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Don’t Worry, Republicans, We Have Found These Awesome Made-Up Polls For You

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If you're a Romney supporter, you likely look with sadness and disdain upon thecurrent state of political polling, which has consistently failed for weeks to show your guy with a lead.  In fact, the last time Mitt Romney had a lead in the RCP average, it was fall. Of 2011.


What to do, then? Well, you unskew the polls, that's what!

Enter Unskewed Polls, which takes scientifically conducted polls and, with no particular methodology or reasoning, makes them pro-Romney.

Let's put this in action!

The last Reuters/Ipsos poll showed Obama with a five-point lead over Mitt Romney, 48-43. When UNSKEWED, Romney leads by TEN POINTS! American points! How did this get unskewed? Let's go to the tape!

Using the parameters of last week's Reuters/Ipsos poll as a basis for a good estimate since this latest one didn't release any internal data, the partisan makeup of the sample is believed to be similar and estimated at 52.5 percent Democrats, 37.6 percent Republicans and 9.2 independents among the 2,078 registered voters and 1,437 likely voters surveyed for the poll. The survey clearly under-sampled independent and Republican voters.

Clearly, based on your complete guesswork, the poll must have vastly oversampled blah blah blah, and so is wrong. How, then, to UNSKEW???

The Rasmussen Reports partisan data measured from hundreds of thousands of voters by Rasmussen Reports, which measures the partisan percentages at 37.6 percent Republicans, 33.3 percent Democrats and 29.2 percent independents. The difference means the Reuters/Ipsos poll over-sampled Democratic voters by 19.2 percent and under-sampled independent voters by 20 percent.

...Oh. You just take polling data from a Republican pollster, use it to correct for a skew you completely made up and then guessed at by showing no work, and then use it to convert the poll results into something you like. Never mind that, historically, there have almost always been more registered Democrats than Republicans. Scott Rasmussen has spoken, just like when he totally screwed the pooch in 2010!

Fuck. We thought this was like a magic trick or something, not someone's D+ algebra project.

[Unskewed Polls]

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WHOA THERE, it is a #HotScoop about something happening that portends the wrapping up of the Robert Mueller investigation, one that we can actually believe to a point, because of how CNN seems to have some receipts for its story. (Unlike what we always hear from reporters who shall remain nameless, like Ken Dilanian from NBC News.)

CNN is reporting that "as soon as next week," new attorney general William Barr will be announcing the "completion" of the Mueller probe and that Mueller will be sending some sort of report to Barr.

And just like that, this is you right now: WHOA IF TRUE, IS IT TRUE? IS HE JUST GOING TO LEAVE LIKE THIS? BUT WE HAVEN'T EVEN SAID GOODBYE!

And this is Robert Mueller right now: bUt We HaVeN't EvEn SaId GoOdByE!!!!!!!!

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Aimee Maddonna, of Simpsonville, South Carolina, is a nice lady who wanted to take in some foster children and give them a nice home, with her, her husband and their children. Her father had been in the foster care system himself, and her parents had always brought foster children into their home as well, hoping to give those kids a better experience than he had in the system. She had hoped to continue the tradition, and went to Miracle Hill Ministries, the largest and most widely advertised foster care provider in the state, to get started. At first, Miracle Hill told her that she and her family would be a great fit for foster kids and seemed excited to have them on board.

And then they asked her what church she went to.

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