist and have contributed a great deal to the nation. If they were going to add another head to Rushmore, we might start with those underrepresented demos.

Last year, a White House official reportedly called the newly elected governor's office to ask what the process was to add additional presidents to Mount Rushmore, but there is no process because you can't add any more goddamn heads. An intern couldn't Google this? Mount Rushmore is also a federal monument, so Trump doesn't even need Roem's approval. He could just invade Rushmore with his goon squad.

And that was the White House's response to this story -- to remind us that Rushmore is a federal monument. You know, just in case we were under the impression Trump isn't allowed to do whatever he wants, except for how he can't.

[New York Times/ Argus Leader / Business Insider]

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Stephen Robinson

Stephen Robinson is a writer and social kibbitzer based in Portland, Oregon. He's on the board of the Portland Playhouse theater and writes for the immersive theater Cafe Nordo in Seattle. Tickets are on sale now for his latest Nordo collaboration, "Curiouser and Curiouser," an adaptation of "Alice's Adventures in Wonderland" and "Through the Looking Glass." It promises to feel like an actual evening with SER (for good or for ill).

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