Dr. Rand Paul Would Like To Investigate Hillary Clinton's Innards For Signs Of Pestilence

Dr. Dipshit

Hey-o, we gots us a message from Dr. Rand Paul! Remember that guy? He was running for the Republican presidential nomination, but then he dropped out like a little loser, just because he was losing so hard to Donald Trump and Ted Cruz and Marco Rubio. It was pathetic! Like, if we were his dad, we would be so embarrassed. Anyway, Rand Paul is also an allegedly certified eye doctor, so he's pretty sure Hillary Clinton's little bout with pneumonia was probably a false flag for whatever is REALLY going on inside her frail, dying body.

Rand told all his alleged medical knowledge to Tom Roten of 800 WVHU radio:

I think it is troubling when we look at the reports from Clinton, not just the potential health problems that she has but also sort of the dissembling, the dishonesty about it. And when they trotted out that diagnosis of pneumonia a couple days after the fact, America just didn’t buy it because they assume the Clintons will probably lie to you anyway. And I think it is concerning really even if you’re her family member and you’re very concerned about her health that maybe they need to look deeper into finding an answer.

Wait, "America" didn't buy it? Haha, Rand Paul, YOU are not "America," and you might not even be a real doctor. Also, the people trafficking in these Hillary health conspiracies aren't really "America" either, because fuck them, they are the worst of what America has to offer. One might even say they are part of a "basket of deplorables."

Also, we are fairly certain that if there was something REALLY bad going on, Hillary Clinton's concerned family members, like her husband Bill and her daughter Chelsea and her lover Huma (hahaha JOKES), would pull her aside and force her ass into the doctor's office for a check-up.

[wonkbar]<a href="http://wonkette.com/566202/dr-rand-paul-just-looking-out-for-hillarys-health-because-shes-soooooo-old-is-all"></a>[/wonkbar]Rand has done this concern trolling before, because you know how OLD Hillary is. Sure, Donald Trump is older, but he is a dude, and men are MAGIC YOOGE PARAGONS OF HEALTH when they are old, whereas ladies are withering sacks of disease. Or something. We really don't know what the logic behind this is, besides "sexism" and "HILLARY IS THE DEVIL!"

If you remember Hillary's "pneumonia incident," she had been doing some coughing in the weeks prior to that fateful 9/11 memorial, when she became overheated or overworked or overtired or whatever the hell it was. She was nursing a cough, blaming it on allergies, and we're gonna guess she was probably being stubborn as all hell about getting it checked out. Running for president isn't one of those jobs you get to just take a week off from, and she clearly pushed it to the point that all of a sudden in a crowd on a 79 degree day, her body was like "SCREW YOU, HILLZ, WE ARE GOING TO LIE DOWN NOW." It happens.

[wonkbar]<a href="http://wonkette.com/605279/what-is-hillary-clinton-dying-from-today"></a>[/wonkbar]But if you are Dr. Rand Paul, who possibly has a medical license that enables him to treat eye holes, you have the expertise to see that there's obviously SOMETHING bad going on inside Hillary's old woman body. It's the same medical expertise possessed by internet trolls and other Not Medical Experts, who are pretty sure she's got Parkinson's or Down syndrome or consumption or the vapors or some kind of obscure disease only ladies get, probably in their lady parts.

STFU Rand, you're not an actual part of this presidential election season for a reason. (Because people hate you, and you're a moron.)


Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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