We discussed this week how CPAC this year is the loser-est of the loser, just the bottom of the fuckin' barrel of humanity's deplorables. Look at the speaker list, y'all, it is so sad. CPAC this year is literally where you could make up a joke that said "The MyPillow Guy, the Libs Of TikTok lady and Matt Gaetz walk into a bar. Hunter Biden's penis, WOCKA WOCKA!" And that is probably a joke they are telling, or will tell, because they will genuinely think it is funny.

Here are some things that have happened at CPAC this year. It is not an exhaustive list, because LOL shut up.

Donald Trump Jr. was VERY ANGRY about all the three-year-olds out there getting sex reassignment surgery without asking their parents, especially considering how they will not even be able to buy cigarettes for 15 years. At least that's what we assume he means when he says these toddlers are being allowed to "make permanent life-altering decisions."

This is a thing people at CPAC believe.

Sure thing, Junior. Have fun at the after-parties!

Speaking of toddler transgender panic, here is Matt Schlapp's wife Mercy Schlapp saying simply "bathrooms," because that is is how you tell your CPAC panel that it's time to play anti-transgender bingo.

We should note here that Matt Schlapp, the head of CPAC who is being framed by the Daily Beast in an elaborate fake news hoax wherein he is being accused of "pummeling the junk" of a male Herschel Walker campaign staffer, has publicly stated recently that he and his fellow Kansans "go in the toilets." He goes in the toilets. She says "bathrooms." They are just a married couple on the same page. That's all.

(Oh you don't think the Daily Beast is FRAMING HIM? Well we reckon we can't make you think differently, guess there's no convincing you.)

Speaking of Schlapp, here he is saying you all can just stop making fun of the shitty CPAC lineup right now, because he has Jim Jordan next to him. "Might just be the most powerful man in Washington DC!" said Matt, with genuine excitement in his voice.

Also barking up the pantlegs of Jim Jordan's sexxxxxxyass Duckhead khakis at CPAC? Donald Trump Jr., who promised an amazing interview with "All-American Badass Jim Jordan."

When the rockstars of your movement are Jim Jordan, boy we don't know.

Here is stupid dumb fucking football coach and Alabama's enduring shame Senator Tommy Tuberville, saying that schools do not teach "reading, writing and arithmetic" anymore, and that half of American high school graduates cannot read their diplomas. This is because they are too busy learning "transgender athletes" and "1619."

Tuberville also said that the Democrats simultaneously "don't want any gender" and also "want ONE gender." That does sound like the Democratic platform.

Here is seditionist Rep. Scott Perry whining about gas stoves and being forced to put "experimental potion" in your arms, and, um, some other stuff:

Yeah, like we said, some other stuff:

“What average citizens need to, just at some point be willing to acknowledge and accept that every single facet of the federal government is weaponized against every single one of us. They’ve got to be put on notice. They’ve got to be quaking in fear. They’ve got to be worried. They’ve got to be losing weight because they’re not eating, because they’re worried that they’re going to end up going to jail for using the awesome power of the federal government.”

At the end he said that from his position on the House Transportation Committee, he is in charge of federal leases, and if the Deep State doesn't come testify before Jim Jordan's clown committee, he is going to ... cancel their leases?

Scott Perry may not be the brightest turd in the punchbowl, let us not dwell too hard on it.

Uh let's see what else.

Todd Starnes wants Joe Biden impeached for "balloon" and Rep. Mark Green thinks if you touch a dollar bill that has fentanyl on it you die and Donald Trump's huffy pissy acting ICE director Tom Homan said he "don't give a shit" about family separation and UH OH, IT'S MORE THIRST TRAP JIM JORDAN!

In summary and in conclusion, here is Republican Senator John Kennedy, who as ever sounds like the lovechild of Foghorn Leghorn and the old creeper on "Family Guy," saying that "GOD IS GREAT! BEER IS GOOD! AND THE UNITED STATES IS STAR-SPANGLED AWESOME!"

Again, that was "GOD IS GREAT! BEER IS GOOD! AND THE UNITED STATES IS STAR-SPANGLED AWESOME."

You're gonna need to memorize that. It is probably the secret password for when the white fascists take over.

Follow Evan Hurst on Twitter right here!

And once that doesn't exist, I'm also giving things a go at the Mastodon (@evanhurst@newsie.social) and at Post!

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