Donald Trump held one of his televised cabinet meetings today in which he railed about the terrible Democrats who forced the current border crisis (at a time when illegal border crossings are actually lower than usual). In what's sure to be his favorite phrase on Twitter for the next few days, Trump blamed "extremist open-border Democrats" for all the problems he brought on himself with his family separation policy, and explained that Democrats were simultaneously hurting illegal immigrants AND the rest of America by forcing Normal America to accept Central Americans who fled to the US. It made loads of sense! And then things got ... less so.


They've created a massive child-smuggling industry, that's exactly what it's become [...] it's a disgrace. These loopholes force the release of alien families and minors into the country when they illegally cross the border. Since 2014 alone nearly 200,000 unaccompanied alien minors have been released into the United States because of Democrat-backed loopholes, including "catch and release," which is one of the worst: You catch 'em and then you release 'em! Might as well save your time, don't bother catching them.

And this is what we're stuck with. They're the worst immigration laws in the history of the world. The whole world is laughing at the United States, and they have been for years.

The human trafficking line was a big hit with the Q-Anon freaks, who all tweeted to each other that Trump had FINALLY acknowledged the awful truth about all Democrats.

Trump also explained that the Democrats want migrant children to be pampered as if they were almost human:

"Let's run the most luxurious hotel in the world for everybody — but they don't want to give us the money"

Trump insisted, again, that Democrats are really the ones forcing family separation by hugging those "loopholes" so tightly instead of agreeing to common-sense legislation to let families be detained indefinitely, but together, maybe in a nice Motel 6 prison instead of a luxury hotel. And in fact, anything bad happening to migrants is all the fault of those open border extremists:

The Democrats are causing tremendous damage and destruction and lives [sic] by not doing something about this, and they know that, they know that better than anybody up there with a pen!

We'll have to assume that's a slam on either journalists who refuse to tell the truth about how much Trump loves migrant babies who need to be deported, or perhaps a principled attack on anyone who refuses to use a pencil as God intended.

Trump then 'splained that during the 2014 unaccompanied minor crisis, the Obama administration was incredibly inhumane, but thank heaven he's so much nicer. He knows exactly how bad Obama's family detention (which Trump now wants to imitate) was, because he's seen the court rulings that said it was "inhumane treatment -- I read 'em, I looked at 'em, they're all over the place. Inhumane treatment, they were treating 'em terribly." Honestly, the idea that Trump has ever read a court ruling may be the biggest stretch of the day.

Since the cabinet meeting, that particular line, promoted by Gateway Pundit and the Daily Caller, has really blown up on Twitter; we're sure you'll be very surprised to learn that neither rightwing source quotes any judicial decision, but both take care to point out photos of people in cages from several years ago. Now, thank god, they've been replaced with chain-link partitions, which is quite an upgrade.

Then Trump bragged about how, unlike every other president ever, he was finally fixing immigration by having a wholly improvised, incoherent approach that involves talking very tough, and yelling at Mexico, which is "doing nothing for us except for taking our money and sending us drugs. They are doing nothing," which is probably a violation of the Mexico Must Do What We Say Act that he signed in his sleep one time.

The cabinet meeting then moved on to the important business of Donald Trump telling America what a brilliant man he is, and insisting, "We are having the most successful period of time economically perhaps in our country's history," which we are certain is a 100 percent factual statement. This was followed by the ritual praise of Trump by his cabinet members, and a strange Mick Mulvaney rant about the need to place all regulations in one agency so they can be eliminated at once, or something, who knows:


If you make a cheese pizza, it's governed by the Food and Drug administration. If you put a pepperoni on it, that's governed by the USDA.

He then went on with more examples of our insane regulatory regime, which included live chickens, then eggs, then omelettes, all of which need different regulatory agencies, and darned if that isn't just totally outrageous! And also a Republican talking point about the horrors of confusing government regulations that actually goes back to 1999, which is about what you'd expect from a guy who gets all of his ideas delivered fresh from the Heritage Foundation. Clearly, we've reached an anecdotal crisis point.

Then Mulvaney vowed to make sure America is ready to face the Y2K challenge and went back to his office, the end.

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Doktor Zoom

Doktor Zoom's real name is Marty Kelley, and he lives in the wilds of Boise, Idaho. He is not a medical doctor, but does have a real PhD in Rhetoric. You should definitely donate some money to this little mommyblog where he has finally found acceptance and cat pictures. He is on maternity leave until 2033. Here is his Twitter, also. His quest to avoid prolixity is not going so great.

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