Donald Trump's Great Sacrifice Was Dumping His Wives For Younger Women, Says Idiot

When Khizr Khan, a man who had lost his son in the Iraq war, criticized Donald Trump for not having truly sacrificed anything, Trump snapped back, saying that he had indeed made a lot of sacrifices -- sacrifices like hiring "thousands and thousands of people," which he kind of had to do if he wanted to have a fancy business anyway! Then, he proceeded to go to a children's cancer ward and tell them all the harrowing story of the really bad cold he had last week. After that, it was straight to a homeless shelter to complain about how hard it is to find good help these days, and then to a leper colony to whine about a paper cut.

Naturally, everyone laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed at the idea of Donald Trump comparing his "sacrifice" to the sacrifice the Khans had made.

However, according to his surrogate Scottie Nell Hughes, Trump totally never meant to suggest that he has sacrificed as much as the Khans had, even though he totally did, and that this is just the "spin" of "the media." However! She continued to insist that he had so made great sacrifices. Like how it forced him to do adultery to Ivana with Marla, and then get tired of Marla or whatever and eventually marry Melania!

“You know what, creating jobs caused him to be at work, which cost him two marriages. Time away from his family to sit there and invest.”

AW! He's just like Newt Gingrich, who loved America so much it made him do adultery to his wives! Wow, what a selfless pair of individuals! Not at all like that jerk Paul Newman!

You know, it's weird, because usually when people talk of sacrifice, they talk of sacrificing for their families. You know, like those immigrants Donald Trump hates so much who risk their lives to come over here to work meager jobs and then send half of that money back to their families (which, let's be honest, almost none of those of us raised in relatively nice circumstances in the U.S. could even fathom doing)? Not, you know, sacrificing their families in order to get super rich or have a hotter, younger wife!

But hey, when you have golden toilet seats, every normal toilet seat looks like this:

Generally speaking, of course, rich people -- particularly those rich people who have literally never known anything but being a rich person -- do have somewhat skewed ideas of what a "sacrifice" or a "problem" is:

ANECDOTE: Back in my shopgirl days I spent over an hour consoling a sobbing rich socialite lady whose friend had gotten the Birkin bag (a purse that costs like $10,000 - $150,000) she wanted. At that time I was making $13 an hour plus commission. She did not buy anything, or appear to have any awareness at all of the fact that it's maybe weird and possibly insensitive to complain about that kind of thing to a not-rich person. I have thought of this woman continually throughout this election, whenever I have been surprised at anything that has come out of Donald Trump's mouth.

However, should Trump become President, we're going to have to start reworking the way we think of "problems and "sacrifices." Perhaps we can redo some Frank Capra movies or Horatio Alger stories in order to make heroes out of miserly rich white guys who were born into money or something, so that we peasants can finally have some empathy for men like Donald Trump.



Robyn Pennacchia

Robyn Pennacchia is a brilliant, fabulously talented and visually stunning angel of a human being, who shrugged off what she is pretty sure would have been a Tony Award-winning career in musical theater in order to write about stuff on the internet. Follow her on Twitter at @RobynElyse


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