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[contextly_sidebar id="BO9pjNUOAdLoVJoXryENNnYTfFERjWMI"]So, it's a day, which means it's time for another dick fight between Donald Trump and Ted Cruz over whether Melania Trump's boobies are hot or not, or is Heidi Cruz hiding a secret Whitey Tape in her granny panties, or MAYBE SOMETHING ELSE? If you'll remember, this all started on Twitter, where Important People go to have Important Debates about Stuff And Things, when Trump got SO MAD BRO that a Cruz-supporting super PAC made an ad full of Melania's boobies and somehow suggested her holy ta-tas were unfit for service as our next First Lady. Trump followed with insinuations about Heidi's secrets, yadda yadda, you know the rest.

But then The Donald had to go make it worser by retweeting a thing from one of his cracker-ass supporters:

Well that's not fair, @Don_Vito_08! Putting a picture of Melania Trump after she's had time to do her makeup and have her morning lettuce snacks or whatever right next to a picture of the face Heidi makes every morning when she remembers she married Ted Cruz and wonders where it all went wrong? That's not a valid comparison, bro!

[contextly_sidebar id="MwNspvVKo649fXP9XEsUfdWc1eNFB8fo"]Now, we know that Trump is only halfway paying attention when he retweets his supporters. It's like his tiny short vulgar fingers just get stuck on the retweet button or something. He did this a whole lot during the great American Donald Trump debate over is Megyn Kelly an attractive, qualified journalist, or is she a wild-eyed, maniacal animal who unfairly froths blood out of her wherevers, right onto Donald Trump's terrific Corn Flakes?

REGARDLESS, it seems to have gotten Ted Cruz's attention, because he has stepped up to once again brandish his Canadian Sword Of Phallic Wife Defending, to take that Donald Trump character down once and for all:

Or not. Geez Ted, can you pop a blue bill and get it up for five seconds? Is "Melania's pretty hot but I love Heidi kind of" really the answer your wife wants to hear right now?

[contextly_sidebar id="Y0mLnIqzx7uyHEGawideC6adrtuWHKfC"]We actually do have to say, though, that we feel something close to sympathy for Ted Cruz in this situation, and trust us, that feeling is disconcerting and uncomfortable and we're sure we'll get over it once we remind ourselves why everybody hates Ted Cruz and his petulant, punchable tainthole of a face.

[contextly_sidebar id="oGGRimAfAuS4xpWWin9lgNjIX5OdS0To"]But also too, Donald Trump is being a REAL asshole, and it's not even necessary because, despite what you may have heard from Ted Cruz about how Ted Cruz winning Utah means Ted Cruz is going to be the president of Ted Cruz, Trump is still beating his possibly undocumented dick six ways to Sunday in the Republican primary.

So why is Trump acting like this? Oh that's right. Because he's a pussy. A yoooooge, sniveling cockweasel pussy.

[Trump Twitter / Cruz Twitter]

Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.

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You guys, hi, hello, it is almost the holiday weekend, so we are going to share you a real video posted last night by "Doctor" Sebastian "Don't Call Me A Nazi" Gorka, that hilarious old knucklecuck. We guess now that he had to give up (or gave up voluntarily!) his Fox News contract, he just makes videos for the Twitter. Hoo ... ray?

Anyway, Gorka is super-excited that Donald Trump issued that order last night, giving Bill Barr all kinds of new powers to expose the Deep State for what it is and PROVE once and for all that the gremlins who live inside Trump's diarrhea are correct when they say Hillary ordered the Deep State to do an illegal witch hunt to Trump, yadda yadda yadda, you've seen these people huff paint before, we don't have to type it all.

Here is the video, after which Wonkette will either transcribe it OR we will provide our own dramatic interpretation. Which one will it be? We don't know! Would you be able to tell the difference between the two? We don't know!

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We want to say right here at the outset that we hate Julian Assange. Aside from the sexual assault allegations against him, and aside from the fact that he's just a generally stinky and loathsome person who reportedly smeared poop on the walls at the Ecuadorian embassy in London, while reportedly not taking care of his cat, an innocent creature, he acted as Russia's handmaiden during the 2016 election, in order to further Russia's campaign to steal it for Donald Trump. All signs point to his campaign being a success!

So we are justifiably happy when bad things happen to Julian Assange. We are happy his name is shit the world over, and that any reputation WikiLeaks used to have for being on the side of freedom and transparency has been stuffed down the toilet where it belongs. We are happy he looked like such a sad-ass loser when the Ecuadorian embassy finally kicked him out and he was arrested.

And quite frankly, we were OK with the initial charge against him recently unsealed in the Eastern District of Virginia. If you'll remember, he was charged with trying to help Chelsea Manning hack a password into the Defense Department, which is not what journalists do. Journalists do not drive the get-away car for sources. Journalists do not hold their sources' hair back while they're stealing classified intel. Assange is essentially accused of doing all that.

Now, put all that aside. Because -- and this is key -- journalists do publish secrets they are provided by sources. That's First Amendment, chapter and verse, American as fucking apple pie and fast-food-induced diabetes. And that is what much of the superseding indictment of Assange unsealed yesterday was about. (And nope, it wasn't about anything regarding Assange's ratfucking the 2016 election or Hillary's emails. Why would the Trump Justice Department prosecute anything about that? It's all about the older Chelsea Manning stuff, the stuff the Obama Justice Department considered charging Assange with, but ultimately declined, because of that little thing called the First Amendment.)

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