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take that, fucker!


Massachusetts Sen. Elizabeth Warren is such a badass, but you knew that already. It's a pity she's so shy about saying what's really on her mind, though. HAHA you know that is a #joke because Liz loves going off on people. This week her ire is directed at Ted Cruz, for a few reasons: A) Everybody hates Ted Cruz; B) Might as well, since he might not be around to kick in the face that much longer; and most importantly, C) Cruz sent out a fundraising letter that pissed Warren off.

Here's that letter:

[wonkbar]<a href="http://wonkette.com/588154/being-gods-chosen-presidential-candidate-giving-ted-cruz-nasty-case-of-stigmata"></a>[/wonkbar]In case you can't read that on your Obamaphone -- and trust us, you don't want to -- it's Cruz whining his Canadian peter-hole off about how running for president is haaaaaard and he never gets to eat soup with his wife Heidi, and he never gets "personal time" for stirring the poutine (that's what he calls masturbation) or ALLEGEDLY boning ladies what are not his wife, etc. He has sent this sort of letter before, months ago, and it was pretty much the same except for how last time he also bellyached about how the only food he gets to eat on the campaign trail is pizza.

Well this time around, Liz Warren saw it, and she tweet-stormed her reactions like she was trying to win a Pulitzer for righteous Twitter outrage. Ready? This ballet is called Elizabeth Warren Castrates Ted Cruz In 12 Tweets:

SHIT! We think we can officially say this is the first time we have ever felt the need for a cigarette after a particularly energetic bout of READING TWITTER.

[wonkbar]<a href="http://wonkette.com/523390/forget-royal-baby-ted-cruz-has-mandate-of-heaven-says-ted-cruzs-dad"></a>[/wonkbar]Doesn't Lizzie understand that poor Ted has been laboring under his and his dry-drunk dad's sad delusion that he has to make all these "sacrifices" because God actually wants Ted Cruz to run for president? PFFFFFT maybe if it's Opposite Day, because God released a statement to Wonkette that He hates Ted Cruz just like everybody else. When we pointed out that God said he loves all people in His Holy Bible, the almighty told us to stop fucking micromanaging Him.

[Elizabeth Warren on Twitter via Boston.com]

Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.

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'Bella" by Wonkette Operative 'IdiokraticSubpoenaKommissar'

Sunday already, which means a substantial portion of US America is preparing to be astonished/heartbroken/outraged by the series finale of that show with the dragons, while another portion is just going to stay off Twitter for three days because nothing will make any sense. Yr Dok Zoom tends to come very late to trendy things, so get ready for our own thoughts on the gamy thrones show sometime in about 2023, or never. But we'd be glad to tell you just how much we enjoy the brilliance and humanity of the Cartoon Network series "Steven Universe," which debuted in 2013 and we started bingeing on the Hulu last month, late again.

Hell, we still want to talk about that one Mrs Landingham episode of "The West Wing," which we first watched years after it aired (We finally bought our new used car yesterday, and know one thing: don't drive over to the White House to show it off to President Bartlet). We might even get around to reading Infinite Jest someday. We hear it has something to do with a superhero team and a guy named Thanos. So hey, let's talk about culture and missing out and patching together some knowledge of what's happening anyway.

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Get Me Roger Stone

Roger Stone, his wife would like you to know, is broke. And he is not dealing with it well. Once in khaki suits, gee, he looked swell, full of that yankee-doodle-dee-dum, but now no one calls him Al anymore and he has to stand on a street corner singing "Brother Can You Spare A Dime?"

Yesterday, the conservative but also kind of Never Trumper site The Bulwark revealed the details of a grifty "fundraising" plea sent out by Stone's wife Nydia, begging supporters to give money to the Stones in order to help them keep up the lifestyle to which they have become accustomed.

It was titled "I am embarrassed to write this."

"Dear Friend," begins the missive. "My husband and I have an urgent new problem and we need your help. I told my husband I was going to write you, one of his most valued supporters. I am embarrassed to write this, but I must."

"Mrs. Roger Stone" tells a tale of woe: FBI agents swooping in on them at the crack of dawn to arrest her husband, a subsequent "fake news" feeding frenzy causing friends and fans to abandon the Stones.

"He laid off all our consultants, contractors and employees, and we have 'pulled in our belts' like so many Americans in 'tight times,'" she wrote, sounding for all the world like a plucky working-class patriot, not the wife of a man who made and lost his fortune lying in the service of power.

She should have been more embarrassed.

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