Donald Trump Will Put You In A Certified Preowned COVID Cure For $99.95
Good news, everyone! Donald Trump is still technically alive. The president took a break from tweeting in isolation like a crazy person and addressed the nation publicly like a crazy person. He released the following video Wednesday afternoon, and it's a doozy.
Yeah, he's still contagious, and he's still not wearing a mask. He doesn't want to hide that glossy finish on his face.
TRUMP: Hi, perhaps you recognize me. It's your favorite president!
He's back, and he's got jokes! (He's not in fact our favorite president.)
TRUMP: I'm standing in front of the Oval Office at the White House.
Patient's command of the obvious remains unimpaired. Let's proceed.
TRUMP: I got back a day ago from Walter Reed Medical Center. I spent four days there. Didn't have to. I could have stayed at the White House, but the doctors said, "Because you're president, let's do it." I said, "Fine. You tell me what to do, and I'm gonna listen."
According to the Washington Post, Trump was convinced to leave for the hospital while he could still walk to the Marine One helicopter on his own. He whined the entire time he was there, and his Secret Service-endangering trip around the block was probably to keep him from pouting some more. No one's confirmed if he received ice cream afterward.
He thanked his doctors and the doctors across the country treating COVID-19. He also gave a shout out to cops and firefighters, because doctors can never get a moment to shine by themselves. They're like the nation's Jan Brady.
Then the infomercial began.
TRUMP: I went in. I wasn't feeling so hot. And within a very short period of time, they gave me Regeneron. It's called Regeneron. And other things too, but I think this was the key. REGENERON. It was like unbelievable. I felt good immediately. I felt as good three days ago as I do now! So, I just want to say we have Regeneron. We have a very similar drug from Eli Lilly and they're coming out and we're trying to get them on an emergency basis. We've authorized it. I've authorized it. If you're in the hospital and you're feeling really bad, I think we're going to work it so that you get them and you're going to get them free, and especially if you're a senior, we're going to get you in there quick. We have hundreds of thousands of doses that are just about ready.
Some quick background: Trump is friendly with Regeneron CEO Dr. Leonard Schleifer, who's a member of one of Trump's
money-laundering operations golf clubs in Westchester, New York. Regeneron also benefitted from $450 million in government funding in July. This was part of Trump's "Operation Warp Speed" plan to whip out a vaccine or miracle cure in time for the election.
Also, Regeneron is not a drug or even the leader of the Decepticons. That's the name of the company. This isn't an overly pedantic point like how Frankenstein is technically the scientist not his creation. This is serious medicine we're talking about.
Regeneron's monoclonal antibody treatment isn't cleared yet for the general public, but Trump's doctors filed a “compassionate use" request. That's normally granted for "immediately life-threatening" illnesses, which are usually more severe than “I wasn't feeling so hot." Now, just three days later, the president is fast-tracking an experimental treatment. We don't even fully know what the side effects are. The drug might've caused permanent brain damage. It's not like we could tell the difference.
TRUMP: I have emergency use authorization, all set, and we got to get it signed now, and you're going to get better. You're going to get better, really fast.
He's really been busy while possibly gravely ill. Those blank papers are magic!
TRUMP: Then in addition to that, you have various other drugs that help a lot. But I view these, I know they call them therapeutic, but to me it wasn't therapeutic, it just made me better. I call that a cure.
Trump claims getting his miracle cure to the American public is "much more important to me than the vaccine." He also claims that drug companies are still working hard on a vaccine and we'd have one before the election if it wasn't for the politicians and their “games." But even if the vaccine arrives after the election, no one else but him could've pulled off such a feat. By the way, Trump was treated with the powerful steroid dexamethasone, which can produce such side effects as “psychic derangements" and "frank psychotic manifestations." (And that's just what they tell you on the label.)
The president continued pushing the specific treatments he received and insisted on calling them “cures." Trump still has COVID-19.
TRUMP: Some people don't know how to define therapeutic. I view it different. It's a cure. For me, I walked in, I didn't feel good. A short 24 hours later, I was feeling great, I wanted to get out of the hospital and that's what I want for everybody. I want everybody to be given the same treatment as your president because I feel great. I feel like perfect.
Trump continued his descent into madness when he said contracting the coronavirus was "a blessing from God." COVID Moses revealed it was “his suggestion" to take Regeneron, which I repeat is not the name of a drug. If true, this implies his doctors are quacks because doctors don't usually consult fever-ridden patients on their course of treatment. Where was Melania Trump during all of this? She tested positive, as well, but reportedly her symptoms weren't as severe because she's not 74 years old and 90 percent McDonald's byproducts. Let's just say if Melania approved the use of an experimental drug treatment on her husband, I'm not overly enthusiastic about my actual loved ones ever taking it.
After blaming China for his incompetent COVID-19 response, the president kept promising that he's going to get us Regeneron (not an actual drug) “for free" and he'll make sure it's available at a hospital near you.
The New York Times was less bullish:
Monoclonal antibodies like the ones that Regeneron is developing are difficult and expensive to manufacture, and some have raised questions about whether the companies will be able to make enough to meet global demand if they are proven to work.
Everything Trump said was bonkers and potentially homicidal. He's going to get (more) people killed. Earlier this week, Vanity Fair reported that Donald Trump Jr. thought his father was acting nuts and wanted to stage an intervention. He should've acted sooner, when Trump was just high on drugs and not actively pushing them.
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Stephen Robinson is a writer and social kibbitzer based in Portland, Oregon. He's on the board of the Portland Playhouse theater and writes for the immersive theater Cafe Nordo in Seattle. Tickets are on sale now for his latest Nordo collaboration, "Curiouser and Curiouser," an adaptation of "Alice's Adventures in Wonderland" and "Through the Looking Glass." It promises to feel like an actual evening with SER (for good or for ill).