Donald Trump Tosses Hamberders, Lies At East Palestine Residents' Heads, Crisis Over
Trump buys firefighters and others McDonalds as a grateful nation tearfully thanks him. Screenshot, WKYC on YouTube

Donald Trump made a campaign stop in East Palestine, Ohio, yesterday so he could pretend to make everything better there, bringing along a couple pallets of bottled water from his cheesy resorts and lying that his visit was the only reason the Biden administration is "finally" helping the community.

In mere reality, federal agencies have been in the small town on the border between Pennsylvania and Ohio since right after the February 3 derailment of a Norfolk Southern freight train resulted in a huge spill of toxic chemicals. President Joe Biden has been in regular contact with Gov. Mike DeWine, and EPA Administrator Michael Regan visited East Palestine last week.

During a 10-minute speech in the town's firehouse, Trump lied to the small crowd, claiming, "They were intending to do absolutely nothing for you." Trump also

bragged about having a strong working relationship with the Federal Emergency Management Agency, noting that it initially had not planned to assist relief efforts. Trump claimed, without evidence, that the Biden administration only directed more resources because he announced that he would visit East Palestine.

"They changed their tune," Trump said. "It was an amazing phenomenon."

DeWine said last Friday that FEMA turned down his request for assistance because the agency is "most typically involved with disasters where there is tremendous home or property damage" following natural disasters. A few hours later, however, FEMA announced it would send a Regional Incident Management Assistance Team to the area, which arrived on Saturday. The team will "support ongoing operations, including incident coordination and ongoing assessments of potential long-term recovery needs," according to FEMA's announcement.

The agency probably didn't mention that it was all Donald Trump's doing because it's jealous of how much better he is at throwing paper towels to disaster victims than it is.

On Monday, the EPA ordered Norfolk Southern to take full responsibility for cleaning up the toxic mess, warning that if the railroad slacks off, the EPA will do the cleanup and charge the company triple the cost.

Trump also made a few other brief stops in the town, accompanied by Sen. JD Vance (R-Ohio) and East Palestine Mayor Trent Conaway. He drove around in a motorcade so he could pretend to be president still, and during his visit, he posed for a photo next to a pallet of Trump-labeled water that's normally sold at his trash resorts. He claimed he was "bringing thousands of bottles of water—Trump Water, actually. Most of it. Some of it, we had to go to a much lesser quality water. You want to get those Trump bottles, I think, more than anybody else."

He also rolled up to the town's McDonald's, where he made a show of ordering food for first responders and everyone in the restaurant, so his idiot sycophants could post fawning tweets about how Trump had done far more for the people of East Palestine than Joe Biden, who didn't buy anyone any fast food at all. Professional rightwing trolls Brigitte Gabriel and Nick Adams both enthused that Trump water is in fact the very best water known to humanity, because even if it's bottled by some generic company that slaps a Trump label on it, that makes it the best. We're absolutely sure the McDonald's food in East Palestine also tasted better than at any other franchise in America, at least for the five minutes Trump was there.

In a pathetic attempt to diminish the miracle of water and fast food, White House spokesperson Andrew Bates pointed out that, at the urging of railroad lobbyists, Trump had rolled back Obama-era regulations requiring faster electronic braking systems on some trains carrying hazardous liquids. Bates said in a statement, "Congressional Republicans laid the groundwork for the Trump administration to tear up requirements for more effective train brakes, and last year most House Republicans wanted to defund our ability to protect drinking water."

The New York Times, not worrying too much about technical matters, notes that a "person close to Mr. Trump countered that federal officials said the cause appeared to be an axle, not a brake issue, and the repealed brake-related regulation had no bearing on the crash."

This is where we point out, again, that if the train that crashed had had an electronic braking system, it may not have derailed at all, because the train's old-fashioned air braking system applies brakes from one car to another as the air pressure changes, which causes cars at the end of the train to bump into those slowing ahead of them. Electronic brakes apply evenly to all cars at the same time, so that even if a car derails due to an axle or wheel bearing problem, there's less likelihood of a pile-up of multiple cars following the derailment.

That said, the Obama regulation had been watered down by lobbying so that it didn't apply to all trains, so it is indeed possible the Norfolk Southern freight might not have had electronic brakes. (Or maybe it would have, since the regulation might have led to wider adoption of the systems industry-wide.)

In any case, now that Trump has graced East Palestine with his presence, everything will just naturally be fine. Transportation Secretary Mayor Pete Buttigieg will visit the town today, no doubt because Trump made him do it, and the cleanup is continuing. But we bet Buttigieg won't be anywhere near as wonderful as Trump, who, in typical bizarre fashion, told folks in East Palestine to "have a good time."

You know, just like he did to the Puerto Rico hurricane victims. And after Hurricane Florence.And Hurricane Harvey. It's just one of those mangled ways he speaks.

[NBC News / AP / Newsweek / NYT]

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Doktor Zoom

Doktor Zoom's real name is Marty Kelley, and he lives in the wilds of Boise, Idaho. He is not a medical doctor, but does have a real PhD in Rhetoric. You should definitely donate some money to this little mommyblog where he has finally found acceptance and cat pictures. He is on maternity leave until 2033. Here is his Twitter, also. His quest to avoid prolixity is not going so great.


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