Donald Trump Wants Iowa To Put Ted Cruz IN JAIL

The way we were.

[contextly_sidebar id="oDzwdAFXFbtBf1EsMV81RATinttXRT9t"]Hooray, the real Donald Trump is back! We were worried Tuesday when it seemed like maybe he had been sedated after his SECOND PLACE IS FIRST LOSER finish in the Iowa Caucuses. He was tweeting all this lovey-dovey shit about how Iowa was a great experience, the cows were very nice, and oh by the way, he is so terrific and Iowa voters are dumb for not seeing that.

But now he's back in full form, and his vulgarian short fingers are tap-tap-tapping away on the Twitter machine about how Canadian Ted Cruz Canadian-ly stole the Iowa caucus, not only from him, but also from that poor Ben Carson. Ready for Wonkette to annotate a Trump Tweet Storm for you?

[contextly_sidebar id="Gk6fh6QL72chMp417BRSzPyPrlphiB6w"]BAD TED CRUZ! And who knows, maybe he DID stoled Iowa. That's the trouble when every character in a story is such A FUCKING FUCK, you don't know who to believe. Here's the fun part, though: According to the Washington Post, that tweet originally said, "he stole it illegally," but that part has now been deleted. Wonder what Trump might have meant by illegally. That, kids, is what's known as a dogwhistle. Or, in this case, a Canadian Maple Leaf Hockey Puck Poutine Whistle, because did you guys hear Cruz is such a gross Cuban-Canadian he might not be eligible to be president of America? Donald Trump's heard rumors.

Now, Act Two:

[contextly_sidebar id="iD8InQ4NKpOq9vabd2EDjLZeVYezUVZy"]Donald J. Trump likes to stand up for the little guy, as long as it benefits Donald J. Trump in some way. And it's true, there were reports that the Cruz campaign DID at least insinuate that Ben Carson might be dropping out of the race. The truth -- not that Carson isn't dropping out REAL SOON, because he really should -- is that Ben Carson hadn't changed underpants in like a million days and needed to go home and get a fresh pair of man panties, or something along those lines. He wasn't leaving the race, he was just taking a pit stop in Florida is all. Also, too, maybe Dr. Ben Carson the brain surgeon is one of those people who can't poop unless he's at his own house, which would explain a lot of his debate facial expressions:

Donald Trump Tweets The Next:

[contextly_sidebar id="FidLlQ57uOwBNtyjklbm5wLQEvfM9zlv"]Those mailers WERE gross, and they were lies and also damned lies. Not sure if they rise to the level of "fraud," but keep doing your dance, Trump.

Finally, here is the yoogest fraud Ted Cruz did to Donald Trump, and it was when he libeled him by saying he was gay for Obamacare and abortion:

[contextly_sidebar id="cp0xcCAtiMMwBB1CKNPufSkkhjAlTNrT"]FACTCHECKERS, PLEASE! Donald Trump USED to love single-payer healthcare, which is, science fact, not what Obamacare is. Now he wants to repeal and replace Obamacare with something terrific, not that he knows what it is. He just wants to make a really "smart deal" with the hospitals, like he did on TV's "The Apprentice."

As to abortion, uh, well, Donald Trump supports SOME parts of Planned Parenthood, except for when he doesn't, but he definitely cherishes women, especially his hot daughter Ivanka, so he thinks healthcare for women should be a top priority, but he was totally pro-choice in 1999, back when he also believed in universal healthcare, but Sarah Palin says Donald Trump has "evolved" into a ladyparts-hating enemy of Planned Parenthood, THE SAME WAY JUSTIN BIEBER DID, so Q.E.D., motherfuckers, Make America Great Again.

Any of that last paragraph make sense to you? Us either. Anyway, Fuck You, Ted Cruz is the point:

And now we, and Donald Trump, are exhausted.

So is Donald Trump just trollin' and hatin' because he, like everybody else on earth and in heaven, hates Ted Cruz? You bet. Does he actually have some valid points? Sorta kinda! Are we just real glad Donald Trump is feeling like his normal Tweeter-Drunk self? FUCK YES. Election season is so fun!

[Donald Trump's yoooge Twitter / Washington Post]

Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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