Donald Trump Promises Yoogest, Classiest Fake Presidential Campaign EVER!
Seems the ratings are down for Donald Trump's teevee show "Apprentice," because he's dropping that like a wife over 40 to put on a new "reality" show: Donald Trump pretends he is seriously going to run for president.
The Union Leader reported Tuesday Trump's plan and humble-as-always statement that he is forming an exploratory committee instead of renewing his contract with NBC to scream "YOU'RE FIRED!" at washed-up celebrities:
"I have a great love for our country, but it is a country that is in serious trouble. We have lost the respect of the entire world. Americans deserve better than what they get from their politicians – who are all talk and no action! I have built a great company, created thousands of jobs and built a tremendous net worth with some of the finest and most prestigious assets in the world – and very little debt! All Americans deserve the same opportunity. Our real unemployment rate is staggering while our manufacturing base is eroding on a daily basis. We must rebuild our infrastructure, control our borders, support local control of education, greatly strengthen our military, care for our veterans and put Americans back to work! We must stop other countries from totally taking advantage of our representatives who are being out-negotiated at every turn. I am the only one who can make America truly great again!"
Of course we already know Donald Trump is the only person in America who can make it great again because of how he is always telling us that, so it must be true. We assume he will apply the same techniques he has so successfully used in his own life: inheriting family money because it is much easier to make money when you already have money; perpetually declaring bankruptcy for his failed business ventures; and filing multi-million dollar lawsuits against Florida cities that dare to fly airplanes above his mansion. You're welcome, USA!
For those of you unfamiliar with how presidential campaigns, even the fake kind, work: Forming an exploratory committee is only one in a long list of steps toward actually running for president. It allows you to Make A Website and Ask For Money so you can get other people to fund your meet-regular-Americans road trips to deep-throat corndogs at Iowa state fairs; gnash your teeth about Livin' Free or Dyin', Man, in New Hampshire; and travel down to South Carolina to make speeches about how there ain't nothin' wrong with celebratin' your confederate heritage, states rights forever, huzzah! Given how many people are always begging Donald Trump on The Twitters to run for president, exploring whether there is a national outcry for his candidacy seems unnecessary. Besides, he has already told us about how easy it was for him to imagine he would have beaten Barack Obama in 2012, so it seems plainly obvious that Trump is the natural choice for the 2016 GOP nomination.
Except for how, as the National Journal points out, pretty much everyone in his own party hates the guy, and 74 percent of Republicans can't even imagine casting a vote for him in the primaries. But those YOOOGE idiots should spend more time on Twitter, where Donald Trump is clearly beloved by random people who know, just like he does, that he is the only guy who can save this country. (Except for those jerks on Twitter who make him look dumb, but he's planning to sue those people out of existence. They do not count.)
And once Trump has sued and/or YOU'RE FIRED all of his opponents and enemies, his pretend path to pretending he is really going to run for president this time should be clear. And we are absolutely ready to pretend we are #ReadyForTrump.