Donald Trump Thinks Afghanistan Is Like '80s NYC Restaurant '21.' This Is A Real Thing That Happened.

Donald Trump "know[s] more about ISIS than the generals do, believe me." All those whiners ever say is we need boots on the ground, boots on the ground. Well, Donald Trump has an Afghanistan strategy for you, Mr. Fancypants General! And it involves hiring waiters to steal all of Afghanistan's cobalt! HOOHAH!

Or something????

On July 19, Trump told his national security team that General John Nicholson, the man in charge of the war in Afghanistan, is basically just an overpaid restaurant consultant. NBC reports,

To underscore his view that the veterans who fought in the war may be better positioned to advise him on an Afghanistan strategy, Trump compared the policy review process to the renovation of a famed New York restaurant in the 1980s, officials said.

Trump told his advisers that the restaurant, Manhattan's elite '21' Club, had shut its doors for a year and hired an expensive consultant to craft a plan for a renovation. After a year, Trump said, the consultant's only suggestion was that the restaurant needed a bigger kitchen.

Officials said Trump kept stressing the idea that lousy advice cost the owner a year of lost business and that talking to the restaurant's waiters instead might have yielded a better result. He also said the tendency is to assume if someone isn't a three-star general he doesn't know what he's talking about, and that in his own experience in business talking to low-ranking workers has gotten him better outcomes.


Before you start thinking "Trump's non-plan to withdraw troops from Afghanistan sounds a-okay to us, actually!" Trump is also GRRRR SO MAD that none of the proposed war strategies include a plan to monetize Afghanistan's mineral resources for American companies. Because what even is the point of war if you can't make a profit?

Trump vented to his national security team that the veterans told him forces from the North Atlantic Treaty Organization have not been helpful, and he lamented that China is making money off of Afghanistan's estimated $1 trillion in rare minerals while American troops are fighting the war, officials said. Trump expressed frustration that his advisers tasked with figuring out how the U.S. can help American businesses get rights to those minerals were moving too slowly, one official said.

China purchased mineral rights in Afghanistan a decade ago, investment the U.S. supported at the time. Beijing has since had teams mining copper outside of Kabul.

Hey, remember that time when Donald Trump complained that we destabilized the entire Middle East and we didn't even get to keep Iraq's oil?

And while we're taking a ride in the Wayback Machine, remember when Donald Trump spent a decade tweeting insane shit about how we just needed to pack it up and declare victory already?

Why can't the generals ever bring him a strategy to win the war by bringing home all the troops? Donald Trump survived the war with VD at Studio 54! These generals need to step up to the plate here!

President Donald Trump has become increasingly frustrated with his advisers tasked with crafting a new U.S. strategy in Afghanistan and recently suggested firing the war's top military commander during a tense meeting at the White House, according to senior administration officials.

During the July 19 meeting, Trump repeatedly suggested that Defense Secretary James Mattis and Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff Gen. Joseph Dunford replace Gen. John Nicholson, the commander of U.S. forces in Afghanistan, because he is not winning the war, the officials said.

And being Trumpland, the whole thing is bogged down in petty, bullshit palace intrigue. Because the country is being run by a bunch of tiny men who think they're still at summer camp staging the awesomest Color Wars EVER. These civilian fuckwits probably shortsheet each other's hotel beds at the G20.

So, Bannon hates McMaster. And McMaster fired Ezra Cohen-Watnick. And Kushner plays the field. And Bannon's Breitbart buddies gossip about McMaster's personal life and spread rumors that Trump is going to send him back to Afghanistan. And Kelly is trying to get between Trump and his real friends. And ohmahgawd Becky, did you see that bitch unfollowed me on Instagram!

Your 5$F is pretty certain that nothing and no one is going to turn Afghanistan into a functioning country any time soon. The best we can hope for is to contain the leakier forms of Islamic Extremism in hopes that NOT AMERICA stays at a mild simmer and doesn't boil over and affect us here in THE LAND OF THE FREE™️. Which is shitty and awful, and we don't feel good about it.

But for the sake of the 8,400 troops currently deployed to Afghanistan, we hope like hell the President can buckle down already and pick a goddamn strategy. Maybe the one proposed by the actual generals? Because in point of fact, they really do know more than you, Donald Trump.

[NBC / CNN / Politico]

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Liz Dye

Liz Dye lives in Baltimore with her wonderful husband and a houseful of teenagers. When she isn't being mad about a thing on the internet, she's hiding in plain sight in the carpool line. She's the one wearing yoga pants glaring at her phone.


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