Donald Trump To Bomb The Sh*t Out Of RNC For Hurting His Feelings
Guess the RNC didn't read "The Art Of The Deal."
[contextly_sidebar id="FQYje5KQZNkwXulv2uOReNBXVec0Spy6"]Does anyone remember the olden days when we were all young, virginal and innocent, and no Serious Pundit in the world actually believed Donald Trump could get the GOP nomination for president? Awwww, nostalgia! Trump kept threatening to run for president as a third-party candidate, because the RNC was being mean to him by not taking him seriously, but finally he signed a pledge that said OK FINE TERRIFIC YOOGE, I, Donald J. The Trump, promise I will support whatever nominee the Republican Party picks, even if it is not me.
But now Trump says the RNC violated its part of the pledge, because it allegedly gave a bunch of tickets to Saturday night's debate to people who don't 100 percent believe Donald Trump is the only candidate who can Make America Great Again:
The pledge isn't being honored by the RNC. Because those tickets were all special-interest people. And I know them! I'm looking in the audience: Some of them are friends of mine and yet they're booing me because they're having fun. The guy's booing me and he's laughing and he's waving and he's going, "Boo, boo." And he's waving at me. I'm saying, "This is crazy!" But I know many of those people: lobbyists and special interests.
Awwww, poor baby got booed! The RNC, for the record, says Trump is full of shit.
Here, again, was the pledge Trump signed:
“I [name] affirm that if I do not win the 2016 Republican nomination for president of the United States I will endorse the 2016 Republican presidential nominee regardless of who it is. I further pledge that I will not seek to run as an independent or write-in candidate nor will I seek or accept the nomination for president of any other party.”
That's the whole thing. Did you miss the part about how the RNC also pledged to throw Trump's legs in the air five times a day in the direction of Atlantic City and toss his gold-plated salad? It's in there, you just don't have an IQ as high as Trump's, so you can't see it.
If you are very confused as to what Trump means when he says the RNC did a double-headed pledge to eat his ass a whole lot, let us take you back to what Trump said just a few weeks before he signed on the dotted line:
Pressed on whether he would run as a third-party candidate if he fails to clinch the GOP nomination, Trump said that “so many people want me to, if I don’t win.”
“I’ll have to see how I’m being treated by the Republicans,” Trump said. “Absolutely, if they’re not fair, that would be a factor.”
And now Trump says the RNC is being unfair by allowing people to be mean to him at debates, so BING BONG, pledge over! And if you're all confused about how that shouldn't actually matter, because the actual thing Trump signed doesn't actually include the language about the RNC doing sexual favors for Trump, you need to shut your mouth and ask yourself whether you wrote The Art Of The Deal. Well did you?! We thought not. Donald Trump did though. It is the greatest book of all time, if you don't count the Bible.
[contextly_sidebar id="W77v4zDQqRIzOgjbJSggYI0OTAdTaai9"]So ... RUH ROH SPAGHETTI-O! Now Trump is going to have to run as an independent when the RNC crowns Marco Rubio or John Kasich or Jeb! as its chosen child prince, which will add hilarious chaos to the race, allowing Hillary Clinton to lollygag into the Oval Office at her leisure, fanning herself with a binder full of classified emails about Benghazi and "The Good Wife" and 50 Tricks Guaranteed To Drive Huma Wild In Bed, not that we're suggesting that was the plan all along.
OR WAS IT?
Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.
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