Jim Bakker's Friend Here Had Quite A Vision About Donald Trump As A Bloody Goat!
Once upon a time, when I was a teenager, I was sitting on a couch at some punk house when this guy I knew cornered me and started telling me all about how he was going to rule in Hell by Satan's side with Marilyn Manson or something. Then, he kept telling me to look at him so that I could see "the forest" in his eyes.
"That guy sure is on some drugs!" thought I. But I am not Jim Bakker. Jim Bakker hears that some guy had a vision about Donald Trump being a bloody goat with innocent eyes and he says to himself, "Clearly it is prophecy! I must have him on my show!"
And what a vision it was. Dr. Francis Myles, a pastor and master accessorizer (no joke, I would absolutely kill for that necklace) stopped by the Jim Bakker show to explain that this goat vision meant that us demons on the left were nefariously planning to "scapegoat" poor, innocent Donald Trump for all the mass shootings. Not because of how many of these terrorists cite him as an inspiration or share his beliefs about immigration, but because we're open-borders-loving demons who hate how incredibly holy Donald Trump is.
Scapegoat The Word for Election 2020 - Dr Francis Myles on The Jim Bakker Show youtu.be
Via Charisma News:
"The Lord said to me, 'See this goat?'" Myles says. "I say yes. He said to me, he says, 'This strategy that the enemy's about to use against Trump to stop him from having another four years is a double-edged strategy,' he says, 'because this time, it's coming from the underworld and from the political establishment.' I said, 'What do you mean?' He said to me, 'A sacrifice has been made in the demonic world, and the new strategy is going to be to make Donald Trump bloody—the bloodiest president in American history.' But how Lord? He says, 'They are going to make [him] the scapegoat for every bloodshed that happens in America 'til 2020.'
I actually have a recurring dream about goats myself, though it is not bloody. You see, in this dream, I am trapped in this horrific nightmare town that LeVar Burton went to this one time on "Reading Rainbow" where everyone is a goat-human hybrid and they keep trying to make me eat tin cans and it's extremely awkward because all I want is a chicken sandwich. Never once has it occurred to me that this could be a prophecy of some kind. Maybe it is! Maybe we should all jump on the prophecy train and just start claiming that all of our pipe dreams and regular dreams are "prophecies."
But I digress.
"So look at the goat. He's bloodied, but it's not his blood. It has been put on him by those who want to make the goat look guilty for things that the goat did not do. That's the innocence, you see, in the eyes. It's the innocence of this man. His desire is to serve his country. He's a patriot at the very core of his being. He loves America."
How do you tell a goat has innocent eyes though? I mean, I've seen goats in person before, they just have regular goat eyes that are not particularly expressive. And aren't goats supposed to be Satanic? I thought that was a whole thing, with the cloven hooves and what have you? Maybe his dream actually meant that Donald Trump is Satan, and the person he thought was Jesus was actually one of Satan's minions. That seems just as likely to be true as the other thing. Well, true, or a plot line on a supernatural drama on the CW that I would definitely watch.
Myles went on to explain that the "demonic configurations" around Trump have changed, so that the usual method of praying for God to intercede and rig the election in his favor is just not going to work. We're doing entirely new demonic stuff to Trump these days, I guess. Stuff that involves actual "sacrifices" and things. And the only way to keep our demonic forces at bay is for viewers of the Jim Bakker show to buy his new book, Issuing Divine Restraining Orders From The Courts of Heaven, which includes "18 powerful activation prayers for issuing divine restraining orders against spiritual attacks, abuse, witchcraft, the spirit of poverty, premature death, and more."
In fact, after God or Jesus explained the whole "Donald Trump is a bloody goat" thing, He/They gave Myles' book an absolutely glowing recommendation.
"He said to me, 'This is why your book on divine restraining orders is coming out at a time [such] as this, because'—He said—'you're going to win 2020 again using divine restraining orders.'"
How fabulously convenient!
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Robyn Pennacchia is a brilliant, fabulously talented and visually stunning angel of a human being, who shrugged off what she is pretty sure would have been a Tony Award-winning career in musical theater in order to write about stuff on the internet. Previously, she was a Senior Staff Writer at Death & Taxes, and Assistant Editor at The Frisky (RIP). Currently, she writes for Wonkette, Friendly Atheist, Quartz and other sites. Follow her on Twitter at @RobynElyse