Guess Donald Trump heard the networks were cutting away from his Hitler Corona Rallies, because all the fuckers went on Fox News for a big virtual town hall today. From the outside part of the White House, because fuck your "stay inside" order.

Holy shit, it was bad.

The biggest thing to know is that he's not kidding about wanting to re-open American society like five minutes from now, long before we hit the peak of our coronavirus outbreak. Because he is so stupid and utterly lacking in capacity for thinking beyond whatever impulse he's feeling right now, he doesn't see how maybe a literal fucking bloodbath of people dying around the country — many of whom watch his favorite network and voted for him! — might hurt the stock market even more than it's hurting now.

When? Easter, he says! That would be April 12.


And why Easter? Because you'll have "packed churches everywhere," says Trump. Just infecting each other with Christ's triumph over death, and also coronavirus, we guess.

Fox Host Bill Hemmer said that would just be a "great resurrection," and we are sorry, but we have a Bible-Bone to pick with that: Doesn't Easter kind of lose its meaning if the very second Jesus is raising himself from the dead, millions of Americans are knocking the Prince of Peace over because they're going the opposite way, to trade places with the Lord in the tomb, due to sudden deadness? Oh well, guess we'll find out!

Asked if it's even possible to think we can be safely back to normal by Easter, Trump said, "I think it's possible, why wouldn't it be?" Trump also said again in this clip that "this cure is worse than the problem" (of a pandemic, where people are dying), and that everybody just wants to go back to work. It'll be fine! (Known doctor "Dr. Oz" even pushed back on that one.)

But COME ON, you guys, it'll be OK! Trump says people can just wash their hands at work "five times more than than you used to!" No big!

Trump whined that "a lot of people agree with me" about prematurely re-opening American society before we actually flatten the curve, because our country is, "you know, it's not built to shut down. Our people are full of vim and vigor and energy," said Trump, who doesn't seem to realize that if those people are currently dead, they AIN'T GON' BE SO VIGOROUS AND VIM-MY, ARE THEY?

Trump whined that lots of people die of the regular flu and in car accidents, but "we don't turn the country off" for those things, so WHY CORONA? Heck, Trump said, we don't even tell them to stop making cars, just because people die in car accidents!

As usual, Aaron Rupar from Vox live-tweeted the whole thing, so once you're done here, if you just need more lies, you may check out his timeline.

Here are a couple more highlights from the entire gruesome event, which happened as networks showed the growing number of coronavirus infections and deaths in America and around the world on their screens.

Trump started by whining that "Sleepy Joe Biden" says it's racist for Trump to call coronavirus "Chinese virus," and said that maybe Joe Biden does not even know what "xenophobic" means. (That is a good clue that Trump does not know what it means.)

In this video, Trump said he didn't really want to tell people they had to social distance each other by the pussy, but sometimes you have to do things you don't like doing, like for example one time his best friend Turkey didn't want to make a deal with the Kurds but they had to and they didn't want to and this reminds Trump of the time he had to tell everybody to social distance each other by the pussy and ...

And maybe the initial coronavirus testing was not perfect but you know what was perfect, it was his perfect call with Ukraine. No really, he said that. Anyway, the point is that none of his coronavirus fuckups are his responsibility.

Here is Trump bitching at New York Governor Andrew Cuomo, as he lies and shows Fox News host Bill Hemmer a headline from verified Stupidest Man On The Internet Jim Hoft's Gateway Pundit blogger "Kristinn," about how Cuomo supposedly "rejected" buying 15,000 ventilators in 2015, and made death panels instead. Where did the completely debunked claim come from? Obamacare death panel liar Betsy McCaughey herself, as translated through Gateway Pundit. Wonkette will have more for you on that in a bit!

Wanna take bets on which dumbfuck gave President Dumbfuck that dumbfuck headline to read on TV?

Dr. Deborah Birx and Surgeon General Jerome Adams were there too, and they said as much science as they could without offending The Great One. Of course, Dr. Anthony Fauci, the guy who tells the most truth and therefore is persona non grata with Trump now, was not there.

Here's a weird clip where Dr. Birx was explaining some science behind the spread of coronavirus in New York, and Trump interrupted to ask if she blamed Governor Cuomo for letting folks travel from Asia to New York City during the holiday season. You know, because he's a fucking piece of shit thin-skinned toddler baby.

Hey, remember that godforsaken shit asshole Dr. Nicole Saphier from Fox news, who tried to blame youngs' failure to social distance on Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez the other day? Here is an actual question from Saphier to Trump:


"President Trump, I do believe that as a nation we are beholden to you for your decisive, swift action in the beginning with the travel ban."

Just kidding, that was not a question. Her actual question was for Dr. Birx, an actual doctor. She just had to worship King Trump first.

That's enough Dear Leader Fap Session for today.

This morning, President Cuomo gave his own usual daily press conference, in which he started talking about the need for TWO coronavirus tests: the kind that tells you if you are infected, and also the antibody kind that tells you if you already had it. If people want to talk about going back to work — as Dr. Birx also did today, discussing the possibility of herd immunity development — that is what you have to be talking about. Because to do that, you have to test SHITLOADS more people, and the only place that's really even close to pursuing that path right now in the United States is New York.

Too bad America doesn't have a President Cuomo like New York does. Rest of us just on our own, we guess.

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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