Donald Trump's Great Sacrifice Was Dumping His Wives For Younger Women, Says Idiot


When Khizr Khan, a man who had lost his son in the Iraq war, criticized Donald Trump for not having truly sacrificed anything, Trump snapped back, saying that he had indeed made a lot of sacrifices -- sacrifices like hiring "thousands and thousands of people," which he kind of had to do if he wanted to have a fancy business anyway! Then, he proceeded to go to a children's cancer ward and tell them all the harrowing story of the really bad cold he had last week. After that, it was straight to a homeless shelter to complain about how hard it is to find good help these days, and then to a leper colony to whine about a paper cut.

Naturally, everyone laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed at the idea of Donald Trump comparing his "sacrifice" to the sacrifice the Khans had made.

However, according to his surrogate Scottie Nell Hughes, Trump totally never meant to suggest that he has sacrificed as much as the Khans had, even though he totally did, and that this is just the "spin" of "the media." However! She continued to insist that he had so made great sacrifices. Like how it forced him to do adultery to Ivana with Marla, and then get tired of Marla or whatever and eventually marry Melania!

“You know what, creating jobs caused him to be at work, which cost him two marriages. Time away from his family to sit there and invest.”

AW! He's just like Newt Gingrich, who loved America so much it made him do adultery to his wives! Wow, what a selfless pair of individuals! Not at all like that jerk Paul Newman!

You know, it's weird, because usually when people talk of sacrifice, they talk of sacrificing for their families. You know, like those immigrants Donald Trump hates so much who risk their lives to come over here to work meager jobs and then send half of that money back to their families (which, let's be honest, almost none of those of us raised in relatively nice circumstances in the U.S. could even fathom doing)? Not, you know, sacrificing their families in order to get super rich or have a hotter, younger wife!

But hey, when you have golden toilet seats, every normal toilet seat looks like this:

Generally speaking, of course, rich people -- particularly those rich people who have literally never known anything but being a rich person -- do have somewhat skewed ideas of what a "sacrifice" or a "problem" is:

ANECDOTE: Back in my shopgirl days I spent over an hour consoling a sobbing rich socialite lady whose friend had gotten the Birkin bag (a purse that costs like $10,000 - $150,000) she wanted. At that time I was making $13 an hour plus commission. She did not buy anything, or appear to have any awareness at all of the fact that it's maybe weird and possibly insensitive to complain about that kind of thing to a not-rich person. I have thought of this woman continually throughout this election, whenever I have been surprised at anything that has come out of Donald Trump's mouth.

However, should Trump become President, we're going to have to start reworking the way we think of "problems and "sacrifices." Perhaps we can redo some Frank Capra movies or Horatio Alger stories in order to make heroes out of miserly rich white guys who were born into money or something, so that we peasants can finally have some empathy for men like Donald Trump.



Robyn Pennacchia

Robyn Pennacchia is a brilliant, fabulously talented and visually stunning angel of a human being, who shrugged off what she is pretty sure would have been a Tony Award-winning career in musical theater in order to write about stuff on the internet. Previously, she was a Senior Staff Writer at Death & Taxes, and Assistant Editor at The Frisky (RIP). Currently, she writes for Wonkette, Friendly Atheist, Quartz and other sites. Follow her on Twitter at @RobynElyse

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Guys, it's been one more shit day in a shit week in the fifth shit month of another shit Trump year. Which is why I need to remind you that it's not ALL shit out there! Oh, sure, it's MOSTLY shit, but you know what isn't shit? YR WONKETTE, and the strange community of strange internet people who have made getting through all this shit a bit more tolerable, that's who and what. Which is why you should give us money, so we can keep whanging away at the walls of shit with our shovels and laughing at the shit getting all over, because one of these days we will get it all cleaned up or at least not be up to our waists in shit, and we can all laugh about what a crazy fight it was, as St. Molly Ivins always kept reminding us.

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In less than a year, Rebecca asked you all to buy me to be your very own pet blogger, and my life suddenly became incredibly good, like as good as an Abba song. It's as good as "Dancing Queen." Thanks to the timing of the whole thing (and to Barry Obama and Nancy Pelosi), I actually had health insurance for the first time in years, a not inconsiderable thing. And you had an Editrix who was not working 12 hour days six and a half days a week and drinking too much from stress. Your continued donations helped hire Evan full time and Robyn and Bianca part time and a whole raft of freelancers, and now Rebecca is down to eight-hour days, five and a half days a week, and drinking because there's a madman in the White House and everything's terrible.

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There is a very normal article circulating on the internet right now by a fella named Don Boys (that's not the joke, the jokes are coming), who is both an insane batshit preacher, and also an insane batshit former member of the Indiana House of Representatives. (Also sometimes he blogs at the Daily Caller about how Mike Pence really went balls deep into the gay agenda when he swore in that insane batshit gay guy Rick Grenell as America's ambassador to Germany.)

This article, of course, is about Pete Buttigieg, because what are anti-gay buffoons obsessed with right now? Pete Buttigieg. Boys (still his name) is primarily concerned not with the simple fact that Buttigieg is gay, but with how gay Buttigieg really is. IN THE SEX WAY!

Well, Don, since you asked!

Shall we dive into this thing without the proper prophylactics? We shall.

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