Donald Trump Proclaimed Greatest Golfer Ever, By Donald Trump
Just in case anyone was wondering, Donald Trump is one excellent golfer, even though he promised he'd give up golf so he wouldn't be like that lazybones golf addict Barack Obama, NO WAY. But since Trump nevertheless finds a little bit of time to golf -- always while conducting the nation's business, mind you -- it should be no surprise he managed to win his own golf resort's 2018 Champion Best Golfer award for bestness. Golf magazine explains how this wonder came to be: Trump cheated. Wait, we are giving away the secret surprise ending, naughty Dok Zoom, bad Dok Zoom, that is not how a "teaser" works!
Here, enjoy Golf's not-at-all skeptical recounting of the Great Man's golf prowess:
The president's official USGA handicap index is listed as 2.8, though he seldom posts scores. Any visitor to the ornate men's locker room at his club here , Trump International Golf Club [in West Palm Beach, since every Trump resort is Trump International Fuckadoody -- Dok], can see small rectangular brass plaques on his locker, recognizing him as the 1999, 2001 and 2009 club champion, and the 2012 and 2013 senior champion.
And now there's a new plaque on his locker, screwed into its stained wood with two small Phillips head screws, to commemorate his latest title. It reads:
MEN'S CLUB CHAMPION
They even have a picture!
We're looking forward to the follow-up story when Trump orders the execution, by anti-aircraft gun, of whoever got that little brass plaque on there unevenly. And of course, Sean Hannity's insistence that the malefactor got off too easy.
Donald Trump's achievement -- best golfer of 2018, while being "president" even! -- easily outshines the golf greatness of his nearest rival, Kim Jong Il, who scored 11 holes-in-one the first time he ever golfed. No one would be so foolish as to question it, since it's right there, with plenty of brass.
And yet, those lying fake news enemies of the people at Golf do exactly that, explaining that technically, the 2018 club champion at the Trump International Golf And Pimp-Access Parlor was a dude named
Ted Virtue, the 58-year-old CEO of a New York investment firm called MidOcean Partners, [who] had the 2018 club championship title all to himself.
Virtue got the title after winning a "series of matches" at the club, which is how people generally win that sort of thing. For all Trump's love of golf, he didn't play often enough to actually win the club championship outright. But you see, Virtue was not able to have his own reward:
After Virtue won the championship, Trump ran into him at the club, according to multiple sources who recounted the story. Having some fun with him, Trump said something like, "The only reason you won is because I couldn't play." The president cited the demands of his job, although he was able to make 20 visits to the club in 2018, according to trumpgolfcount.com. Trump then proposed a nine-hole challenge match to Virtue, winner-takes-the-title.
And wouldn't you know it, Trump WON! At least Virtue and Trump both say he did, fair and square:
They played match play (each hole as its own contest) and straight up (no shots were given). As in nearly all amateur golf rounds, no rules official was on hand. Golf's tradition calls for players to police themselves and, if necessary, one another.
Surely no one questions this gentlemanly agreement to play fair. And since Trump beat the champion, that made HIM the 2018 champion, although he very generously told Virtue something akin to "This isn't fair — we'll be co-champions." Which is how the 2018 club championship is
reportedly listed on a large club-championship plaque on a clubhouse wall, as co-champions. That would mean Trump's name is now on that plaque four times. Or five, if you include the appearance of his surname on the gold crest at its top.
Those Golf guys, such kidders! They add there was "no immediate word on the president's plans, if any, to defend the championship he co-owns." Well of course he will. And he has already won, just ask him!
We can hardly wait for Sarah Sanders to be asked about this, assuming she ever holds a press briefing again.
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Doktor Zoom's real name is Marty Kelley, and he lives in the wilds of Boise, Idaho. He is not a medical doctor, but does have a real PhD in Rhetoric. You should definitely donate some money to this little mommyblog where he has finally found acceptance and cat pictures. He is on maternity leave until 2033. Here is his Twitter, also. His quest to avoid prolixity is not going so great.