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You may have heard, though not from us, that a bunch of Nigerian assholes are going around kidnapping all the girls. Almost a month after more than 300 girls were taken from their school (50 or so escaped), and days after eight more were kidnapped, and seeing what an Obamacare-website-style clusterfuck Nigeria's president, Goodluck Jonathan, has made out of "not searching" and "not rescuing" and "insteadarresting some of the parents because apparently the Nigerian president is married to Winnie Mandela," world president B. Barry Bamz is on the job! He is sending a team of whoever -- Seal Team Six? JFK-styley "military advisors"? Amazon drones? We don't care -- to go get those girls.


Go Barry! Police the world!

Sometimes, we are in disagreement with our lefty brothers and sisters on our global adventurin' and interventioning. We are pretty sure though that this one is a gimme? Everybody, WE ASSUME, wants Barack Obama to go get those girls? Nigeria's president is a shitball, and these Boko Haram dudes are fucked, and helping one fight the other is probably one of those morasses where only John McCain can tell the good guys. Don't care. It is time to take out the Boko Haram dudes like you took out those pirates, and get those girls.

Seriously, just drone the shit out of em. Go get those girls.

Rebecca Schoenkopf

Rebecca Schoenkopf is the owner, publisher, and editrix of Wonkette. She is a nice lady, SHUT UP YUH HUH. She is very tired with this fucking nonsense all of the time, and it would be terrific if you sent money to keep this bitch afloat. She is on maternity leave until 2033.

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Former Colorado state legislator and internet-elevangelist Gordon Klingenschmitt (his name is my name too) knows why we hate Trump. Is it because he is a terrible person and a terrible President? Is it because he says horrible things all of the time? Is it because he had the motherfucking gall to refer to Aretha Franklin as someone who worked for him?

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Trump supporters -- you can't take them anywhere. One idiot Trump supporter in Sacramento, California proved that at a recent Social Distortion show, where he thought it might be a good idea to be a dick to lead singer Mike Ness, the most perfect human man in all of existence. It did not go well.

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