Duncan Hunter & Wife Gonna Beat The Rap, Win Re-Election & Take All His Girlfriends To In-N-Out
Duncan Hunter, Republican of California and grifter of donors, is still running for re-election to represent the state's 50th district. Hunter inherited his House seat from his father like a rent-controlled apartment and is reluctant to give it up even though he and his equally crooked wife Margaret are looking at an extended vacation in striped pajamas. They were both indicted Tuesday on dozens of criminal charges (check out Five Dollar Feminist's roundup here), which is at least dozens more than we prefer to see from our elected officials.
Still, Mr. $3,300 Benders at In-N-Out has reason to remain optimistic. Following the Hunters' indictment for sundry underhanded shadinesses including wire fraud and campaign finance crookery, the Cook Political Report moved his seat from "Solid Republican" to "Lean Republican." That's less a fatal blow than a minor inconvenience. You could create a House district populated entirely with my relatives and if I got busted for shamelessly stealing campaign funds for my personal use, my political career is as good as burnt toast. My Aunt Betty would never forgive me for wasting "all that money" on Double-Doubles and mediocre fries when she's got "perfectly good ground beef at home."
Hunter's Democratic opponent is
Ammar Campa-Najjar, the son of an Arab father and a Mexican-American mother. He's considered a "longshot" to beat Hunter in November for reasons related to most of the words in my last sentence.
At 29, [Campa-Najjar] has never run for office and is barely known in this suburban San Diego district near Camp Pendleton. But Mr. Campa-Najjar abruptly emerged Wednesday as a decidedly credible candidate to represent this solidly Republican enclave in a Democratic state, after the incumbent, Representative Duncan Hunter, a Republican, was indicted with his wife Tuesday on charges of using $250,000 in campaign funds for personal expenses.
See? Campa-Najjar's got a slim chance now that voters know Hunter's likely a criminal. Wonkette's been trying to tell people this for a while now, but maybe you'll finally listen. We even told you Hunter was a crawling piece of vaping slime the very same year he was re-elected after whaling on Democrat Patrick Malloy 64 to 36 percent.
Hunter still proclaims his innocence, which is both adorable and insane (adorasane? insanorable?). He and Margaret, just minutes ago, pleaded not guilty with the usual mouth full of marbles. (Prosecutors, who are SO MEAN, said they could be given a low bail amount, because of how they got no money.)
This should make his inevitable plea deal a little awkward when he has to sheepishly allocute to all the grift. Maybe I'm just missing the intricacies of his legal strategy. No one who illegally blows $59.20 of campaign funds on a pair of Under Armor shorts is capable of poor judgment.
"This is the Democrats' arm of law enforcement. That's what's happening right now. It's happening with Trump. It's happening with me. We're going to fight through it and win and the people get to vote in November. ... I think they've used every dirty trick in the book, so it'll go to court when they want it to." He later added, "They can try to have a political agenda as our law enforcement, as a US government ... as we've seen with (former FBI agent Peter) Strzok, and with the FBI and DOJ have been doing. Let them expose themselves for what they are, and that's a politically motivated group of folks."
Hunter on Wednesday pointed to no evidence that the prosecution was politically motivated.
Well, duh, of course Hunter has no evidence of some "deep state" plot against him and his equally tacky wife. Not that facts matter these days, but Hunter's personal Javert is US Attorney Adam Braverman, who was appointed by Donald Trump, who is hardly the "Democrats' arm of law enforcement." I'll wait while you check, but I'm confident that Trump has no Democrat arms. Hunter is neither black nor an immigrant child, so I'm fairly certain he'll get a fair shake. Maybe the fairest shake of all if he keeps up the obvious plays to Trump's persecution complex. If the president will pardon Dinesh D'Souza, he'll pardon any asshole.
House Speaker Paul Ryan stripped Hunter of his committee assignments (probably a little hurt that he never got invited to Carl's Jr.), but he didn't ask him to resign because that might almost be honorable. Still, even if the odds are against us, I still suggest sending a few bucks Campa-Najjar's campaign. Maybe with a lot of hard work and GOTV efforts, we can defeat a possible future felon.
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Stephen Robinson is a writer and social kibbitzer based in Portland, Oregon. He's on the board of the Portland Playhouse theater and writes for the immersive theater Cafe Nordo in Seattle. Tickets are on sale now for his latest Nordo collaboration, "Curiouser and Curiouser," an adaptation of "Alice's Adventures in Wonderland" and "Through the Looking Glass." It promises to feel like an actual evening with SER (for good or for ill).