Donald Trump Jr. Now Proud Best-Selling* Author Of Bulk-Purchased Garbage Book
Donald Trump Jr., who by the grace of God is the president's son and not yours, has long hoped his father might someday at least pretend to love him. Unfortunately, the president doesn't like losers, which Trump Jr. is. But all is not lost for the self-described "son of a rich white guy living in 2019." Trump Jr. finally achieved some measurable success that didn't involve his father sending him to Las Vegas to learn the casino business. He "wrote" a whiny ode to white male grievances called Triggered: How the Left Thrives on Hate and Wants to Silence Us, and it's just topped the New York Times bestseller list.
This was good enough for a congratulatory tweet from the president -- suitable for framing and prominent display in Trump Jr.'s house.
I hate to rain on this parade of paternal praise, but there is a slight asterisk-shaped catch. It seems that "institutional, special interest, group or bulk purchases" contributed to the book's strong sales. Yeah, if you thought Trump Jr. couldn't give away copies of Triggered, he's proven your liberal ass wrong. So there!
The Republican National Committee bought enough copies of Triggered to fill a row of porta-potties. The RNC is giving them to donors as thanks for their continued financial support. The lucky folks probably won't read the book, but they'll never have to worry about important papers flying off their desks.
Trump Jr. even demonstrates his writing talent in fundraising emails that claim Democrats are "rooting" for the president to fail. We'd never waste our time this way. It's as pointless as rooting for the Chicago Cubs to fail. Just stand back and watch them collapse under their own incompetence. Suckers, bigots, or a combination of the two (Trump's core base) are promised their very own copy of Triggered if they "act now" and donate at least $50. Trump Jr. will even personalize your copy with a handcrafted, artisanal signature. The only people who truly deserve such a gift are those who'd willingly give their hard-earned money to help a "billionaire" avoid impeachment.
I don't think free copies of Triggered will help Trump remain in the White House. It might even have the opposite effect. Trump Jr. is directly responsible for the impeachment of the University of Florida's student body president. Michael Murphy spent $50,000 of the school's money to bring Trump Jr. and his Fake Melania girlfriend Kimberly Guilfoyle to the campus last month. That's probably less than what the president paid so Trump Jr. could graduate college, but it's still not a bargain. Trump Jr. has no special insight to offer and doesn't even work in the administration like his "job-creating" sister, who his father actually likes. He's a conservative Charo promoting his own book. [Chatcave explodes in fury over CHARO LIBEL, since she can actually play some motherfucking Flamenco guitar. SER is on very thin ice and wisely decides to go with "Paris Hilton" instead.] He should've paid the school himself for the privilege. He has plenty of money from the regular allowance the president still gives him that he calls a "job."
Hundreds of protesters showed up to the university for what amounted to a Trump rally, despite organizers' insistence that it was a "speaking engagement and not a campaign event." If that was true, Guilfoyle should've stayed at the hotel. She's a senior adviser to Trump's re-election campaign. University police also spent more than $10,000 to keep Trump Jr. safe during his visit. That's more than his father would ever pay.
Student representatives introduced the bill to impeach Murphy on Tuesday. If successful, it's only further proof that Trump Jr. brings disaster to anything he touches, just like the gypsies warned Trump and Ivana when he was born.
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Stephen Robinson is a writer and social kibbitzer based in Portland, Oregon. He's on the board of the Portland Playhouse theater and writes for the immersive theater Cafe Nordo in Seattle. Tickets are on sale now for his latest Nordo collaboration, "Curiouser and Curiouser," an adaptation of "Alice's Adventures in Wonderland" and "Through the Looking Glass." It promises to feel like an actual evening with SER (for good or for ill).