Donald Trump Warns Pope Francis About ISIS Monsters Under His Bed

Pope Francis is heading to America soon, whereupon he'll do that thing where he kisses the little Catholic babies and says "Death to America," or at least that's how it sounds to Republicans, who don't like how he says "climate change exists" and "fracking is a bad thing" and "gays are evil but not that evil I guess."  Donald Trump especially doesn't like it when New Pope does that commie talk about how maybe unfettered capitalism isn't what Makes America Great Again, so Trump is going to have to threaten him with the thing that (maybe?) scares him the most, which is how ISIS is GONNA GET HIM AND SAY "BOO!" New Pope will be so scared he will soil his pope hat, with pee!

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Here's what Trump told CNN's Chris Cuomo, about giving the pope a fright:

Well, I'm Protestant, but I have great respect for the pope.

Trump is a terrific Protestant. Donald Trump brand Jesus Crackers are the tastiest body of Christ you'll find. All the other Jesus Crackers are weak and tasteless. (True fact.)

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Anyway, Trump says New Pope is a "pretty good guy," but what if Francis is saying funny language talk through a translator about evil capitalism, and what if he is shaking his finger at Donald Trump? (This is really what Cuomo asked.)

I'd say ISIS wants to get you. You know that ISIS wants to go in and take over the Vatican, you have heard that, you know that's a dream of theirs, to go into Italy, you do know that.

Cuomo makes a face like "What the fuck?" and Trump actually word-for-word says to him, "I'm gonna have to scare the pope, because there's only one ... you know, I hope the pope can only be scared by God."

Oh good. Trump is only going to TRY to scare the pope, as some sort of test, to see if he runs back to Italy to cry a lot, and if he does that, he's a weak pope and Donald Trump should be New Pope. You think the Vatican is encrusted in gold NOW? Just wait until you see the Trump Vatican, it'll be terrific and luxurious and Jesus will be so impressed, he'll give Trump eternal life so he can be pope forever. You'll see.






Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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