Trump Fires 'Caronavirus' And Stock Market For Disloyalty, Refusing To Investigate Joe Biden
Donald Trump is getting worried about the coronavirus outbreak. He's not so much worried about the health of Americans, because no one who gets sick will be allowed within a quarter mile of him. But stock markets are dropping all around the world on fears of how the disease will affect global supply chains, and the Washington Post reports Trump is "furious" about that display of disloyalty, especially in an election year.
Trump explained on Twitter this morning that everything is just fine, and that the stock markets are being deliberately lied to by his enemies, who are lying about the "Caronavirus."
Don't believe the media! Instead, listen to the guy who has the best information! Trump is on top of the Corollavirus. It's far easier to contain than the Camryvirus, especially the version with the 3.5 liter V6 and heated seats. Now if Trump could just explain why European markets are also down. Must be a whole lot of French investors watching MSNBC.
We've taken a screenshot of Trump's misspelling, but frankly we expect that by the end of the day the virus will be officially renamed from its current designation as "SARS-CoV-2" (turns out "Covid-19" is the disease, not the virus, please update your files) to "Caronavirus Democrat Death Virus." At least on Fox News.
Yesterday morning, Dr. Nancy Messonnier, a top scientist at the Centers for Disease Control, said the virus's effects in the US "may seem overwhelming and that disruption to everyday life may be severe," and that it's "not a question of if this will happen, but when this will happen, and how many people in this country will have severe illnesses." She said the further spread of the Covid-19 was "inevitable," so people should take reasonable precautions. And hey, don't panic, either.
Trump's top economic advisor, Larry Kudlow, staggered to a podium in the White House to reassure CNBC that everything's under control, OK? Sure the public health people are getting ready, but that's what they do, right? But Kudlow's business is business, and everything there is EXCELLENT.
We have contained this. We have contained this. I won't say airtight, but pretty close to airtight [...] This is a human tragedy, there's no question, particularly in China, human tragedy, with thousands of deaths, God look over them, terrible, and that's the worst part of it.
The business side and the economic side, I don't think it's gonna be an economic tragedy at all. There will be some stumbles. We're looking at numbers; it's a little iffy But at the moment [...] there's no supply disruptions out there yet.
The numbers, he said, indicate the US is "holding up nicely."
Kudlow also assured the Washington Post that now is a great time to take advantage of "these dips" in the market -- a thousand-point drop in the Dow Monday, followed by another almost 900-point loss Tuesday -- and that little market slumps are a terrific chance to "buy low." That may even be sound Suze Orman advice to people who can afford it, in a long-term sense, but it isn't exactly reassuring to people worried about an epidemic.
That's consistent with other happy talk coming out of the White House, like commerce Secretary Wilbur Ross's optimistic take on Fox Business last month, "I think it will help to accelerate the return of jobs to North America, some to [the] U.S., probably some to Mexico as well." Ross is a cheery fellow who also thinks global warming will create profitable new shipping routes to Asia, which we suppose won't be needed since all the manufacturers will have come back to North America.
Kudlow also insisted he and the CDC really don't disagree, just that they do their public health thing and he does his economy thing:
There's a fear factor right now, and I get that, but what I was trying to say is this thing is not going to go on forever, and our economy is in great shape.
The White House offered a typically fact-light comment on fears that the virus could become a seriously big deal, because nah it's not.
"Unfortunately what we are seeing today is a political effort by the Left and some in the media to distract and disturb the American people with fearful rhetoric and palace intrigue," White House spokesman Judd Deere said in a statement. "The United States economy is the strongest in the world thanks to the leadership and policies of President Trump. The virus remains low risk domestically because of the containment actions taken by this Administration since the first of the year."
By late afternoon, the CDC may have gotten the message to stop sounding so gloomy about disease 'n' things, because the CDC's principal deputy director, Anne Schuchat, was singing a happier tune, reminding reporters that "We believe the immediate risk here in the United States remains low and we're working hard to keep that risk low." We're waiting for the inevitable leak of a Trump phone call where he asks Schuchat to do us a favor though and look into this Biden thing, with the Bidens, and the server, they say one of the wealthy people at the CDC has the server, so if the CDC could just look into that.
Trump has scheduled a news conference for 6 p.m. Eastern, which CDC officials "and others" will also attend, although who knows what Trump may say if they start warning the disease could spread in the US. We're betting the "others" will either be people calling for tighter immigration restrictions, or perhaps some family members of those killed by undocumented immigrants, because that's the far greater risk to US America.
Yr Wonkette will liveblog the "president's" reassurances to the nation, starting a bit before 6:00 Eastern. That's 3:00 Pacific and sometime 15 minutes after each thing he says in "Mountain" time, and believe us, that's because of the time zone, not Dok's slow typing.
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Doktor Zoom's real name is Marty Kelley, and he lives in the wilds of Boise, Idaho. He is not a medical doctor, but does have a real PhD in Rhetoric. You should definitely donate some money to this little mommyblog where he has finally found acceptance and cat pictures. He is on maternity leave until 2033. Here is his Twitter, also. His quest to avoid prolixity is not going so great.