Donate

MAYBE.


Did you hear about the breaking news about how on top of how Ted Cruz is maybe the Zodiac Killer, his dry-drunk dad might have been Lee Harvey Oswald's fluffer when he murdered our beloved President John Fitzgerald Kennedy? It's in The National Enquirer so it might be true! The evidence? Well, Oswald was in a picture taken in New Orleans a few months before the assassination with a guy who might or might not be Rafael Cruz! Were they planning MURDER together, while they passed out pro-Castro leaflets? Or did they just happen to stumble out of Lafitte's at the same time, because the real secret is how Ted Cruz's dad is gay for the penis?

WE WILDLY CONJECTURE, YOU DECIDE.

Anyway, Donald Trump decided it was time to just coyly suggest that maybe it's true and Big Rafael likes to murder JFK in his spare time. He said it to the "Fox & Friends" derp factory:

His father was with Lee Harvey Oswald, prior to Oswald's being shot, you know, the whole thing is ridiculous, what is this? Right prior to his being shot. And nobody even brings it up. I mean, they don't even talk about that. That was reported, and nobody talks about it, but I think it's horrible, I think it's absolutely horrible, that a man can go and do that, what he's saying there. [...]

What was he doing with Lee Harvey Oswald, shortly before the death, before the shooting? It's horrible.

[wonkbar]<a href="http://wonkette.com/523390/forget-royal-baby-ted-cruz-has-mandate-of-heaven-says-ted-cruzs-dad"></a>[/wonkbar]Um, OK, so two things. When Trump says "what [Big Rafael] is saying" is "horrible," he's talking about how Daddy Cruz said his foreign-born Canadian son would be Jesus's pick for president. He's been saying that shit FOREVER. Now, yr Wonkette is tight with the Lord and we feel safe saying Jesus hates Ted Cruz just as much as everybody else does. We ALSO firmly believe Jesus would never buy a Make America Great Again hat, because it would mess up His luscious savior locks.

[wonkbar]<a href="http://wonkette.com/600012/is-ted-cruz-adulterous-foreign-born-whore-maybe"></a>[/wonkbar]The second thing is that Donald Trump and the Enquirer are serious butt buddies. The paper has been all over Ted Cruz recently, with its (alleged!) revelations that Ted Cruz likes to pick at his tiny maple syrup-stained icky dicky until it achieves "erection" and then stick it inside ladies what are not his wife. Is that true? Or is it a bunch off hoo-ha-hockey-sticks bullroar? DUNNO!

Same goes for these "revelations." Ted Cruz's dad is PRETTY GROSS, but does that make him a murderer? We like to be fair. On the one hand, he used to drink the devil semen known as alky-hol, and sometimes people do pretty wild and crazy things when they're drunk! But they usually don't kill JFK.

[wonkbar]<a href="http://wonkette.com/597420/ted-cruzs-fundie-dad-thinks-god-did-bang-up-job-writing-u-s-constitution"></a>[/wonkbar]On the OTHER hand, when Rafael Cruz The Older gave his life to Jesus, he went full-on zealot (replaced one addiction for another, AHEM!) and so maybe he did that because he feels really guilty about some sins he did. Maybe he banged the all the loose women like his son (allegedly!) did, or maybe he helped his old pal Lee Harvey Oswald take JFK out.

WAS RAFAEL CRUZ THE SECOND SHOOTER?

J/K, there is never a second shooter.

Unless there was, and it was Rafael Cruz.

Probably not.

BUT MAYBE.

Nah.

(But what if?)

Pfffffffft.

[National Enquirer / Politico / pic via Dana Houle on Tweeter]

Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.

$
Donate with CC
'Bella" by Wonkette Operative 'IdiokraticSubpoenaKommissar'

Sunday already, which means a substantial portion of US America is preparing to be astonished/heartbroken/outraged by the series finale of that show with the dragons, while another portion is just going to stay off Twitter for three days because nothing will make any sense. Yr Dok Zoom tends to come very late to trendy things, so get ready for our own thoughts on the gamy thrones show sometime in about 2023, or never. But we'd be glad to tell you just how much we enjoy the brilliance and humanity of the Cartoon Network series "Steven Universe," which debuted in 2013 and we started bingeing on the Hulu last month, late again.

Hell, we still want to talk about that one Mrs Landingham episode of "The West Wing," which we first watched years after it aired (We finally bought our new used car yesterday, and know one thing: don't drive over to the White House to show it off to President Bartlet). We might even get around to reading Infinite Jest someday. We hear it has something to do with a superhero team and a guy named Thanos. So hey, let's talk about culture and missing out and patching together some knowledge of what's happening anyway.

Keep reading... Show less
$
Donate with CC
Get Me Roger Stone

Roger Stone, his wife would like you to know, is broke. And he is not dealing with it well. Once in khaki suits, gee, he looked swell, full of that yankee-doodle-dee-dum, but now no one calls him Al anymore and he has to stand on a street corner singing "Brother Can You Spare A Dime?"

Yesterday, the conservative but also kind of Never Trumper site The Bulwark revealed the details of a grifty "fundraising" plea sent out by Stone's wife Nydia, begging supporters to give money to the Stones in order to help them keep up the lifestyle to which they have become accustomed.

It was titled "I am embarrassed to write this."

"Dear Friend," begins the missive. "My husband and I have an urgent new problem and we need your help. I told my husband I was going to write you, one of his most valued supporters. I am embarrassed to write this, but I must."

"Mrs. Roger Stone" tells a tale of woe: FBI agents swooping in on them at the crack of dawn to arrest her husband, a subsequent "fake news" feeding frenzy causing friends and fans to abandon the Stones.

"He laid off all our consultants, contractors and employees, and we have 'pulled in our belts' like so many Americans in 'tight times,'" she wrote, sounding for all the world like a plucky working-class patriot, not the wife of a man who made and lost his fortune lying in the service of power.

She should have been more embarrassed.

Keep reading... Show less
$
Donate with CC
Donate

How often would you like to donate?

Select an amount (USD)

Newsletter

©2018 by Commie Girl Industries, Inc