Dumb Millennials Don't Even Believe Jesus Rode Dinosaurs
Millennials, they are THE WORST. They're always like "Mommy, can you write a note to my teacher in medical school to say he's being mean?" and "Hey Taylor Swift, why is this gross old lady Alanis Morissette on stage with you right now?" Oh, and they're just as racist as their parents, and because we wrote this paragraph, our tips line is going to be FULL of complaints. (From their moms.)
But here is a thing millennials are GOOD at! Turns out they totally accept that evolution is, like, a thing. Kids These Days, what are they Snapchat sexting about? The Big Bang, obviously (IN THEIR PANTS):
National polls show that creationism is beginning to falter, and Americans are finally starting to move in favor of evolution. [...]
The people responsible for this shift are the young. According to a recent Pew Research Center report, 73 percent of American adults younger than 30 expressed some sort of belief in evolution, a jump from 61 percent in 2009, the first year in which the question was asked. The number who believed in purely secular evolution (that is, not directed by any divine power) jumped from 40 percent to a majority of 51 percent. In other words, if you ask a younger American how humans arose, you’re likely to get an answer that has nothing to do with God.
HOT DAMN, THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS LOST GENERATION.
Now, is our other generations learning? Well, kind of but nope, not really. Slate reports that the number of who people believe in "secular evolution" (the kind God didn't do) has doubled, but there has been a drop in those who believe in theistic evolution (the kind God did). There hasn't been a major jump in overall belief in evolution across all age groups, though.
But this is good news, especially considering how hard insane idiot politicians,religious leaders, and Duggars have been working to make sure all children's science education follows the book of Genesis to the letter, or at least "teaches the controversy." Pretty much all scientists say evolution is a fact, but SOME IDIOTS say Noah's Ark was a really rad place to watch T-Rexes do Fight Club. (Oh we know, creationists, it's called a "theory," but that word does not mean what you think it means when scientists say it.) What's the REAL truth? WHO CAN SAY?
Slate reports this is a trend we can at least hope will continue, with some caveats. For one thing, four in ten Americans, most of whom are named Carl probably, still think the earth is young and God poofed them into existence 6000 years ago. Out of that four in ten, most are conservative religious people and they ain't changin' their minds for you liberal scum, praise Jesus.
But many of the religious people who refuse to believe they came from some damn monkey are ALSO gross crusty olds who are gonna die soon, whereas Kids These Days? Not so religious:
Who are the people still perpetuating the view that evolution is a myth and that humans have existed basically as-is for the entirety of existence, which has lasted only about 10,000 years? By and large, they’re older Americans. About 34 percent of Americans 50 to 64 years old believe in creationism. For Americans older than 65, it’s 37 percent. From the perspective of people who endorse evolution, that’s a good thing—because, not to be insensitive, but old people die.
See? Yr Wonkette is not Saying A Mean here. Folks get old and die. It's kind of a thing.
And when they're gone, all the millennials will be free to keep sexting each other about how cool evolution is, until they finally disprove the theory once and for all by being the first generation in human history to do evolution backward, because they suck.
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Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.
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