The 346,787 Funniest Times Donald Trump Jr. Was A Loser Whose Dad Doesn't Love Him

Guys! Gals! Non-binaries! Have you gotten around to reading Julia Ioffe's new profile of Donald Trump Jr. in GQ? We have, and it is delicious. Read it for the art alone, which you will have to click over to see for yourself, because we don't want to steal the thunder of this one chap Nigel Buchanan, who drew the most HILARIOUS picture of Dipshit curled up in a ball literally in his dad's shadow. But also read it for the hilarious anecdotes Ioffe tells, of how Junior is a really sucky person whose father doesn't love him! We already kinda knew Daddy has never loved him all that much -- hell, just follow Ashley Feinberg on Twitter, as she chronicles the social media evidence of that each and every day. And we already know he sucks really hard -- like did you hear about how everybody called him Diaper Don in college because of how much he peed on himself all the time, ALLEGEDLY?

But this article from Ioffe just kills it with stories about that shithead, so we are going to pick our favorite quotes and copy/paste them in this here blog post. You ready?

The part where Junior thinks his dad is 'good at stuff'

When a Brazilian journalist asked Don in 2010 whether there was much pressure being Donald junior, he replied, "There probably shouldn't be. But there is for me, because you want to please someone like that, and he's a perfectionist. There's definitely always that shadow that follows you around, like how is this guy, the son of someone so good at what he does, going to act?"


The part where they named him 'Donald Jr.' but they probably should have just named him 'Dipshit'

According to his first wife, Ivana, Donald Trump was never keen on bequeathing his name to anybody. It was Ivana who wanted to call their newborn Donald junior. "You can't do that!" Trump is quoted as saying in Ivana's memoir, Raising Trump. "What if he's a loser?"

Oh, but he is a loser! And so is Daddy! On second thought, "Donald Trump Jr." fits perfectly.

The part where his parents did 'family separation' to THEMSELVES the night Junior was born, probably because he was already a disappointment

That evening he was born, little Don was left by his parents to the care of the hospital's nursery. His father headed home to celebrate New Year's Eve, while Ivana put a boa and a mink over her hospital gown and went to visit a girlfriend recovering from back surgery on another floor of the hospital.

BYE FELICIA. We'd say wow, his parents are dicks (and they are!) but also we know what Junior's face looks like, so ...

The part about the low-rent way Junior proposed to Vanessa, who is now divorcing his weird face

Don earned a scolding from his dad over the way he proposed—a Trumpian publicity stunt in which he scored a free engagement ring by popping the question in a jewelry store at the Short Hills mall in New Jersey.

Money can't buy class! It can usually buy new faces, but not for Junior apparently. We are pretty sure he has tried to pay money for a new face, though.

The part about how Junior only tried to do treason with the Russians in Trump Tower because his dad doesn't love him very much LOLOL AWWWWW

We all know the many stories about what actually happened in Trump Tower on that fateful day in June of 2016, after Junior had practically Diaper Don-ned himself in delight at the prospect of Russians coming to HIS OFFICE to give HIM dirty dirts on Hillary Clinton, that he could give to DADDY. "If it's what you say, I love it!" But Julia Ioffe offers something different about that meeting, details of how pathetic everybody else thought Junior was trying to please Daddy, and how sad he got when he realized that June 9, 2016, was not going to be the day Daddy started loving him.

First he was eager, like eager puppy dog who pees on himself a lot:

" 'So can you show us how does this money go to Hillary?' " two of the participants recall him asking. [Russian lawyer Natalia] Veselnitskaya shot back, "Why don't you do your own research on her? We gave you the idea."

But then he was sad, like sad puppy dog who's too sad to even piddle on himself:

According to one of the participants in the meeting, Don began to realize he wasn't going to be handed what he was hoping for. "The light just went out in his eyes," the participant told me recently. "He was totally disinterested."

And everybody else in the room was like LOL AWWWWW SAD WHAT A IDIOT:

"Maybe he's not an intellectual, but he tried to be useful for his family," the participant from the Russia meeting told me. "I feel bad for him, honestly."

The part about how GAH HE'S SO STUPID

Instead of being wary of his questioners [during his Senate Judiciary Committee testimony], Don wanted to be helpful and calmly acknowledged that he had corresponded with WikiLeaks during the election. He then happily turned the correspondence over to congressional investigators, helpful as ever. "He wasn't embarrassed to be revealing that he had exchanged DMs with WikiLeaks," says the source, even though it was by this point abundantly clear to the American officials that WikiLeaks had links to Russian intelligence. "He's too stupid to be malicious."

Can't business good, can't marriage good, can't pee-pee in the potty good (ALLEGEDLY), can't even treason good! What's he even good for?

NOTHIN'. The answer is NOTHIN'.

Anyway, this has been fun! Read Julia Ioffe's article! Goodbye now!

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