Donald Trump Rules Out Banging Ted Cruz's Uggo Wife, Ew Yuck

No love no more.

[contextly_sidebar id="BO9pjNUOAdLoVJoXryENNnYTfFERjWMI"]So, it's a day, which means it's time for another dick fight between Donald Trump and Ted Cruz over whether Melania Trump's boobies are hot or not, or is Heidi Cruz hiding a secret Whitey Tape in her granny panties, or MAYBE SOMETHING ELSE? If you'll remember, this all started on Twitter, where Important People go to have Important Debates about Stuff And Things, when Trump got SO MAD BRO that a Cruz-supporting super PAC made an ad full of Melania's boobies and somehow suggested her holy ta-tas were unfit for service as our next First Lady. Trump followed with insinuations about Heidi's secrets, yadda yadda, you know the rest.

But then The Donald had to go make it worser by retweeting a thing from one of his cracker-ass supporters:

Well that's not fair, @Don_Vito_08! Putting a picture of Melania Trump after she's had time to do her makeup and have her morning lettuce snacks or whatever right next to a picture of the face Heidi makes every morning when she remembers she married Ted Cruz and wonders where it all went wrong? That's not a valid comparison, bro!

[contextly_sidebar id="MwNspvVKo649fXP9XEsUfdWc1eNFB8fo"]Now, we know that Trump is only halfway paying attention when he retweets his supporters. It's like his tiny short vulgar fingers just get stuck on the retweet button or something. He did this a whole lot during the great American Donald Trump debate over is Megyn Kelly an attractive, qualified journalist, or is she a wild-eyed, maniacal animal who unfairly froths blood out of her wherevers, right onto Donald Trump's terrific Corn Flakes?

REGARDLESS, it seems to have gotten Ted Cruz's attention, because he has stepped up to once again brandish his Canadian Sword Of Phallic Wife Defending, to take that Donald Trump character down once and for all:

Or not. Geez Ted, can you pop a blue bill and get it up for five seconds? Is "Melania's pretty hot but I love Heidi kind of" really the answer your wife wants to hear right now?

[contextly_sidebar id="Y0mLnIqzx7uyHEGawideC6adrtuWHKfC"]We actually do have to say, though, that we feel something close to sympathy for Ted Cruz in this situation, and trust us, that feeling is disconcerting and uncomfortable and we're sure we'll get over it once we remind ourselves why everybody hates Ted Cruz and his petulant, punchable tainthole of a face.

[contextly_sidebar id="oGGRimAfAuS4xpWWin9lgNjIX5OdS0To"]But also too, Donald Trump is being a REAL asshole, and it's not even necessary because, despite what you may have heard from Ted Cruz about how Ted Cruz winning Utah means Ted Cruz is going to be the president of Ted Cruz, Trump is still beating his possibly undocumented dick six ways to Sunday in the Republican primary.

So why is Trump acting like this? Oh that's right. Because he's a pussy. A yoooooge, sniveling cockweasel pussy.

[Trump Twitter / Cruz Twitter]

Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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