Elizabeth Warren Has A Plan For Hiding John Delaney's Body, After What She Did To Him Last Night

We don't know why Elizabeth Warren decided to murder John Delaney last night. It certainly wasn't on her must-do list for the CNN debate, unless she just really wanted America to know she was ready and willing on day one to make things that annoy us go away, like for instance dumb men with dumb egos who won't get the fuck out of our faces. There were 8,895,682 people on that stage, and she could have picked any of them. Beto? Boring. Marianne Williamson? Nothing to get your chakras in a bunch about. Buttigieg? She could just PINCH HIS CHEEKS. Also he might be a good cabinet nominee down the road. Klobuchar? Oh, was she in attendance last night? Tim Ryan or Jim Monkeydongler or Steve Buttocks of Montana? Eh, that just didn't seem FUN, and Elizabeth Warren had a plan for last night, and that plan involved FUN.

And she didn't seem to feel it was necessary to bring it to Bernie Sanders last night. No, better to riff off him and save that for later. Maybe she's pretty sure the universe is going to work that one out on its own.

So John Delaney it was. A man who started last night with 29,000 Twitter followers, most of whom are probably his mom. It was he upon whom Warren decided to use a line that was obviously worthy of somebody far above his paygrade, but that's OK, she has a whole room full of zingers at her house. Plus, have you seen his dumb face? It is dumb. And quite frankly, she probably was getting very tired of the no-name moderate men in the race who seem hellbent on mucking it up with chants of "What do we want? A marginal improvement! When do we want it? Whenever we get around to it!"

Maybe Warren found a shiny quarter behind Jake Tapper's ear, and Tapper, unreasonably giddy over the magic trick Warren had just performed, agreed to try to help tee her up for MURRRRRDERRRRRRRR.

Regardless, this was the line, a little over an hour into the debate, that woke everybody in the auditorium up, because quite frankly we needed waking up, because the debate sucked and the questions sucked and the 78-hour opening ceremony CNN wasted our time with sucked:

I don't understand why anybody goes to all the trouble of running for president of the United States just to talk about what we really can't do and shouldn't fight for. I don't get it.

She doesn't get it! And the crowd went WILD, because the crowd likes MURDER, and as we said previously, the debate up to that point was BORING. Bernie Sanders had had some moments -- he was pretty good last night! We are betting Red Bull was involved! -- but nothing had really gotten the people up out of their seats.

Warren had given us a preview of the fact that she just wasn't feeling this Delaney character earlier in the debate, in a discussion about Medicare For All, which Delaney dared to frame like a common Republican as millions of people LOSING THEIR HEALTHCARE, like do you want to say that to Elizabeth Warren's FACE, sir?

Later in the debate, Warren had another chance at Delaney, who is worth eleventy-million ameros, when Don Lemon asked how he'd feel about giving all his (two cents per dollar over the first fifty million dollars) money to her proposed wealth tax. We honest to fuck don't care about any of the dialogue that happened here, just want y'all to see Warren rubbing her hands together (IN ANTICIPATION OF MORE MURDER) as Lemon asked Delaney the question:


Brutal. Just brutal.

Wikipedia was updated to reflect what had happened to John Delaney on the stage last night. Are you surprised to find out John Delaney has a Wikipedia page? We bet he was too.

Delaney -- or whatever is left of him -- went on Fox News this morning (of course) and called Warren's attacks on him "dishonest" and "lazy," which is a pretty weird thing to hear from a guy who's probably going to announce he's "suspending" his campaign by next Tuesday, at least if he has any hint of self-awareness, not that we're saying he does. But it doesn't matter, because the damage is done, and Elizabeth Warren did the damage, because she was in the mood to do the damage.

"Fox & Friends" couch idiot Ainsley Earhardt called Elizabeth Warren a bully:

"We all knew that kid in school that beat you when you were running for student body president who promised to put snack machines in all the classes," she said, alluding to Warren. "You know that's not going to happen, but the kids hear that, and they vote for that person."

Yep, that definitely sounds like Elizabeth Warren. We hear the seniors are going to get to go out for lunch every single day when she is president of student council!

Whatever. Fuckers need to go cry to their mommies, that's what they need to do.

The point of this post is RIP John Delaney's hopes and dreams, we'd say something nice about him, but we have already forgotten all the things about him.

The end.

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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