Last week, Wonkette theorized an intelligent hypothesis, yes that is the first sentence of this post, that Wonkette THEORIZED AN INTELLIGENT HYPOTHESIS. Only downhill from here until the election, y'all.

Anyway, the intelligent hypothesis was that Attorney General Bill Barr has been so spitting mad at everything lately because he's trying to do everything he possibly can to help in the effort to steal the election for Donald Trump, but it's juuuuuuust noooooooot woooooorking. Zero people who matter respect him or believe anything he says, and we believe John Durham, the US attorney Barr deputized to 'VESTIGATE THE 'VESTIGATORS who looked into the Russian election attack of 2016, and Trump's collusion/conspiracy with that attack, ain't got shit for him.

Barr has desperately wanted Durham to find "evidence" to "prove" that the Russian attack was fake, or somehow lesser than we thought, and that the REAL crime was that Obama people did "wire tapps" to the Trump campaign. This is because Bill Barr is not only an authoritarian power-monger, but also because he is dumber than your right-wing Fox News-obsessed uncle, whom you hate.

Barr so badly wants the October Surprise to be himself hauling Obama People off in chains, but if Durham came to play that democracy-destroying game, we don't think it's working. Durham's top investigator quit the Justice Department, reportedly because of interference from Barr. Fox News's Maria Bartiromo reported this weekend that it's "unlikely" we'll see any arrests or Durham reports before the election. She swears it's gonna be real big, though, when Durham is finished! YOU BETCHA.

So what do deranged Trump people do in a situation like this, when the bottom is falling out and it looks like Joe Biden is going to beat Trump by a margin of "America" to "maybe three or four members of the Trump family"? You throw ALL THE SHIT at the wall, and you pray to your imaginary gods that something will stick. Anything.

That's how we're interpreting dumb dick Director of National Intelligence John Ratcliffe's behavior Tuesday, as he declassified unverified Russian chatter from 2016, what had Russian intelligence saying that actually Hillary Clinton invented the Deep State Russia Witch Hoax against Trump in her Pizzagate basement, in order to distract from her Hotmail account.


Folks, this is a real letter from the director of national intelligence to the chairman of the Senate Judiciary Committee, who is also playing the fling-some-shit-and-pray-it-sticks game, because Lindsey Graham sucks ass like that.

In late July 2016, U.S. intelligence agencies obtained insight into Russian intelligence analysis alleging that U.S. Presidential candidate Hillary Clinton had approved a campaign plan to stir up a scandal against U.S. Presidential candidate Donald Trump by tying him to Putin and the Russians' hacking of the Democratic National Committee. The IC does not know the accuracy of this allegation or the extent to which the Russian intelligence analysis may reflect exaggeration or fabrication.

O RLY? Russian intelligence said Hillary made it all up? And the IC "does not know" if maybe the Russians were just making shit up, despite how the IC and literally every other investigating entity have determined that Vladimir Putin personally ordered the attack on the election, to help Trump and hurt Hillary?

According to his handwritten notes, former Central Intelligence Agency Director [John] Brennan subsequently briefed President Obama and other senior national security officials on the intelligence, including the "alleged approval by Hillary Clinton on July 26, 2016 of a proposal from one of her foreign policy advisors to vilify Donald Trump by stirring up a scandal claiming interference by Russian security services."

Really, John? Did she really have to "stir up a scandal claiming interference by Russian security services"? Because the Mueller Report and the Republican-led Senate Intelligence Committee have both explained that the Russian security services attacked that election, again, not on orders from Hillary Clinton, but from Putin.

On 07 September 2016, U.S. intelligence officials forwarded an investigative referral to FBI Director James Corney and Deputy Assistant Director of Counterintelligence Peter Strzok regarding "U.S. Presidential candidate Hillary Clinton's approval of a plan concerning U.S. Presidential candidate Donald Trump and Russian hackers hampering U.S. elections as a means of distracting the public from her use of a private mail server."

To distract people from HER EMAILS? Oh go fuck yourself with one of the unsanded corners of your own face, Ratcliffe.

Yes, we are sure Russian intelligence did say those things in 2016, John Ratcliffe. The fact that you're saying them out loud right now probably has Russian intelligence laughing in a pile on the floor. "Holy shit! These Republicans are even dumber than they look! These idiots are a fucking GOLDMINE! Call Putin and see if he will buy us some yachts as a thank you."

This, as you can see, is a clownfucking joke, and it is humiliating that the world can see that the director of national intelligence for the United States of goddamned America is actually publishing this in a letter to Lindsey Graham.

But like we said, they're throwing it all at the wall. But nothing has happened, except for how the wall is very stinky now, from John Ratcliffe and Bill Barr touching it.

Surely ONE Of The Turds Will Stick, Yeah?

Politico's Kyle Cheney has a thing this week on just how much shit Barr is throwing right now. It doesn't matter that it's mostly self-debunking (SEE ABOVE). It's to give Trump something to diarrhea about on Twitter, and to give Fox News evening hosts shit to yelp about.

Here's how Cheney begins:

The prosecution of Michael Flynn. A Senate investigation into the provenance of the Steele Dossier. The nascent federal probe of discarded absentee ballots in Pennsylvania.

In recent days, the Justice Department has declassified or disclosed sensitive materials related to each of these proceedings that, on the surface, have little to do with each other. Yet within hours, President Donald Trump had weaponized each to boost his reelection campaign.

The thing about the ballots in Pennsylvania started as Barr's latest authoritarian attempt to discredit mail-in balloting and prove it's RIGGED against Trump, with spurious claims that they're just throwing away ballots with his name on them. It ended up being just yet another stupid-ass Trump own-goal. And if there legitimately had been tampering with those ballots, that's the type of investigation a normal US Department of Justice would never say was happening out loud. But Barr told Trump and Trump's been blabbing his floppy yap about it ever since!

Last Thursday the DOJ declassified internal FBI comms about the Flynn investigation, which Flynn's batshit lawyer proceeded to file on the public docket. Trump was yapping about it by the time he got to his rally Friday:

"Newly released text messages make 100 percent clear the FBI knew that Democrats purchased Russian disinformation targeting me, your favorite president, which then formed the basis of the witch hunt," Trump said at the Friday rally, appearing to blend multiple allegations about the Russia probe.

Yeah actually the Flynn stuff had nothing to do with "Democrats purchased Russian disinformation," that's a whole other thing the DOJ declassified about the Steele Dossier. You don't actually care about the details of either of these things, so let's just note that Trump mixed them up because he's an idiot.

And on Tuesday DNI John Ratcliffe declassified literal unfiltered Russian intelligence chatter about Hillary ordering the Russia witch hunt. And we know who Trump is always going to believe, given a choice between American patriots and Russian intelligence.

And Why? Because Durham Ain't Got Shit.

Wonkette said it. Maria Bartiromo said it, but SWEARS it's gonna BLOW YR MIND whenever Durham really is finished.

The legal experts Kyle Cheney spoke to said it.

Former DOJ lawyers believe some officials may intend the various disclosures to serve as a kind of substitute for the expected Durham report and a kind of political salve for the president's supporters who were expecting a big pre-election bombshell from the Connecticut-based U.S. attorney.

Good luck with that.

Losers.

[Ratcliffe letter / Politico]

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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