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Hey you guys, Donald Trump has a new conspiracy theory festering up inside his molten orange butthole, and it is that Hillary Clinton colluded with Russia to make a fake DODGY DOSSIER that is now voting for Democrats from coast to coast, creating a make-believe NO BLUE WAVE, NO BLUE WAVE, YOU ARE THE BLUE WAVE. This is obviously why in these very close, uncalled races, they keep "finding" votes.

No, we are not fucking around, and yes, the president of the United States continues to be the stupidest fucking human being alive.



Oh go fuck yourself.

No one in America gets paid enough to debunk the bullshit that gets tangled in Donald Trump's thicket of Yeti Pubes, but we guess we will do it FUCKING AGAIN.

Trump is very, very confused by how Florida keeps "finding votes" and Arizona is "not done counting votes" and Georgia is "hiding votes in the butt strap of Brian Kemp's rebel flag thong, ALLEGEDLY." But instead of learning Things, How Do They Work, Trump has decided to go with conspiracy theories some idiots told him about.

During his press availability Friday morning, Trump explained what's REALLY happening with all these outstanding votes:


AND ALL OF A SUDDEN THEY'RE FINDING VOTES OUT OF NOWHERE! AND RICK SCOTT, WHO WON BY, YOU KNOW IT WAS CLOSE, BUT HE WON BY A COMFORTABLE MARGIN, EVERY COUPLE OF HOURS IT GOES DOWN A LITTLE BIT ... AND THEN YOU SEE THE PEOPLE! AND THEY WERE INVOLVED WITH THAT FRAUD OF THE FAKE DOSSIER! THE PHONY DOSSIER! AND I GUESS I HEAR THEY WERE SOMEHOW INVOLVED OR WORKED WITH THE "GPS FUSION" PEOPLE!

WHO HAVE COMMITTED I MEAN YOU LOOK AT WHAT THEY'VE DONE!

YOU LOOK AT THE DISHONESTY!

LOOK!

LOOK!

ALL CAPS TRANSCRIPT BECAUSE PRESIDENT EARLY BIRD MENU IS YELLING AT CLOUDS AGAIN!

Then he 'splained some more what is happening in Broward County:


AND ALL OF A SUDDEN THEY'RE FINDING VOTES? YOU MEAN AFTER THE ELECTION? THEY'RE FINDING VOTES? [...] AND YOU HAVE THIS GUY ELIAS? WHO REPRESENTED HILLARY CLINTON? IN A LOT OF VERY SHADY THINGS?

I THINK WHAT YOU OUGHTA DO IS GET SMART!

They're just showing up! The votes! The bad man Elias is finding them! Elias is the GPS Fusion!

Fuuuuuuuuuuuuck, can Melania please have him committed before he hurts himself and/or destroys the entire world?

So! On top of Marco Rubio shredding every last vestige of his credibility by crying conspiracy about Florida counting ALL THE FUCKING VOTES -- which we detailed exhaustively here -- and Rick Scott actually saying with his mouth that "unethical liberals" are trying to steal the election, by counting everybody's votes, and aside from yelling at the people supervising the elections in Florida, we have a new conspiracy theory, and it is MARC ELIAS "GPS FUSION" DODGY DOSSIER FAKE WITCH HUNT LOCK HER UP!

So the deal is, Marc Elias -- who indeed was a lawyer for the Clinton campaign -- was also the guy who paid Fusion GPS for oppo research on Trump, which led to Fusion GPS hiring Chris Steele, one of the most respected spies in the entire fucking world, to look into Trump's ties with Russia. What he uncovered was an insane conspiracy where Russia helped Trump steal the election. (And to be clear, NOTHING in what became known as the dossier has been disproven.)

Therefore, the obvious conclusion, as we typed above, is MARC ELIAS "GPS FUSION" DODGY DOSSIER FAKE WITCH HUNT LOCK HER UP! And also probably #DEEPSTATE #HILLARY #BENGHAZI #PIZZAGATE! Because it's the same guy!

Elias an extremely accomplished recount lawyer (like he is BIGLY GOOD AT HIS JOB), and as Josh Marshall notes on Twitter, he's pretty much been the Democrats' go-to for approximately FOREVER.

Rick Scott, of course, has helped fuel the conspiracy:

Senator Nelson hired one of Hillary Clinton's lawyers from D.C., and the first thing he did was tell reporters that he is here to win the election.

