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Dying Glenn Beck Dying, Has Crackpot Theory About Him Dying

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Bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop Bananaphone!OMG, you guys, Glenn Beck is dying! At least we think so, as he is very cryptic about it. He got all teary and such on his radio show today, and while that's pretty much an every-second occurrence for him, this time he seemed resigned to the fact that he will die, or something, soon. No, sorry, we heard that wrong: "What is happening to me mentally is not a depression, is not a death, it is a transformation," he said, because Mormons don't actually die, they just transform, like in those Animorphs books. But the word "mentally" in that gives us pause, because maybe it just means Glenn Beck is finally realizing he should trust his doctors when they say he's insane. Holy Shutter Islandz!


What is this theory? Someone injured his soul? What the hell is he talking about? Did Dana Milbank get in the Magic School Bus, drive into Glenn Beck's body, and take home a piece of his soul?

"I have been drinking that poison," Glenn Beck also said, after announcing that doctors were looking for toxins in his body. What?

Yeah, we're gonna say Dana Milbank is murdering Glenn Beck. But Fox News is an equal-opportunity employer, so they will still pay Ghost Beck to host a show after he dies. No big deal! Don't cry about it! Ghostbusters don't exist, Glenn!

Or if Glenn Beck is not dying, he will probably get to hang out with Margaret Thatcher at the dementia palace, transforming at will into snakes and puppies and penguins. Still fun! [The Blaze]

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Fellow Wonkers, this last week of horror has been wearing on us all, because here we are in a world where the "president" of the United States has ordered that migrant children be taken away from their parents at the border, and is simultaneously proud of it (for his base) and cravenly blaming it on Democrats because even he knows it's morally reprehensible. But what the hell can we do about it, we are all keening, beyond calling our senators and representatives and posting sadness on Twitter, the latter of which is of dubious utility to anyone, and mostly depressing?

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There are perks to being the only Harvard professor willing to shill for the Bush League Mussolini. Everyone else has to haul ass to the Fox studio and sit for hair and makeup. Not Alan Dershowitz! He just parks his laptop in Pee Wee's playhouse and Skypes in that rant. Is he even wearing pants? We hope never to find out!

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