Just look at them shitting their pants. It's like Fox News Christmas!


By now you're aware that Saturday night, an explosive device went off in the Chelsea neighborhood of New York City. Thankfully, no one was killed, though 29 were injured. According to the New York Times, all 29 have been released from the hospital. Pipe bombs were discovered in nearby Elizabeth, New Jersey, on Sunday night, and now investigators are looking into whether the Chelsea explosion was connected with another explosion that happened Saturday in Seaside Park, New Jersey. There was also a mass stabbing event in Minnesota, and ISIS has taken credit for that one, which means we should probably panic. The New York Police Department says it's looking for a suspect in the Chelsea bombing named Ahmad Khan Rahami, which is a Muslim name, therefore we should probably panic more. Was it terrorism? Probably maybe! As so often happens with things like this, we will know what we know when we know it, and not a second before.

Of course, Donald J. Trump, actual presidential candidate, has already figured it all out, and doesn't that make you feel safer already? Before we knew anything, Trump marched out onstage at a rally in Colorado on Saturday night, and said, "Just before I got off the plane, a bomb went off in New York and nobody knows exactly what’s going on." Again, at that time, nobody knew what happened, but Trump knew it DEFINITELY was a bomb.

Meanwhile Hillary Clinton was being all weak on terrorism saying things like "I think it’s important to know the facts about any incident like this" and "I think it’s ... wiser to wait until you have information before making conclusions because we are just in the beginning stages of trying to determine what happened." TYPICAL HILLARY, wanting to know "facts" and shit, like some kind of person who knows how to act presidential, who does she think she is? Also, before she said those smart things about jumping to conclusions, she used the word "bombings" too, so pfffffft, what are we even talking about? At least she was urging restraint, instead of getting a terror boner like Trump got.

Of course, bombs were found in Chelsea, the one that went off and another that didn't, which suggests that Donald Trump rules and Hillary drools, right? Trump went to his Mother's Day Out program at Fox News on Monday morning, and surprise, he gloated about how he KNOWED it was a bomb, therefore he is the smartest guy of all. Let's watch some "Fox & Friends" together, shall we?

 

Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.

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