Duck Dynasty Dude Still Really Into Teen Brides, Hating Gays


We try not to disparage the South with a broad brush, because that is some bullshit. Good people can live in the South, stupid people can live in the North. But sometimes, The South, you do not make it easy when you have things like Rock the South, which seems to be some sort of redneck Lollapalooza, starring the Charlie Daniels Band, the dudes in Lynyrd Skynyrd that didn't die but got real conservative. and the Duck Dynasty people. Seriously, if someone offered us a bullet or Rock the South, it would be a hard choice.

Anyway, Phil Robertson was allowed onstage with one of his bearded spawn for a Q&A which spanned many topics, giving Phil Robertson a chance to be a creep regarding many topics that Phil Robertson has already been a creep about! Thanks, Rock the South!

We're not sure we can do any better a summation of this modern day Woodstock than the poor Alabama critic that got sent to cover this thing.

Robertson, 68, shared his thoughts on teen brides (he's definitely for them), the Crimson Tide under Bear Bryant (powerful as a thunderclap), hunter's rights (he believes the Bible tells us to "whack 'em and stack 'em") and things that define a Southern man (a beard and "a wife he can stand," for starters).

Do you think that woman got hazard pay for covering this event? We'd demand double time for sure. Also, we really wish someone could point us to the part of the Bible that covers "whack 'em and stack 'em." Is it one of those newfangled modern translations?

We're having significant trouble taking Robertson seriously -- OK, OK, more trouble than usual -- because the man did this Q&A sitting on the semi-fancy chairs our grandmother had in the "good" sitting room aka the room you couldn't actually sit in, yet he still wore that shitty camouflage like he was going to go straight from this festival to a duck blind. That's what they call it, right?

Anyway, there is your Phil Robertson update. Oh wait, we forgot. He also still hates the gays, but with love, people. With love.

Robertson defended his stance on homosexuality, as aired in that infamous article in GQ: "I'm actually a nice man. … I'm trying to help those poor souls and turn them to Jesus."

No word on how he still maintains a gentle sense of humor about his incredibly virulent racism. He's probably saving that for his TED talk.


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How do you do, fellow libs? We come together tonight to cheer and clap and cry and laugh, with our leader, Elizabeth Warren, and her fellow nice people Jay Inslee (the gold standard in climate action), Beto O'Rourke (excellent on being a good ally mostly), Cory Booker (best corny love hippie but also Wall Street, it's weird), Julian Castro (I don't know, people are super into him despite his creepy twinness and his too much pomade), Amy Klobuchar (bad bitch), Bill de Blasio ( ... ), John Delaney (???), and Tim Ryan and Tulsi Gabbard.

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We know, the thing we said in our headline is a thing you can say every day, but it's really intense today, maybe because Donald Trump is now filled with fear of the inescapable reality that millions of Americans who have not read the Mueller Report are going to see Robert Mueller testify on live TV on July 17, and Donald Trump will be exposed. Maybe the Big Mac vending machine next to his golden toilet is on the fritz and he hasn't had gotten to eat a Big Mac on the poop chair since last night. Maybe he's just a weak and sad person, a collection of shithole cells God meant to throw in the garbage, but accidentally implanted in Mary Trump's turkey incubator. We imagine that'd lead to a pretty constant state of anxiety and ennui.

Whatever it is, he's totally fucked right now. We were going to write a nice post about Trump's batshit interview on Fox Business with Maria Bartiromo, but we were busy, and by the time we got to it, he had performed so many batshit feats that we're just going to stick them all in this one post.

Let's start with the fight he's trying to wage with US soccer star Megan Rapinoe, who in a now-viral video stated that she has no fuckin' interest in going to the White House to meet that idiot. He got into a quarrel with her on Twitter ... or at least with a Twitter account that didn't belong to her. It's now been replaced, in order that the adult president may shit-tweet at the soccer superstar who hurt his feelings, but Splinter grabbed the original:

The rant continued:

Right. And Megan Rapinoe just said win or lose, she has no interest in meeting your crusty ass, because no decent American would consider that an honor.

Besides, she has already been to the White House to meet a legitimately elected president:

By the by, the owner of the incorrect Megan Rapinoe account saw Trump's whining and told him to grow a dick and set it on fire:

Ya burnt!

But as we said, it was a whole day of batshit from Trump, so let's continue.

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