Duncan Hunter, You Are GUILTY! GO THE FUCK TO JAIL (WITH MICHAEL COHEN AND PAUL MANAFORT)!
HO! LEE! SHIT! Just how bugfuck crazy is the Duncan and Margaret Hunter indictment? Well! We forgot all about Paul Manafort and Michael Cohen for two solid hours while reading it last night. In fact, we didn't even think about Donald Trump once! So strap in kids, it's time for a parable about unearned privilege and what happens when you pour copious amounts of alcohol on it. Wheee!
In 2009, Duncan Hunter Jr. (R-Urso Fucked) succeeded his father, Duncan Hunter Sr. (R-Proud Papa) in a safe Republican House seat in San Diego County. As a congressman, Hunter earned a salary of $174,000 per year -- not a lot when you're maintaining homes in DC and San Diego. Especially when you're really, REALLY bad with money.
Just how bad was he?
Throughout the relevant period, the HUNTERS spent substantially more than they earned. They overdrew their bank account more than 1,100 times in a seven-year period resulting in approximately $37,761 in "overdraft" and "insufficient funds" bank fees. Their credit cards were frequently charged to the credit limit, often with five-figure balances, resulting in approximately $24,600 in finance charges, interest, and other fees related to late, over the limit, and returned payment fees.
So Duncan and his lovely wife Margaret came up with a plan to make their dollars go farther: They each got a campaign credit card and took it with them wherever they went!
Trip to Costco, or 29? Put it on the campaign card!
On or about January 11, 2012, in La Mesa, California, MARGARET HUNTER spent $98.05 in Campaign funds at Costco - one of 29 different dates between 2010 and 2016 that MARGARET HUNTER and DUNCAN HUNTER spent a total of $11,375.46 in Campaign funds at Costco primarily to purchase personal items for the HUNTER family, including groceries, household items, toiletries, cosmetics, medicine and vitamins, clothing, pet supplies, and video games.
If that desk-jockey Treasurer gives you hassle, just tell him it's for charity!
To conceal and disguise the illegal January 11, 2012 charge, MARGARET HUNTER falsely told the Treasurer that the January 11 purchase was for "gift basket items for basket donation - Temecula chamber gala auction."
Or perhaps your personal account is overdrawn, but you're in dire need of resort wear before you fly off to Hawaii ($413 ticket, campaign funds) and stay in that fancy hotel ($6,288.74)? Put it on the campaign card and say it's for charity!
On or about March 20, 2015, when DUNCAN HUNTER told MARGARET HUNTER that he was planning "to buy my Hawaii shorts" but had run out of money, she counseled him to buy the shorts at a golf pro shop so that they could falsely describe the purchase later as "some [golf] balls for the wounded warriors."
(Why yes, Duncan Hunter is a combat veteran of Iraq and Afghanistan. But please tell us again how kneeling during the anthem is disrespectful to the troops.)
You feeling hungry? Put it on the campaign card!
On or about October 21, 2012, in El Cajon, California, MARGARET HUNTER spent $28.88 in Campaign funds at Panda Express to purchase food - one of 200 separate occasions between 2010 and 2016 that MARGARET HUNTER spent a total of $5,068.34 in Campaign funds at fast food restaurants such as In N Out, Carl's Jr., Jack in - the Box, Wendy's, McDonalds, Burger King, Taco Bell, La Salsa, Pizza Hut, Domino's Pizza, Weinerschnitzel, Kentucky Fried Chicken, and Menchies Frozen Yogurt, without documenting a legitimate campaign purpose. To conceal and disguise the illegal October 21, 2012 charge, she told the Treasurer that it was for a "meal on campaign go."
Running low on cash? Just claim a mileage reimbursement for a trip you took in someone else's car.
On or about April 2, 2010, DUNCAN HUNTER claimed a $257.40 reimbursement from Campaign funds for driving his car on a 468-mile trip to Virginia Beach with Individual 14, Congressman A, and Congressman A's date despite the fact that they did not use DUNCAN HUNTER's car on the trip.
Your turn to buy a round? Put it on the campaign card!
On or about March 4, 2016, in Washington, D.C., DUNCAN HUNTER spent $462.46 in Campaign funds for shots of tequila and one steak at El Tamarindo restaurant during Individual 8 's bachelor party.
And if you still find yourself running short, hey, just put your wife on the campaign payroll. That's what donor money is there for, right?
On or about December 30, 2013, after considering the benefits of bringing more money to the HUNTERS' household on a monthly basis, DUNCAN HUNTER hired MARGARET HUNTER back as Campaign Manager at a salary of $2,500 per month (although the Campaign ended up actually paying her $3,000 per month). On or about December 31 , 2013, MARGARET HUNTER, referring to the new salary she was about to receive, texted DUNCAN HUNTER: "[Y]ou need the extra money as much as I do[.]"
But what if your needs are a little more personal in nature. A man does get lonely (and liquored up) in DC when his wife is home in California driving the kids to school ($6,150) and the dentist ($2,537) and dance recitals (don't even ask).
"Individual 14," "Individual 15," "Individual 16," "Individual 17," and "Individual 18" lived in the Washington, D.C. area and had personal relationships with DUNCAN HUNTER. In addition, Individual 16 worked with DUNCAN HUNTER.
Gosh, whatever are these prosecutors implying about the good, Christian Congressman?
On or about October 27 to 28, 2015, in Washington, D.C., DUNCAN HUNTER spent $42.36 in Campaign funds for an Uber ride to and from the home of Individual 17.
On or about September 15, 2016, at 7:40 a.m., in Washington, D.C., DUNCAN HUNTER spent $32.27 in Campaign funds for an Uber ride from Individual 18 's home to DUNCAN HUNTER's office.
On or about March 23, 2016, in Washington, D.C., DUNCAN HUNTER spent $865.63 in Campaign funds for a room at the Liaison Capitol Hill while Individual 7 visited from San Diego.
Oh, come the fuck on, dude! Individual 7 is your wife's close friend from back home in San Diego.
But before we start getting weepy for poor Margaret, remember that she's the one who told the credit card company that the $1,300 in charges racked up on the gaming platform Steam were fraudulent.
On or about April 5, 2016, the day after the FEC inquired about 67 Steam Game charges, MARGARET HUNTER called First National Bank and falsely reported that the video game charges were fraudulent. In this call, she insisted that no teenagers had access to the credit card. Following this false report, the bank credited $1,302 to the Campaign account.
Because when the Federal Election Commission comes knocking with questions about your campaign finances, it only stands to reason that you'd start dabbling in credit card fraud.
Remember that time in January when Hunter speculated that maybe his buddy Darrell Issa would like to take over his seat IF I WAS TO BLOW UP IN THE AIR?
"If I was to blow up in the air, then he would be running for it. If I was to blow up, then he would run for the seat," Hunter told The Hill on Thursday, just off the House floor."
If I blow up, yes. Why wouldn't he run for my seat if I was to blow up in the air?"
LOLOLOLOL!!!! Also, KABOOM. Okay, we are done with these grifty fuckers, who charged somewhere north of $250,000 of personal expenses to the campaign. Although there is so much more and you should go read the indictment for yourself, and leave the ONE MILLION HOLY SHITS you find in the comments! But now we need a drink.
Put it on the campaign card!
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Liz Dye lives in Baltimore with her wonderful husband and a houseful of teenagers. When she isn't being mad about a thing on the internet, she's hiding in plain sight in the carpool line. She's the one wearing yoga pants glaring at her phone.