Eric Trump And Greg Kelly Achieve Singularity Of Derp
It's not easy being Eric Trump. We imagine everywhere he goes, he's the dumbest bunny in the room, just dropping one clunker after another while people stare at him like he's got a canned ham on his head.
Or perhaps not everywhere. Sometimes when Li'l Eric needs a pick-me-up, he goes to visit
Andy Kaufman Greg Kelly at Newsmax, and after chatting with that weirdo, he feels smart and well-adjusted, if not handsome. With Lou Dobbs off the air, there's no one working in TV today who could make Eric's face look normal. But you take what you can get, of course, which is how Eric Trump wound up chitchatting with Kelly last night about his father's imminent ,glorious return to the White House.
Bless those saints at Mediaite for watching and transcribing this veritable Mensa meeting for us. (Their videos aren't embeddable, so you'll just have to trust us or click over for yourself.)
"What's the latest on 2024?" Kelly asked, tossing a softball at his softheaded guest. "Where's his heart right now? There are a lot of people who want him back, but I imagine he's taking it, you know, he wants to wait and see?"
(Guess our Greg was too busy tweeting about his close encounter with the tyrannical spa receptionist to notice that Donald Trump just got beat out by Florida Governor Ron DeSantis in a straw poll. Whoopsie!)
"Yeah, well, Greg, a lot of people want him back, to say the least," Eric responded, managing to bunt off the tee only, to find himself squinting in a confused effort to locate first base. "There's half this country right now that feels like they don't have a spokesperson, they have no voice. We've got another major amount of the country who thinks they made a terrible mistake, um, electing this guy. There's a lot of questions on that, but a lot people are saying we made a major mistake."
All the best words, just like daddy.
Eric went on to recite the same nonsensical talking points about gas prices, inflation, and the supposed twin crises of crime and immigration that are currently being flogged in Murdochistan. Props to the PA who wrote all that on Eric's palm. ALLEGEDLY.
Then he moved on to complaining that Vladimir Putin is just having his way with America without Trump in the Oval Office.
"You see what's happening with Putin's literally hacking our country — the lack of respect," Eric huffed. And lo, lightning did not strike him on the spot!
But all of this was preamble, as Failson Two worked his way around to his excited crescendo.
"There's a lot of people that are missing Trump. And I think every single day that Biden messes up our nation, I think it further incentivizes my father and frankly our entire family to do it again," he said, prophesying an "absolute bloodbath" for Democrats in 2022 based on his extensive policy studies.
"I think 2024 is gonna surprise everybody," said Eric, although he failed to explain why anyone would be surprised when these assholes will not shut up about Trump's intent to run again in 2024. "And listen, he's making it easy. This guy is making it easy with his incompetence, and we're gonna walk through that door. I'm telling you, we're gonna walk through that door."
"I'm glad 'cause the door is open in 2022 and 2024," chuckled very serious journalist Greg Kelly in obvious relief.
"It's a big door, and it's very open," agreed our hero, before turning back to his Transformers Connect the Dots Coloring Book. Probably.
Because great minds think alike, and so do these two dimwits.
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Liz Dye lives in Baltimore with her wonderful husband and a houseful of teenagers. When she isn't being mad about a thing on the internet, she's hiding in plain sight in the carpool line. She's the one wearing yoga pants glaring at her phone.