Duggars To Announce New Jesus-Approved Boning Rituals Very Soon!
The young horndogs who started it all.
Oh, what a wonder it is, as your 19 children barely reach the age of sexual maturity and you set to the task of finding arranged marriage Christian diddle-sex partners for them, so they may each have 19 children of their own! It's like the Circle Of Life, but gross! But who's next? Who will be the next to ripen from the Tree of Duggar and fall off into a briar patch of Jesus-approved sexxx penis and lady-penis?
Josh [Duggar] predicted more than one courtship would be announced before year end and there are six adult, unattached Duggar siblings with only two more months left in 2015. The canceling of the Duggar family reality show on TLC in July left courtships up in the air. Now, with a special in production for a planned airing in December, filming of any Duggar romances is presumed to be underway and possible candidates for a relationship have been photographed recently with the family.
Josh Duggar made that prediction before everybody found out about what he likes to do with his jingle-jangles in his spare time, and of course, everything's been SO crazy since then. When can a Duggar even find the time to enter into a biblically sanctioned courtship involving sidehugs, parental supervision and secret no-holds-barred fucking (RUMOR HAS IT) in the cargo hold of the Duggar family jet?
Let's review the Duggars' track record!
Josh married Anna, and became a Family Research Council employee who used to diddle his own sisters, but graduated to the much more age-appropriate activity of violently ramming porn stars he rented on the internet! Also he put some babies in Anna, who may or may not divorce him. Participation trophy for Josh, for existing, and 10 Jesus Points for Anna!
Jill married Meth-Trick Dillard (aka "Derick"), and they did P-in-V buttsex a few times, which ALSO has resulted in a healthy child! And now they're off in El Salvador, possibly pretending to do missionary work while they snort coke off each other's various booby and butt cleavages, ALLEGEDLY! Hope the Duggar fans don't ask for TOO MANY refunds for their "missionary work," because El Salvador is the funnest, and it's FAR AWAY from the Sister-Fiddler's sex-addicted halfway house, in Illinois. Anyway, 100 Jesus Points for Jill and Derick, for being less gross than Josh!
And then there's Jessa and Ben. They're about to have a baby! Or maybe they've already had it! Or maybe they've been faking it because EW SEX and everything about their lives is a lie, we don't know. Jessa and Ben are boring as fuck. They get 250 Jesus Points for being the least grossest so far!
Three down, 48 million more Duggars to marry off.
Who will be next to learn the ways of sex romance from Jim Bob and Michelle Duggar?
Well, the Inquisitr has some ideas! There are SIX Duggar spawn who have reached whelping age, actually. There's Jana, who's actually older than Jill and Jessa, at age 25, but 25 is "barren corpse hag" in Duggar years, so she's probably out.
There's Jinger, who the Inquisitr says seemed MIGHTY MIFFED at Josh when he said courtships were a-comin'. And look, she DOES look annoyed! But maybe that's just how all girls look at Josh, especially girls who are privy to how he really is:
Corpse hag on the left, Jinger on the right.
SOME SAY Jinger is Duggar-boning Lawson Bates from that OTHER reality teevee show with 19 kids, "Bringing Up Bates." Is that true? Let's just go yes and assume Lawson and Jinger are sittin' in a tree,
D-R-Y-H-U-M-P-I-N-G, reading Bible verses.
This is Lawson. Would YOU bone him like a common Jinger?
But maybe they're not sexing. The Inquisitr snarkily adds, "If he is not in a relationship with Jinger, then he might be interested in her younger sister, Joy-Anna, because October 28 was her 18th birthday." FRESH DUGGAR MEAT!
And speaking of the "Bringing Up Bates," the tabloids need us to know Joseph Duggar and Tori Bates are in college together (probably fucking), and little Joy-Anna is BFFs with 17-year-old Carlin Bates (SOOOOO FUCKING).
There's also John David Duggar, Jana's twin. He has apparently been seen around the town with a girl named Laura DeMasie! And the Inquisitr shows us this sexxx tweet he sent a while back:
Bravo to Twitterer-Twatterer @ShortCanuck for that reply! We don't know whether those are supposed to be four hands with thumbs up, or whether John David's "secret" is that his "courtship" is when he holds his hands like that and moves them this way and that, on his penis. WHO CAN SAY?
Oh and finally -- goddammit, how many of these children are there? Oh yeah, 19 -- there's little Josiah Duggar, who was on again, off again with this chick Marjorie Jackson, but then they stopped sideboning in courtship earlier this year, but maybe they started again, whatever.
Verdict: Some of these Duggars be FUCKIN'.
And when The Big Reveal happens, Mommy and Daddy Duggar will be so excited they'll look at each other like this:
That's her O face, on the left. And that's his, on the right.
And then they'll do some horizontal naked marriage dancing, like they did at married diddle camp, to set a good example for the newly courting kids, and to please Jesus, who likes to watch them fuck on a regular basis.
Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.
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