Trump's Best Boy Lindsey Graham Cooks Up WITCH HUNTS On Demand
Hooray! Donald Trump has been howling about WITCH HUNT for three years now, and he's finally getting his wish. Trump's best pilot fish pal Lindsey Graham is about to 'vestigate the 'vestigators and prove that Donald Trump was framed by those damn, dirty DEEP STATE Obama people.
"Anybody that was told about the unreliability of the dossier and continued to use it, they're good candidates to go to jail or lose their job," Graham huffed to the Post. "Somebody needs to be held accountable for what happened here, and we're going to be in the accountability business."
His Judiciaryness was in high dander this morning after ramming through 50 subpoenas for former Obama administration officials involved the the Russia investigation. Because if he hauls in Sally Yates and James Comey and yells at them, he can prove that the Trump campaign's many connections to the very same Russians who were hacking our elections — including Don Jr.'s infamous Trump Tower meeting with a Kremlin lawyer promising sexxxxy Hillary dirt courtesy of the Russian government — was not a fit subject for investigation.
"I think we need to look long and hard at how the Mueller investigation got off the rails," Graham promised, ignoring the fact that many of the people he just subpoenaed were long gone before Mueller was even appointed Special Counsel.
How very dare those agents follow up on reports from the Australian and Greek governments that the dumbest little coffee boy in all the land George Papadopoulos had drunkbabbled about the Russians hacking Clinton campaign emails! Whose business is it if the Trump campaign hired Carter Page, a guy whom the Russian government had tried to recruit but abandoned the plan because NYET, TOO STUPID! Is it a crime to lie about ongoing negotiations to build a Trump Tower in Moscow and give Vladimir Putin a penthouse while the Russian government is flooding social media with propaganda to help your presidential campaign? If Michael Flynn wants to have secret conversations with the Russian ambassador undermining US policy and then lie about it to the media making him ripe for blackmail, why should the FBI care? And if Jared Kushner is talking to sanctioned Russian banks about all the cool deals they'd like to put through, deals which can only happen if US sanctions are lifted, how is that an issue?
On second thought, there might be one or two tiny flaws in Lindsey Graham's great plan since the truth is not Donald Trump's friend here. (And Donald Trump is certainly no friend to the truth.) Because, despite blocking Democrats' requests to subpoena Papadopoulos, Kushner, Flynn, Michael Cohen, Roger Stone, Jerome Corsi, Jeff Sessions, Paul Manafort and anyone else who might make testify firsthand to the Trump campaign's guilty fuckery, the witnesses he's lined up are unlikely to just sit there and take Republicans' shit.
We understand the impetus to spare his own side the trouble of lying to Congress about all their hinky shit — or, as in the case of Roger Stone and Michael Cohen, lying some more — especially since it looks like Daddy Trump won't be around to pardon them next year if shit goes sideways. But if Lindsey Graham thinks Susan Rice isn't going to tell him exactly how dangerous it was for Michael Flynn to be sexting the Russian Ambassador, he's got another think coming. The GOP has already thoroughly discredited this exercise by scheduling the hearings to boost Trump's flagging campaign and refusing any Democratic input. But the odds of Marsha Blackburn staring down Sally Yates and coming out the victor are slim to none.
Nevertheless, he persisted.
"It is clear to me I have to do this this way if I want to get to the bottom of what happened," Graham told Democrats as he denied their request to issue any subpoenas of their own. "I promise you, you will have your say in an appropriate fashion. . . . But you're trying to stop me from doing something I think the country needs to do. And I'm not going to be stopped."
Kewl. Well, happy summer witch hunting. Y'all couldn't get anyone to watch you beat up Rod Rosenstein last week, but we'd probably tune in to see Samantha Power break her heel off inside Ted Cruz's ass.
Bring it, bitch.
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Liz Dye lives in Baltimore with her wonderful husband and a houseful of teenagers. When she isn't being mad about a thing on the internet, she's hiding in plain sight in the carpool line. She's the one wearing yoga pants glaring at her phone.