And since you can buy 'em with bottlecaps, these armor suits are the ultimate in recycling

With the Trump administration hellbent on truly, madly, deeply cutting back the EPA to the point that it ceases to do any "protection" of the "environment" (which isn't a real thing anyway), there's at least one part of the EPA that administrator Scott Pruitt wants to expand: While the nation can obviously do without a program to prevent children from being exposed to lead paint, at least we can rest easy in the knowledge that Scott Pruitt himself will be safe, since he wants to increase his personal security detail by 10 new security folks, so he can have 24/7 protection from all the crazies who are out to get the head of the EPA.

Quartz's Zoe Schlanger notes that all agency heads have some level of security; for the EPA, it's usually security agents to escort them while they travel from one office to another or to an airport. But Pruitt wants to be the first EPA administrator with round the clock protection, according to a New York Times piece on how budget cuts will affect the EPA. The move would more than double the current number of staff used for security at the agency, which usually only has six and eight agents.

Lucky ducky Betsy DeVos at the Department of Education has also gotten a security upgrade; instead of being guarded by six agents working for the Education Department, DeVos rates a full security team from the U.S. Marshall Service, for the low, low price of about a million bucks a month. Yes, she's been the subject of threats, and we wouldn't want anything to happen to her other than an intense attack of self-awareness that leads her to resign and devote her life to helping the poor. But $1 million a month doesn't strike us as proportionate to the usual threats faced by an Education secretary, maybe? It's not like anyone's making her eat the mystery meat at my old elementary school, HAW HAW.

And why is Scott Pruitt in need of his own army of security?

According to Myron Ebell, who led Trump’s EPA transition team but is no longer employed by the administration, Pruitt is at risk from his own employees—and “the left.”

“I think it’s prudent given the continuing activities by the left to foment hatred, and the reported hostility within the agency from some unprofessional activists,” Ebell told E&E News.

Oh man! Those scary leftists! You know how they're always having protests, so it stands to reason they're likely to try to come after Scott Pruitt. As we all know from the NRA's scary 2006 graphic novel about why everyone needs guns (if you've never read the thing, enjoy this PDF), environmentalists and animal rights activists are all hairy-legged women who train owls, angry livestock, and land lobsters to do their violent bidding:

The new security staff haven't been hired yet, but don't worry about Pruitt's security: That E&E News piece notes that while the agency works on getting in-house Enviro Guards, Pruitt's vital security needs are being met by shifting special agents away from EPA's criminal investigation division -- on a volunteer basis, of course -- to guard the administrator. Sure, they may not be able to investigate environmental violations while they're on bodyguard duty, but that's OK, since the EPA seems to be getting out of that business anyway.

If the American people don't want toxic sludge dumped in their rivers, maybe they could have a bake sale and hire their own security guards.

[Quartz / NYT / E&E News]

Doktor Zoom

Doktor Zoom's real name is Marty Kelley, and he lives in the wilds of Boise, Idaho. He is not a medical doctor, but does have a real PhD in Rhetoric. You should definitely donate some money to this little mommyblog where he has finally found acceptance and cat pictures. He is on maternity leave until 2033. Here is his Twitter, also. His quest to avoid prolixity is not going so great.

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Guys, it's been one more shit day in a shit week in the fifth shit month of another shit Trump year. Which is why I need to remind you that it's not ALL shit out there! Oh, sure, it's MOSTLY shit, but you know what isn't shit? YR WONKETTE, and the strange community of strange internet people who have made getting through all this shit a bit more tolerable, that's who and what. Which is why you should give us money, so we can keep whanging away at the walls of shit with our shovels and laughing at the shit getting all over, because one of these days we will get it all cleaned up or at least not be up to our waists in shit, and we can all laugh about what a crazy fight it was, as St. Molly Ivins always kept reminding us.

In case you're new here, let me just remind you that Wonkette literally got me, Yr Dok Zoom, out of what wasn't quite poverty, but was pretty much paycheck-to-paycheck desperation. I started reading the site shortly before Barack Obama was elected, began commenting sometime in his first term, and submitted a story tip to Rebecca a few months after she bought the site for 47 dollars and a sandwich (I now understand it was a bit more than that). It was Memorial Day 2012, and she wrote back she was busy with some "stupid thing I have to do for some muneez," but would I like to try writing a blog post myself? "I understand if you say FUCK NO. But maybe you are thinking FUCK YES?" And then she warned me she paid only in Ameros. I did, the post was forgettable but OK, and then I wrote a thing (borrowed from now long-lost comments) that went semi-viral, and suddenly I was that hottest thing in publishing, a freelancer!

In less than a year, Rebecca asked you all to buy me to be your very own pet blogger, and my life suddenly became incredibly good, like as good as an Abba song. It's as good as "Dancing Queen." Thanks to the timing of the whole thing (and to Barry Obama and Nancy Pelosi), I actually had health insurance for the first time in years, a not inconsiderable thing. And you had an Editrix who was not working 12 hour days six and a half days a week and drinking too much from stress. Your continued donations helped hire Evan full time and Robyn and Bianca part time and a whole raft of freelancers, and now Rebecca is down to eight-hour days, five and a half days a week, and drinking because there's a madman in the White House and everything's terrible.

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There is a very normal article circulating on the internet right now by a fella named Don Boys (that's not the joke, the jokes are coming), who is both an insane batshit preacher, and also an insane batshit former member of the Indiana House of Representatives. (Also sometimes he blogs at the Daily Caller about how Mike Pence really went balls deep into the gay agenda when he swore in that insane batshit gay guy Rick Grenell as America's ambassador to Germany.)

This article, of course, is about Pete Buttigieg, because what are anti-gay buffoons obsessed with right now? Pete Buttigieg. Boys (still his name) is primarily concerned not with the simple fact that Buttigieg is gay, but with how gay Buttigieg really is. IN THE SEX WAY!

Well, Don, since you asked!

Shall we dive into this thing without the proper prophylactics? We shall.

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