Not actually Amish.

Three idiot asshole Donald Trump fans from Illinois were arrested Tuesday and charged with the bombing of a mosque in Bloomington, Minnesota, last August. Nobody was hurt in the blast, although that's mostly a matter of luck -- it occurred on a Saturday morning just as worshipers were beginning to arrive for services. Five people inside the building escaped unharmed, but the pipe bomb started a fire that burned parts of the building.

[wonkbar]<a href=""></a>[/wonkbar]Alert Wonkette Operatives may remember the astute reaction of Trump administration spokesnazi Seb Gorka, who said Donald Trump was a very busy man and didn't want to comment on the bombing because for all he knew, it could have been a false flag attack by "leftists," who do that sort of thing all the time:

We’ve had a series of crimes committed, alleged hate crimes by right wing individuals in the last six months that turned out to be propagated by the left. Let’s allow the local authorities to provide their assessment and then the White House will make its comments.

Huh! Well, then, now that the FBI has charged some decidedly non-leftist dudes with the crime, we bet the White House will be commenting any moment on these domestic terror guys, who were also charged with attempting to bomb a women's clinic in Champaign, Illinois, which provides abortion services, although that bomb failed to go off.

The ringleader of the Gang of Hate was Michael B. Hari, 47, a contractor from Clarence who pretends to run a "security contracting" service that will evacuate your family from almost anywhere in the event of a natural disaster or attack by Muslim Terrorists or Black Lives Matter thugs, stuff like that. He has a website, so it must be a legit business. Hari also recruited two accomplices, Michael McWhorter, 29, and Joe Morris, 22. All three were charged with federal counts of arson Tuesday.

According to the charging affidavit, a confidential informant, a former employee of Hari's, told the FBI Hari had promised to pay the other two men $18,000 for their help, although it's unclear if he actually did. The informant also said he'd seen a stockpile of explosives and several firearms illegally converted to fully automatic fire at Hari's office.

During an interview with the FBI March 10, McWhorter admitted his part in the bombing, explained each of the participants' roles, and most importantly, the message their mission was intended to send:

Now, blowing up a mosque and a women's clinic weren't the only patriotic activities Mr. Hari was into. For one thing, the Chicago Tribune reports, last month, before Hari was arrested, he sued the federal departments of Agriculture and HHS for horning in on his private enterprise business by doing food safety inspections. He has an outfit that inspects food too, and really, food safety should be left to private enterprise:

"The People of the United States have rejected the Marxist doctrine that the government shall own the means of production," he wrote, according to the court document. He requested a court order barring federal officials from interfering with his business.

He also had his crappy crisis evacuation service, called "Crisis Resolution Security Services," which for the low, low price of just $3,995 for ten years, promised to evacuate you from anyplace the shit hit the fan, probably. Just look at this very professional pitch!

They have helicopters and jets and armored vehicles to make sure YOU survive! You do have to pack your own bug-out bag, though, and there is this a little disclaimer page noting that they don't actually own any aircraft, but they contract with services that do. The company does claim to at least own an armored vehicle, so good on them. Oh, also, as far as the evacuation vehicle photos, those "may be stock photos, and not the actual equipment owned or contracted for by CRSS, Inc."

The site's list of threats include all sorts of scary things you should pay four grand to get yourself rescued from, like earthquakes, extreme weather events, nuclear meltdowns, and of course the Muslims, who apparently may unleash a stock photo of a 1950s H-bomb test on America at any moment:

If you want to get all nitpicky, it was the Syrian government that used chemical weapons on its citizens, but hell, they's all Muslims over there anyway. Incidentally, there's also this warning that Hari's Heroes can't take care of you in every disaster, like, say, the one pictured right there:

You may be directed to shelter in place by Operations Center specialists in the event of a nuclear, biological, or chemical accident where contamination eliminates evacuation as a safe option [...] Some emergencies, such as a general thermonuclear war or comet impact would be beyond anyone's ability to respond to or evacuate from.

Still, there's a lot of peace of mind, huh?

Mr. Hari also submitted a bid -- or claimed he did, in a video -- to build Trump's border wall for a super low-low price, just 10 billion bucks. In the  pitch below, his outfit explains they'd save money -- and precious American property rights -- by not building the wall along the border but by building it next to existing highways a bit north of the border. Apparently the wall would be so good that no border crosser could ever enter, say, Yuma, Arizona, south of where the wall would go, and then catch a ride from there:

The important thing about this proposal is that it got all kinds of publicity for Hari's dumb security scam, and also includes many American Patriot Worship Words, like calling the wall "culturally significant, a powerful architectural statement of the determination of the American people to defend their nation and its Anglo-Saxon heritage, western culture, and English language" and insisting it would preserve "our way of life from other people who have different value systems."

Needless to say, the vid ends with "Build the Wall!" and "Make America Great Again!"

Poor Michael Hari. How's he ever going to rescue anyone or protect America his ownself, or even inspect our food, if he ends up in federal prison? It must all be a plot to keep an entrepreneur down.

Yr Wonkette is supported by reader donations. Please click here to money us. read us on your mobile device in the biffy, and we'll do more to help you evacuate than this bozo ever would.

[HuffPo / Chicago Tribune / USDOJ affidavit]

Doktor Zoom

Doktor Zoom's real name is Marty Kelley, and he lives in the wilds of Boise, Idaho. He is not a medical doctor, but does have a real PhD in Rhetoric. You should definitely donate some money to this little mommyblog where he has finally found acceptance and cat pictures. He is on maternity leave until 2033. Here is his Twitter, also. His quest to avoid prolixity is not going so great.


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