Donny Deutsch, Rich Asshole, Wants Shiftless Workers Back On The Plantation NOW

Class War

Donny Deutsch's last name is not pronounced “Douche" but that's how I hear it in my head. This is probably because he's a sexist, pompous, entitled creep who thinks he possesses insights that the masses deserve to hear daily.

Last week, on MSNBC's "Morning Joe," Deutsch lamented the decline of Americans' "work ethic," as he sat comfortably in a room with the same interior design sense as the alien prison at the end of 2001: A Space Odyssey.

"Work ethic," by the way, is a BS Puritan term that describes poor people performing backbreaking physical labor on behalf of rich assholes. Here's what this rich asshole said:

I think post-pandemic people got used to staying at home.

To the extent that's true, it doesn't mean workers are lazy. Black women, for instance, reportedly feel far less stress working at home than in an office where they risk repeated exposure to people like Donny Deutsch. Remote work also provides needed flexibility for working mothers who shoulder the bulk of childcare obligations. People aren't just lying on their couches binge-watching Loki instead of filing their TPS reports.


Deutsch referred to the supposed “Great Resignation," where he claimed “something like 92 percent of Americans said they're either considering changing their jobs or leaving their jobs, and I think we've gotten a little soft in the pandemic." His insulting observation doesn't logically follow: Employees who've gotten “soft" are arguably least likely to put themselves out there and find a better opportunity. As noted American thinker Homer Simpson once observed, lazy people don't quit their jobs. They just "go in every day and do it really half-assed."

A Monster.com survey revealed that people are considering leaving their jobs, but their motivations are the same as most disgruntled employees ever since Lucifer told God to shove it: Their current boss sucks. They feel unappreciated. Both of which might be because their employer wants them to report back to work immediately when they already upended their lives to work from home during a global pandemic. People moved into the suburbs because their homes had to serve as a combination grade school and office park. They aren't jumping at the idea of an extra hour's commute time just because their rich asshole boss is stuck in a lease. I've worked someplace where the rich assholes fired their entire New York City staff and moved operations to another state because they didn't want to renew their expensive lease. No one questions the “work ethic" of rich assholes who put themselves first all damn day.

I love [what] James Gorman ... the head of Morgan Stanley ... said to his workers, “I'm not gonna give you the option" ... if you feel OK going to a New York City restaurant, you can go back to work.

OK, those are two entirely separate issues. James Gorman might as well say that if his employees are fine riding the elevator to their apartments, they can take the elevator to their office building. He's also leading with the notion that his employees are all enjoying bottle service at fancy New York nightspots but are too shiftless to fight rush hour traffic for the privilege of working in a cubicle farm.

Gorman is yet another rich asshole. No one should work for him. He treats his workers like he needs a series of visits from three spirits. Deutsch also conflated “going back to work" with “working physically in the office." It's not the same thing, and Gorman isn't offering any data that his business interests suffered as a direct result of remote work. He just expects his employees to rearrange their lives and in many cases give up a major benefit for ... well, he apparently doesn't have to give any reasons because he thinks he's a 19th Century robber baron.

Deutsch went on to criticize the “new soft attitude of work from home, flexibility, what not." No, asshole, recognizing that employees have lives isn't a “soft attitude." It's how effective management retains staff.

It's something about people going back to work that has to happen.

They are already at work. Sitting in front of a computer screen and attending multiple Zoom meetings all day isn't a vacation.

If I were still running a company today, I'd say, “Guess what, you're coming back to work."

And everyone would say, “Guess what, rich asshole, we quit." This 6-3 Supreme Court is awful, but the 13th Amendment is still mostly intact.

Donny Deutsch is worth an estimated $200 million, which he didn't earn digging ditches. He joined his father's advertising firm in 1983 and received total control of the company in 1989 after working his way up to “son." Instead of lecturing working people, he should go fuck himself with his matching crystal lamps.

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Stephen Robinson

Stephen Robinson is a writer and social kibbitzer based in Portland, Oregon. He writes reviews for the A.V. Club and make believe for Cafe Nordo, an immersive theatre space in Seattle. He's also on the board of the Portland Playhouse theatre. His son describes him as a “play typer guy."

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