Early Voters (Of The Mexican Type) May Have Already Saved America From Spray-Tan Hitler!
Donald Trump tomorrow.
Ooh, the race is so tight! Hillary Clinton is in Michigan campaigning, because Trump is probably going to beat her so bad there! (No.) By the end of the day, Hillz will have to cavort with the homosexuals in Provincetown and at Fire Island, because the gays might decide they can't have a "DIVAAAA!" who does "emails," and will instead vote for Donald Trump. (We made that up.) Donald Trump's momentum is so yoooge that he will win with one thousand electoral votes, even though there aren't even that many electoral votes to get, unless we're giving Russia electors these days! (Oh for God's sake, even Nate Silver is still giving Hillary a 68.5% chance of winning, and he's being totally
wussy conservative with his models this go-round.)
But, since it's true that polls are nutbag crazy in the days just before an election, and since it's also true that Sage Moose Empress Sarah Palin said "polls are for strippers," we should look briefly at some nice news that suggests Donald J. Trump is about to GET HIS ASS KICKED on Tuesday. We are of course talking about early voting numbers, mostly those of the Latino variety.
Let this sink in for un momento:
Sleeping giant: ACTIVATED. And all Trump had to do was begin his campaign by calling them all rapists!
Now, early voting numbers across the board in Florida aren't that awesome, but they're not terrible either. Hell, the number who early voted in Florida is actually higher than the entire vote count in Florida in the 2000 election. And of course, we must remember that these results are tracking how many Democrats and how many Republicans voted, not people's actual votes. It would be good to note here that a poll of actual early voters in Florida found that 28% of registered Republicans had crossed over to vote for Hillary. Now, that sounds a bit high to us, but if Republicans really cross over in significant numbers to vote for Hillz nationwide, tomorrow night will end EARLY. (By the way, a poll of early voters in Ohio found that 10% of Republican humans crossed over there too.)
You heard it here first, unless you heard it somewhere else prior to this: Latino voters and Republicans voting for Hillary in significant numbers -- especially ladyfolk! -- will be Trump's undoing. Unless all those Latinos are voting for Trump, jajajajajajajajaja, just kidding, never gonna happen.
Over there in Nevada, Democrats took Republicans behind the gym in early voting, to the point that Nevada political guru Jon Ralston has declared Donald Trump to be "like Bruce Willis in The Sixth Sense," by which SPOILER ALERT he means he is dead, but "does not realize he is dead."
Did you see that amazing video of the literally one thousand million Latino voters standing in line on the last night of early voting in Clark County? (Actually, almost 60,000 voted that day, which is a record.) Let's watch it!
Polling hours extended to accommodate massive turnout at Cardenas Market on Nevada's last day of early voting: https://t.co/Uxu0rJSolppic.twitter.com/zxXKouOs4z
— ABC News Politics (@ABCPolitics) November 5, 2016
Yay early voting! Donald Trump bitched and moaned about how the polls were kept open late so people in line could vote -- HOW UNDEMOCRATIC! Can't you see that those voters are not white people? Here's what Trump said 'bout that at a rally:
“It's being reported that certain key Democratic polling locations in Clark County were kept open for hours and hours beyond closing time to bus and bring democratic voters in. Folks, it's a rigged system. It's a rigged system and we're going to beat it. We're going to beat it.”
Um, yeah. Driving people to the polls and actually having a fucking ground game is the new #rigged. Also, it's the law that if you're in line when the polls close, you get to vote. But law schmaw whatever.
Let's see what else, hmmmmm. Oh, Arizona, that is a place! It is usually a red state, but it might be about to turn into a "How about you cram that Trump Taco Bowl UP YOUR ASS?" state, due to how Latino turnout is way up. You see, not only does the Latino population have Trump to do electoral murder to, but they also have a chance to send that racist shitbag Sheriff Joe Arpaio packing.
Like all the other states, Arizona is obviously #rigged, because Hillary has a ground game there, and we even heard a rumor that Hillary volunteers knock on people's doors and call voters on the telephone to get them to vote! How is THAT even legal????
Oh, and Democrats are way ahead in the early vote in North Carolina. Not as much as they were in 2012, and there are these lingering worries that maybe black voters aren't turning out as bigly as they did in 2012, certainly not because of any North Carolina Republican shenanigans. Who knows? Surely not us! (These are all states that Trump has to win if he has a prayer of getting his spray tan stains all over the White House, by the way.)
Our point is that yeah, we are all going to still have one million heart attacks until tomorrow night when Rachel Maddow says Hillary Clinton is the new boss of you and Sean Hannity's dumb face literally explodes and he takes his pants off and swears he won't stop pooping on the floor of the Fox News studios until they do a recount, but we think things are going to be OK. Need something to make you feel even better about early voting numbers? Read some Digby, to make you feel better!
43,000,000 Americans have already voted. Of course, as we all learned from reading The Art Of The Deal, we actually have to close the deal, which means YOU still have to show up and vote if you haven't already, and then you need to do whatever you can to turn out even more voters, to #RigTheElection even harder against Trump!
And what will happen if everybody gets out there and votes?
Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.
Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.