Rightwing humor at its edgiest

Here's a terrific development: Everyone in the reality-based community knows that there's no way three to five million people could have illegally voted in the 2016 election without leaving a huge amount of evidence, and there's no evidence that anything of the sort happened. But Mad Donald Trump believes it really really happened, which is the only reason he didn't win the popular vote, so reporters, doing their jobs, kept asking White House press secretary Sean Spicer Tuesday why the President of the United States believes pure nonsense. Spicer was reduced to endlessly saying Trump believes it because he believes it, and it its his belief that the belief is true, because he has read things that make him believe it. What things? Things he believes.

So NPR's Mara Liasson finally asked the perfectly logical question about this supposedly enormous scandal: If the president is convinced as many as 5 million people voted illegally, even though all those Republican secretaries of state insist nothing of the sort happened, then shouldn't we be really worried about such vast fraud that happened without anyone actually noticing it? Why isn't there an investigation of such a huge scandal? Spicer pretty much threw up his hands and said "Maybe we will." A few minutes later, NBC's Kristen Welker asked him when we'd know more about this investigation Spicer pulled out of his ass, and Spicer said, well, look, that's just a hypothetical investigation, but yeah, I've answered the question, so let's move on, OK?

Obviously, this got the strange machinery inside the president's head turning, so as of this morning, voila! There will be an investigation into the massive voter fraud that definitely happened, by gosh, and then we'll make voting harder once we find two or three hinky ballots in Chicken Sack, Arkansas:

So the president who doesn't believe it's even remotely possible Russian hacking of his political opponents might have influenced the election -- even after the intelligence community said, Oh, yeah, the Russians totally fed oppo research to Wikileaks -- now wants to investigate a vast vote fraud conspiracy that Republican secretaries of state don't see any evidence for, because losing the popular vote hurt Trump's feelings. Not long after Trump announced this very important investigation of a thing that didn't happen, the Republican Secretary of State of Ohio, Jon Husted -- a perfect bastard when it comes to letting qualified voters vote -- took to the Twitter himself to reassure everyone that Ohio had already un-frauded all its voting:

So here we are in the first week of the Trump presidency, and his top priorities are pouting about how more people came to his inauguration than to protest it, silencing government agencies, pissing off the CIA, and now chasing after five million invisible Mexican vote frauders. And while Trump's distracted, the Republicans in Congress will destroy the ACA and privatize Medicare, which Trump will sign without really thinking about it, because he'll be focused on yelling at some reporters.

[WaPo / NYT]

Doktor Zoom

Doktor Zoom's real name is Marty Kelley, and he lives in the wilds of Boise, Idaho. He is not a medical doctor, but does have a real PhD in Rhetoric. You should definitely donate some money to this little mommyblog where he has finally found acceptance and cat pictures. He is on maternity leave until 2033. Here is his Twitter, also. His quest to avoid prolixity is not going so great.

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We know, the thing we said in our headline is a thing you can say every day, but it's really intense today, maybe because Donald Trump is now filled with fear of the inescapable reality that millions of Americans who have not read the Mueller Report are going to see Robert Mueller testify on live TV on July 17, and Donald Trump will be exposed. Maybe the Big Mac vending machine next to his golden toilet is on the fritz and he hasn't had gotten to eat a Big Mac on the poop chair since last night. Maybe he's just a weak and sad person, a collection of shithole cells God meant to throw in the garbage, but accidentally implanted in Mary Trump's turkey incubator. We imagine that'd lead to a pretty constant state of anxiety and ennui.

Whatever it is, he's totally fucked right now. We were going to write a nice post about Trump's batshit interview on Fox Business with Maria Bartiromo, but we were busy, and by the time we got to it, he had performed so many batshit feats that we're just going to stick them all in this one post.

Let's start with the fight he's trying to wage with US soccer star Megan Rapinoe, who in a now-viral video stated that she has no fuckin' interest in going to the White House to meet that idiot. He got into a quarrel with her on Twitter ... or at least with a Twitter account that didn't belong to her. It's now been replaced, in order that the adult president may shit-tweet at the soccer superstar who hurt his feelings, but Splinter grabbed the original:

The rant continued:

Right. And Megan Rapinoe just said win or lose, she has no interest in meeting your crusty ass, because no decent American would consider that an honor.

Besides, she has already been to the White House to meet a legitimately elected president:

By the by, the owner of the incorrect Megan Rapinoe account saw Trump's whining and told him to grow a dick and set it on fire:

Ya burnt!

But as we said, it was a whole day of batshit from Trump, so let's continue.

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Screenshot NRATV

DING DONG THE WITCH IS ... quite likely to land on her feet. But for today, the New York Times reports Dana Loesch is out of a job, the latest casualty in the war between the NRA and its longtime advertising company Ackerman McQueen. But every cloud has a silver bullet lining, since Dana will have more free time now to spend on her favorite hobby. We can't wait to see which cartoon character she photoshops Klan hoods onto next. Maybe she'll branch out and start putting Nazi armbands onto Buzz Lightyear. Oh, we would be so triggered!

As one of the most visible characters on NRATV with literal hundreds of viewers for each of her fascist rants, Dana Loesch was a tireless advocate for the gunhumpers lobby, always ready to call out "tragedy dry-humping whores," threatening to "fist" or perhaps "fisk" the New York Times, and expressing her hope that the Mueller Report would die in an "AIDS fire."

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