But then he pulled the Fusion GPS thing out of the right-wing fever swamp too:

Scott also sought to tie Nelson's recount effort to Hillary Clinton, pointing out that Nelson's election lawyer, Marc Elias, also worked for Clinton's 2016 presidential campaign and helped arrange financing for the Fusion GPS "dossier" on Donald Trump. Right-wing media quickly picked up on the Elias connection, with Breitbart devoting top placement on its homepage to a video describing Elias as a "Lawyer Tied to Clinton Campaign & 'Pee Dossier.'"

Awesome. Totally normal.

To be as fair as we can possibly be, Republicans can't be happy with Elias for saying stuff like this:

"The tone, the tenor and [Scott's] behavior last night is not suggestive of a campaign that believes it's winning," Marc Elias, the Nelson campaign's lead recount lawyer, said on a call with reporters.

"This is not a third-world dictatorship," Elias said, referring to Scott's "veiled threat or suggestion that he was somehow going to involve law enforcement."

"We don't let people seize ballots when they think they're losing," he continued.

But how can the GOP win elections if it can't suppress the vote? Answer us that one, MARC.

The conspiracy theories from Trump and Rick Scott and Marco Rubio and all the other right-wing blogs for pig people are trickling down to the unwashed masses, and now people are protesting and screaming "lock her up!" about Brenda Snipes, who is another part of Trump's conspiracy theory, and who's overseeing the count in Broward. (For more about who's driving these protests and where they came from, check out The Daily Beast.)

To be clear, there is weird shit happening with Florida's vote, but it's not weird shit wingnut morons are latching onto. For instance, the way there are thousands of Democratic ballots in Broward that weirdly show NO VOTE IN THE SENATE RACE:

In every other county, there is a 0.5 percent difference between the number of votes case for governor and those for senator. But in heavily Democratic Broward, the difference is 3.7 percent. HUH. So, machine error? Human error? OUTRIGHT FUCKERY? Dunno, but maybe they'll figure it out when they start the machine recounts, and then, if the margins in both the Senate and gubernatorial races end up under 0.25 percent, in the hand recounts!

Then and only then will they find Hillary Clinton's fingerprints all over this and Trump's 'roided out (allegedly!) meat thug "acting attorney general" can LOCK HER UP.

You betcha.

By the way, President Total Fucking Whack-Job has been tweeting about this the entire time he's been on his plane to France, because of how he is a Stable Genius. If you're interested in that, you know where his dumb fucking Twitter is.

[Daily Beast]

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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HOLY ACHTUNG TWITTER IS FREAKING OUT! Special Counsel Robert Mueller's office (SCO) has issued a statement, almost 24 full hours after Buzzfeed's story on Donald Trump ordering Michael Cohen to lie to Congress about the failed Trump Tower Moscow deal started blowing everybody's minds. Mueller's spokesman says actually BuzzFeed got it a bit wrong. This is significant because 1) Mueller's office NEVER talks, and B) well, they're not actually saying BuzzFeed got it WRONG wrong. Just, you know, kinda wrong.

Wow, that statement is lawyered as fuck. BuzzFeed described "specific statements" wrong, and its "characterization of documents and testimony" was just an eensy bit off, and maybe if BuzzFeed moved this sofa over here it would take advantage of more natural light in the room, and honestly, BuzzFeed should trim up this one paragraph of its article, because those sentences DO NOT SPARK MARIE KONDO'S JOY.

Otherwise, it's great!

First of all, we want everybody to relax. Donald Trump is still a criminal.

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It's been a joy watching the reactions come in from TrumpWorld about the news that Donald Trump has committed YET ANOTHER CRIME, in this case suborning perjury by instructing his former lawyer thug fixer Michael Cohen to lie to Congress. How many other people did he do that with? WE DUNNO! But that's not what this post is about.

First of all, let's see what the big guy himself did. As with all presidential statements from the un-president, it happened on Twitter:

Oh wait, that's (grapes) not it. Here it is:

That's right, the president of the United States reacted to a bombshell news report exposing that he had tampered with a witness by suborning perjury by ... tampering with that witness some more in public, by threatening his father-in-law! (To be fair, Trump has been trying to intimidate the witness by encouraging the feds to investigate Cohen's father-in-law for a hot minute now. It's one of his things, like tweeting and pooping at the same time and comparing WALL to WHEEL.)

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