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Guess former Texas governor and current GOP clown car rumble seat occupant Rick Perry doesn't like being called the second biggest stupid in the world, just behind Sen. Lindsey Graham. In a speech delivered Wednesday to some cohort of idiots assembled by his super PAC, Perry thought he'd set the record straight on who is the real idiot, and also who is destroying the Republican Party, and also who is literal ass cancer embodied in human Republican form. Surprise, it is Donald Trump!


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Let's start with the name of the speech: "Defending Conservatism Against the Cancer of Trump-ism." But did Perry immediately strike Trump with his claws? No, he spent what was probably a hundred-thousand minutes on how Obama sucks and how our military is just TOO LITTLE (!) and China is the worst and Vladimir Putin is gross, yadda yadda, LET'S GET TO THE SHADE-THROWING, GURL!

The White House has been occupied by giants. But from time to time it is sought by the small-minded – divisive figures propelled by anger, and appealing to the worst instincts in the human condition.

In times of trouble, there are two types of leaders: repairers of the breach and sowers of discord.

The sower of discord foments agitation, thrives on division, scapegoats certain elements of society, and offers empty platitudes and promises. He is without substance when one scratches below the surface.

Yes? And what name hath been bestowed by ye high lord Satan on this sower of discord, source of all lamentations and really gurl, his hair is just not sassy like Rick Perry's?

He offers a barking carnival act that can be best described as Trumpism: a toxic mix of demagoguery, mean-spiritedness and nonsense that will lead the Republican Party to perdition if pursued.

Let no one be mistaken – Donald Trump’s candidacy is a cancer on conservatism, and it must be clearly diagnosed, excised and discarded.

As we said, ME-OW! And then, like a good kitten, he slyly goes off course and talks about liberals suck, Bernie Sanders is gay, Hillary Clinton is Hillary Clinton, and the only way to Make America Great Again (Trump!) is to be a true conservative. And then slowly, like a feline huntress who just spotted her prey (think of a big Trumpy hairball), he pounces again:

Donald Trump the reality television star is a great generator of ratings. But Donald Trump the candidate is a sower of division, wrongly demonizing Mexican-Americans for political sport.

It's a wonder to behold when GOP candidates are having to take a position on how Mexicans aren't rapists.

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Tell us how Trump is the Real Stupid:

Donald Trump is the modern-day incarnation of the know-nothing movement.

Tell us how Donald Trump is the real gay Kenyan Marxist Clintonian liberal:

Conservatism doesn’t foment agitation through identity politics. That’s what Democrats do. But as a supporter of socialized medicine, the stimulus package and Hillary Clinton, Mr. Trump is quite suited to follow the Democrats’ example.

Haha, Trump's earlier support for so many Democrats, and Democratic policies, and that whole thing about when he said he would hire President Obama at one of his companies, due to how good Obama fixed the economy, is going to bite him right on the ass.

What else? Oh, just that Trump is a pussy:

Donald Trump was born into privilege. He received deferments to avoid service in Vietnam. He breathes the free air thousands of heroes died protecting. And he couldn’t have endured for five minutes what John McCain endured for five and a half years.

FIVE AND HALF YEARS, DONALD.

Trump hates Jesus, even if he DOES love those little Jesus crackers:

But most telling to me is not Mr. Trump’s bombast, his refusal to show any remorse for his comments about Senator McCain, but his admission that there is not a single time in his life that he sought the forgiveness of God.

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And finally, he says that Trump is "empty calories," so hey you Republicans, keep sucking Trump off if you must, but stop swallowing!

Good speech, Gov. Perry! You will still not be president.

[RickPerry.org via Time]

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Lace up your sneakers, Wonkers! Time to hit the streets. MoveOn, the ACLU, MomsRising and all your favorite dirty leftists are getting together for a yuuuuuuuuge march to show that WE ARE A NATION OF DECENT FUCKING HUMAN BEINGS WHO DON'T KIDNAP BABIES. And your Wonkette will be there!

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Rudy Giuliani, flapping his loose yap to Politico on Monday:

President Donald Trump's attorney Rudy Giuliani said on Monday that he was actually just bluffing last week when he called for Justice Department leaders to suspend special counsel Robert Mueller's investigation within 24 hours.

"I didn't think it would," Giuliani told POLITICO with a laugh when asked about the Mueller inquiry's still being very much an active investigation. "But I still think it should be." [...]

That's what I'm supposed to do," Giuliani explained on Monday. "What am I supposed to say? That they should investigate him forever? Sorry, I'm not a sucker."

Cool, that is just Rudy Giuliani admitting he's full of shit and words and more shit and more words (and also a noun, a verb and 9/11). We are guessing therefore that Giuliani, who is a lawyer, would legally advise us to continue assuming we should take his every oral ejaculation with a gi-normous grain of FULL OF SHIT.

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