Just look at them shitting their pants. It's like Fox News Christmas!

By now you're aware that Saturday night, an explosive device went off in the Chelsea neighborhood of New York City. Thankfully, no one was killed, though 29 were injured. According to the New York Times, all 29 have been released from the hospital. Pipe bombs were discovered in nearby Elizabeth, New Jersey, on Sunday night, and now investigators are looking into whether the Chelsea explosion was connected with another explosion that happened Saturday in Seaside Park, New Jersey. There was also a mass stabbing event in Minnesota, and ISIS has taken credit for that one, which means we should probably panic. The New York Police Department says it's looking for a suspect in the Chelsea bombing named Ahmad Khan Rahami, which is a Muslim name, therefore we should probably panic more. Was it terrorism? Probably maybe! As so often happens with things like this, we will know what we know when we know it, and not a second before.

Of course, Donald J. Trump, actual presidential candidate, has already figured it all out, and doesn't that make you feel safer already? Before we knew anything, Trump marched out onstage at a rally in Colorado on Saturday night, and said, "Just before I got off the plane, a bomb went off in New York and nobody knows exactly what’s going on." Again, at that time, nobody knew what happened, but Trump knew it DEFINITELY was a bomb.

Meanwhile Hillary Clinton was being all weak on terrorism saying things like "I think it’s important to know the facts about any incident like this" and "I think it’s ... wiser to wait until you have information before making conclusions because we are just in the beginning stages of trying to determine what happened." TYPICAL HILLARY, wanting to know "facts" and shit, like some kind of person who knows how to act presidential, who does she think she is? Also, before she said those smart things about jumping to conclusions, she used the word "bombings" too, so pfffffft, what are we even talking about? At least she was urging restraint, instead of getting a terror boner like Trump got.

Of course, bombs were found in Chelsea, the one that went off and another that didn't, which suggests that Donald Trump rules and Hillary drools, right? Trump went to his Mother's Day Out program at Fox News on Monday morning, and surprise, he gloated about how he KNOWED it was a bomb, therefore he is the smartest guy of all. Let's watch some "Fox & Friends" together, shall we?


CNN is disgusting and disgraceful ...

Wait, we thought we were talking about the Chelsea bombing. Oh wait, WE ARE! He's all mad that CNN slammed him for saying "bomb" when Hillary said "bombing" too, the system is rigged, blah blah blah:

If you saw her in the back of the plane -- and she used the words [sic] "bomb" also, and that's true, I heard, I didn't see it, but I heard, I was criticized for calling it correctly. What I said was absolutely correct. I should be a newscaster because I called it before the news!

He should be a newscaster because he "called it"? Good lord, the man knows less about the news business than he does about anything else. Newscasters don't PREDICT the news, but maybe they will do so on Trump's TV network, the one he starts after he loses the election. "YOOGELY CLOUDY WITH A CHANCE OF TERROR!" What the fuck ever, dude.

Who did this, Trump?

I think there is ... many foreign connections, I think this is one group. OK, this is one group, but you have many, many groups. Because we're allowing these people to come into our country and destroy our country, and make it unsafe for people. We're allowing these people to come in. We don't want to do any profiling. If somebody looks like he's got a massive bomb on his back, we won't go up to that person and say, I'm sorry, because if he looks like he comes from that part of the world, we're not allowed to profile him, give me a break.

Thanks for clearing that up. This is one group, this is many groups, we should ban Muslims from America, unless Trump decides to try to "soften" his message again, and we've got to learn to stand up to all the people with bombs on their backs, the ones Obama is too scared to go after because he loves Muslims too much. This could be your president, America.

Want some more raw transcript, via the NBC journalist Katy Tur, who is probably also disgusting and disgraceful, just like CNN?

You got all that? If you cannot click to embiggen, the basic gist is that Trump will say the magic words "radical Islam," that the cops all know who the terrorists are, but they're too scared to do anything, because they don't want to be "accused of profiling," and you know where they profile? Israel is where they profile, and Israel is doing tremendous work, just terrific, unlike that pussy Obama, etc.

How do we solve this? By bombing the shit out of ISIS, of course! This time, he says we're going to "knock the hell out of them" too, which is probably even more exciting than bombing the shit out of them:

We are, of course, already bombing ISIS on a daily basis, but don't tell Trump that. He got that intelligence briefing and read the body language of the briefers, so he probably knows something Obama and Hillary don't. Obviously.

Deep in his perverted abscess of a mind, Donald Trump is probably pretty giggly right now about this. It's good news for Trump, yeah? America will see he is big strong bear like Vladimir Putin and make him preznit now?

We're still holding out hope that over half of the American electorate isn't that fucking stupid, but you never really know, do you?

[New York Times / The Daily Beast / Katy Tur on Twitter]

Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.


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