POOR, UNAPPRECIATED DONALD TRUMP! After all he's done for them, and those ungrateful brown islanders just whine and complain. It's dark!, they say, and we have no water!

Luckily Donald Trump's crack media team made this handy video so Puerto Ricans will know where to send their gracias notes.

Check out our manly president personally flying a chopper to lift chunks of jersey wall! What a brilliant stroke of genius to send the USNS Comfort Hospital vessel six days after Hurricane Maria hit (and two days after Crooked Hillary tweeted about it). And the Red Cross is there with phone chargers, so let's all give Donald Trump a round of applause for that one.

Truly, Donald Trump is a blessing to the Puerto Rican people! Or as Trump himself likes to call them when he's sharing a taco bowl with his amigos for Hispanic Heritage Month, the Poo-air-toe Rrrrrrreeee-cans.

Surely, we as the nation must offer up our abundant gratitude! Let this little communist Mommyblog lead the way in saying ¡Gracias, Papi! For the manifold blessings bestowed on our island neighbor, which many people are learning may even be a part of the United States! Although, of course, it can never hope to be a part of Real America. ¡Triste!

Thank you President Trump!

For giving us all some much-needed perspective. Sure 85% of Puerto Ricans are still without power and 40% have no water 19 days after the storm. But Hello, Only 34 people died! No offense, PR, but this ain't no Katrina. Plus, you're throwing the federal budget all "out of whack!"

Which is why Donald Trump's FEMA had to pull that distracting data about power and water restoration in Puerto Rico off its website. People were just taking it the wrong way! Avoid the fake news and follow the president's Twitter feed for updates on PR. He'll tell you everything you need to know!

Thank you President Trump!

For giving us the enemy we need. If you hadn't picked a fight with Carmen Yulín Cruz, the mayor of San Juan, how would we know who to blame for this not-a-real-catastrophe?

Sure, heartland America would have probably worked out that the uppity brown lady was the villain here. But thanks for saving us all time.

The nerve of this woman!

Good thing your FEMA Administrator Brock Long got the memo and muted Ms. Cruz, too. If the 400,000 residents of PR's capital wanted to have a voice, they should have elected a white guy! Via Politico,

We filtered out the mayor a long time ago. We don't have time for the political noise...The bottom line is, is that we are making progress every day in conjunction with the governor.

Totally appropriate! Like telling people who have no power to fill out aid requests online.

Thank you President Trump!

For dedicating this fine golf trophy to the victims of hurricanes in Florida, Texas and Puerto Rico. It takes real leadership to make a bunch of feckless douchebags at a country club in New Jersey take a moment to pretend to care about the poors. Hole in one, Sir!

Thank you President Trump!

For your tireless efforts on behalf of the Puerto Rican people. Despite your busy schedule, you managed to cross the Big Water, Ocean Water to bless the people of Puerto Rico with your holy presence. What would they ever do without the dozen rolls of "beautiful, soft towels" you tossed into the crowd?

And you didn't even demand that the ladies flash their boobs! Because you are classy, and the bodega was out of Tic Tacs.

Surely this will be the new model for disaster relief distributions. Generations to come will venerate your name, Sir!

Thank you President Trump!

For showing the world that we must not be consumed by grief and fear. Even while you labored to save the indebted losers disaster victims in Puerto Rico, you found time to hit the links seven times since Hurricane Maria. Even in the midst of crisis, our brave president soldiers on.

¡Gracias, Papi! ¡Gracias por todo!


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Liz Dye

Liz Dye lives in Baltimore with her wonderful husband and a houseful of teenagers. When she isn't being mad about a thing on the internet, she's hiding in plain sight in the carpool line. She's the one wearing yoga pants glaring at her phone.


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