TRUMP IMPEACH FAKE DISHWASHER BAD MERRY CHRISTMAS OK ALL FINISHED BYE
Donald Trump went to Battle Creek, Michigan, Wednesday night, holding one of his great big slob Nuremberg rallies while the House voted to impeach him. He used the occasion to rant and ramble for two hours, making it the longest rally he's held since taking office. It was a fine party, with Trump treating the impeachment as a joke that will work out just great for him, and mocking Democrats as the worst humans possible. It was a lot like the actual impeachment "debate" in the House that way.
Oh yes, and the rally also celebrated the fact that Americans are now allowed to say "Merry Christmas" again, which until 2017 they could not, so Donald Trump truly is a Christmas Miracle. The holiday trees at the venue were even topped with red MAGA hats instead of stars of angels, because triggering the libs is the Reason for the Season. Trump also yelled about toilets and light bulbs, as one does at this festive time of year.
Here's the video, if any of you masochists want to watch the bitchfest in its entirety, and if you actually do, we'd also be happy to refer you to counseling, because that shit's not healthy:
WATCH LIVE: Trump holds Michigan rally on day of House impeachment vote youtu.be
Trump led off by proclaiming it "doesn't really feel like we're being impeached," because he knows it's all a mean joke and he's never been held responsible for anything in his life, so why would this be different? He has people to take care of little irritations that get in his way, and this time it's an entire political party that controls the Senate.
He proclaimed yet again that he was once named Michigan's Man of the Year, which never happened, but Trump thinks it did so it is now official reality. Protesters unfurled a banner, so Trump took the opportunity to call one of the protesters a "real slob" and a "disgusting person" who had flipped him off. Then he complained the security people failed to rough one of them up.
"They wanna be so politically correct. So they don't grab her wrist lightly and get her out!" the leader of the world's greatest republic griped, and that's why her hand was free to make a "horrible gesture with the wrong finger." We love how he puts things, he has the best words. His advice for security guards and cops everywhere: "You gotta get a little bit stronger than that, folks."
This is at least the second time this month he's complained that protesters were merely removed instead of getting the beatdown they so richly deserved. Expect more as the campaign continues, because the rage-addicted audience just eats that shit up.
When the impeachment vote came, Trump was delighted to see that not a single Republican voted to impeach him, which means he actually got 100 percent of the vote in his favor, and has won already. But first, he had to explain that while the #MeToo movement means he never talks about anyone's looks any more, "male or female," that Adam Schiff sure is one funny-looking dude, and also a "pathological liar."
Every single Republican voted for us. Whoa! Whoa! Wow! Wow! Almost 200! [...] We didn't lose one Republican vote. And! And! Three Democrats voted for us! [...]
The Republican Party has never been so affronted but they've never been so united as they are right now ["Affronted"? Probably misread the teleprompter -- Dok]
Then Trump said he knows the Republicans in the Senate -- "They're great guys, and women, too! We have some great women, some great guys, some great people" -- would do the "right thing." President Goodbrain then started to talk about what a wonderful letter he sent to Nancy Pelosi, but went off on a tangent on immigration and the sanctuary cities, before he got back on track about how Democrats are vicious, while Republicans are not, although maybe Republicans "may learn to be vicious after going through this." Hope you're listening! Time to get vicious! But his real point is that Democrats "always stick together" -- like, for "a hundred years" -- so getting three Democratic votes against impeachment was "unheard of."
Weirdly, Trump said Republicans have to retake the House, so everyone can get the best healthcare ever -- not that he has a plan, but he says he does, so it's the best plan possible and you'll love it! Then he insisted that any Democrat he ever gave money to has to refund it if they voted for impeachment, and launched into his musings about how beloved Michigan congressman John Dingell burns in hell and his widow has his funny name too. "Then you have this Dingell. Dingell! You know Dingell? From Michigan! You know Dingell?" [audience boos]
After more freeform rambling (best economy in history, elitists suck but Trump is actually richer and went to better schools, biggest crowds in history, and also if Trump had done what Joe and Hunter Biden did, he'd get the electric chair. Seems kind of harsh for letting your kids trade on your name for business), Trump moved on to the most important point of Impeachment Night: light bulbs, toilets, and dishwashers.
Bless us, there's a transcript of this important national discourse:
Sinks, uh, showers, all of this stuff, I did a lot of it. No water comes out. You have areas where there's so much water you don't know what to do with it. You turn on the shower, you're not allowed to have any water anymore. I mean, we do a lot of it. Uh, dishwashers. You did the dishwasher, right? You press it. Remember the dishwasher, you press it? Boom, there'd be like an explosion, five minutes later, you open it, the steam pours out, the dishes. Now you press it 12 times. Women tell me. Again. You know, they give you four drops of water. And they're in places where there's so much water they don't know what to do with it. So we just came out with a reg on dishwashers. We're going back to you.
Yes indeed, women -- at least those not fleeing for the nearest exit -- tell him about how you have to press the button twelve times before anything happens. He keeps hearing this from women, about the button.
Also, Trump would like "TOILETS" to become the next "Mexico will pay for the wall":
Now we're doing it with a lot of other things. Uh, dishwashers, and uh, you know. I won't tell you one of the things because every time I tell you they do a big number on it. You know the one I'm talking about, right? Sinks, right? Showers? And what goes with a sink and a shower?
[Crowd chants, "A toilet!"]
Ten times, right? Ten times. [Trump does flushing motion while saying something that sounds like 'bah, bop.'] Not me of course, not me, but you. You. But I never mention that. Because one time I mentioned all three. I said, sinks, showers, and toilets. The headline was, 'Trump with the toilets, toilets.' That's all they want. They don't even mention the, so I didn't mention that, okay? I go off the record.
But you know what, it's terrible. You wanna wash your hands, you turn on the sink, no water comes out. So you leave the water, go ten times as long, it's same thing. You have a shower. Drip. It's no good for me, for me.
It's truly impressive that, on the night he was impeached, President Drunkuncle managed to say so many, many words about shit.
Ever the buzzkills, the "fact-based" socialists at Gizmodo's Earther point out that no, efficient appliances don't actually waste water, which you might gather from the word "efficient":
The EPA actually estimates using approved water- and electricity-conserving fixtures and appliances can save the average household $350 annually, a figure that presumably accounts for the occasional courtesy flush.
But by god, everything in the old days was better, so we're bringing back wasteful lightbulbs and big cars and toilets that never clog up with your massive beefshits.
Truly, these are the days of miracle and wonder. Merry Christmas, you old toilet! Every time you flush, an angel gets its wings!
Yr Wonkette is supported entirely by reader donations. Please send us money so we can keep the servers humming, the writers paid, and Dok supplied with brain bleach.
Doktor Zoom's real name is Marty Kelley, and he lives in the wilds of Boise, Idaho. He is not a medical doctor, but does have a real PhD in Rhetoric. You should definitely donate some money to this little mommyblog where he has finally found acceptance and cat pictures. He is on maternity leave until 2033. Here is his Twitter, also. His quest to avoid prolixity is not going so great.